HE came!!

nope, not Santa....

...a baby in a manger.

Go back in time to that stable...before the time of holiday shopping lists, yankee swaps and the politics and traditions of Christmas...what would we hear? what would we see? what would we feel?

try to picture it...

What would we smell?

I smell a familiar smell...much like a zoo or a farm...the mixed smells of livestock, manure and hay...hard to decipher which smell is which...but either way, it's pretty pungent. the ground is cold and dirty...much different from the sterile labor delivery rooms i've seen! i see a man...he looks tired...obvious the journey to Bethlehem has been long...he seems relieved but also a little worried as he wipes the sweat off his wife's forehead...he supports her back as another contraction pulls her forward. his wife looks young...couldn't be more than 16 years old...she looks ordinary, but responsible...like she knows she's doing something important...the sky is dark...there are stars as any other night, but there is one star that's shining much brighter than the rest...it's hard to describe, but it's probably the brightest star that ever was in history...it's strange how it hovers over this place...like it's shouting, "hey, pay attention to what's happening in this stable...it's a miracle!! don't miss it!"....even the animals seem to know what's happening...they just lay and wait.

the time has come and she knows it's time...she gives one last excruciating push and their son is born. The silence invites the first cries of a newborn...Overwhelmed with joy she takes the little baby to her chest. He looks into His mother's face....a face He already knew well, but is seeing for the first time through the eyes of an infant. i can't help but stare at this baby's face...there's something so familiar about Him...like, I know Him...and then the man began saying, "we shall name Him Emmanuel...this is the name the angels gave Him before He was born...

It means 'God With Us'."

ah, yes...it's true! i do know Him!! He is Jesus!

Joseph cleans the baby off...because just like every other baby, this baby was covered in the regular disgusting textures of birth that every baby has...everything about this event seems so ordinary, but it was anything but that! he hands him back to Mary who begins to feed Him...how marvelous it must have been to know He was the Creator, her Saviour, the King...and she's nourishing Him in a way that only she could!! i can't imagine the things she must have pondered in her heart! the very special treasured memories that she stored away...the joy she felt as she bonded with Him in those first moments...and then the pain she felt as she remembered His destiny...I can't help but think about it myself...I know the story of His sacrifice...His story is the most tragic I've ever heard...the story of how He romanced me and ultimately laid down His life so that I could have life...why would He come in this way? welcomed by ordinary people...welcomed by stinky animals...to be wrapped in dirty rags and to sleep in a borrowed feeding trough...i know He came to die...to fulfill the plan His Father had for my own redemption...but it's hard to imagine now as i look at His face.

i wonder if Mary kissed His feet and thought, "hmm...some day, these feet will walk on water"....i wonder if it was hard for Joseph to teach Him about carpentry, knowing that those tools would eventually be used against Him as He was nailed to the cross...i wonder if Mary heard Jesus' first words and shuddered at the thought of His words being mocked someday...i wonder if Jesus listened to other kids complain about their nose or height or weight and was tempted to say, "hey! i made you that way and you're perfect!"...i wonder if Mary worried about Jesus as he hung around with prostitutes and lepers...i wonder if Joseph silently cried as He nailed pieces of wood together...

i can't help but wonder as i look into His face.

And now I see His face again...He's much older now...a man. He grimaces as His hands and feet are nailed to the cross...He's hung up high on a hill like a banner for all to see...he's being mocked and ridiculed even still. it's the darkest day...there is no star hovering over this place...but something about this still screams, "hey! pay attention to what's happening on this hill!! it's a miracle! don't miss it!!"

i wonder if mary saw his blood-stained hands and remembered training him to walk while holding them...i wonder if she heard the sound of the hammer clinking into the nails and fondly remembered her husband teaching him the art of carpentry...i wonder if the men that hung Him up on the tree had any idea the part they were playing in my own personal story.

everything about this death seems so regular...ordinary...the blood, the sweat, the tears, the agony...but it was anything but that!! why would He choose to leave this way? rejected by the men and women He came to save...to be denied by some of His closest friends...to be buried in a borrowed tomb.

He takes His final breath and utters His final words, "it is finished"....and just like His first words, history begins. it's in that moment that i can't help but wonder if it hurt when He took my sins...couldn't there have been another way?? He could have called ten thousand angels to take Him off that cross...but He didn't... and He did it for me. i look into His face and i see the Son of God...Emmanuel...the Word that became flesh...born of a virgin teenager...conceived by the Holy Spirit...living for the sole purpose of dying...the Healer of lepers...the Sanctifier of filthy woman...the Redeemer of lost souls...the Giver of life to the spiritually dead...the untouchable God, made touchable...after seeing this, i can't help but believe...this...this is MY miracle...it started in Bethlehem...continued on Calvary...and is finished in me. He's the Restorer of MY soul...the Light unto MY path, the Healer of MY heart, the Author of my past, my present and my future, the Redeemer of my soul...the Finisher of my faith, the Correcter of MY wrongs...the Preserver of MY life...the Fulfillment of MY joy...the Reason i have HOPE...the Lifter of MY spirits...the One who serenades me as the Lover of MY soul...He is MY Salvation...and all because He became "God With Us"....all because He came...i Believe.

reporting LIVE! from underneath the christmas tree on christmas eve!

i LOVE wrapping presents! LOVE IT! the only bad thing about wrapping presents is knowing that eventually, someone is going to rip through it without close examination of the effort it took to make it look that way....i only know a few other people that need their hot glue gun while wrapping presents ;)

anyways...this year, i took pictures!

handmade petal flowers with feathers

little felt rolled flowers

the little presents are my favorite

simple brown packing paper with classic grosgrain ribbon

 in an assortment of christmas colors

shinier fun paper for my niece and nephew with cute felt gift bows and yarn pom poms

i'm not sure what i enjoy more...giving the actual gift or presenting the wrapping job

 (yes, i do...it's the wrapping part)

p.s. i got the gift tags for free from here...courtesy of jones design company!

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love, love, love...

...her chubby smiles.

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i love snapping random pictures of my little girl that are just a little too close.

introducing....

Mykenzie Jayne!!!

born September 19, 2011

7 pounds, 7 ounces

and more beautiful than we could have imagined.

she's funny...

and soft...

and chubby...

and sleepy...

and smiley...

...but most of all,

she's OURS!

and we're crazy about her!

welcome to the new blog

this coming year, i wanted to change things up a little by changing my blog. so much has happened in 2011 and i'm looking forward to 2012. i'm so thankful that even when unexpected things happen that are sad, God sprinkles those times with happy events. in 2011, my dad had quadruple bypass, we found out we were having a baby, my dad's twin brother died of a heart attack, my sister gave me a new niece, nate's grandmother passed away and we had mykenzie!! it seems like every other event reminded us to keep hoping...God gives AND takes away and loves us in both processes. i wanted my new blog to represent our new chapter...even though i feel like it's not just a new chapter, but an entirely different book on a different shelf...or maybe even a different bookshelf in a different room altogether. we are looking forward to the adventures as a family with Mykenzie!

Welcome to Our Love Rocks! it truly does :)

Something bigger

For pretty much my entire adult life, I've felt the desire to be part of something bigger than myself....something that only God is capable of doing....and when I see Mykenzie's ultrasounds, I realize I am.



How can people not believe in God, when having children makes Him so very real??

She shines like the sun

I never formally introduced my beautiful niece, Soleil Mariela!!! We love her!!!



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time is yummy

while i was in the hospital with zachary, they kept saying that every day he stayed inside was "icing on the cake"...and well, i'm 25 weeks today...so i feel like that's some substantial icing! and i don't even like icing, but this seems delicious in a non-edible sort of way!

{did you notice how i switched the saying from "time is money" to "time is yummy" because of the reference to icing??...did you get that?? ugh, i crack myself up a little too much, i guess}

a letter

dear sweet baby girl,

you are curled safely inside my body, completely unaware of the milestone that we've reached today...your journey with us started 24 weeks, 4 days ago which is exactly one day longer than i've ever been pregnant. i'm so happy to share this with you, my girl.

i couldn't sleep last night...

i felt so free to dream and plan for you...

we will have such a fun life together.

i keep picturing you in there...because of your big brother, i know what your skin feels like...i know it's soft...i know it's still a bit translucent...i know your eyes are sealed shut, but underneath those tiny lids, you have the darkest pupils with almost no whites to be seen yet. i can feel you move and know that your movements are slower and more gentle than they actually feel. i know you are perfect.

i could smile all day thinking of you....and sometimes, i do.

i hope you feel how much your daddy and i love you, baby. we always will.

we waited a long time for you and feel so grateful for each day we've had with you already.

i've been missing your brother a lot lately...i so wish he could have been here for all of this. i can't wait to tell you all about him...and through all my stories, i hope that i can clarify some things that can be confusing about God. Sweet Baby, His plans are mysterious but not to be feared....His plan for you is far more amazing than we can imagine...Grandpa has always said that "life is an adventure"...it truly is! and sometimes the adventure isn't always fun and can sometimes be scary, but as long as you're in His Will...you'll be ok. Mommy isn't a risk taker...but if i can teach you anything, it would be to risk it ALL for Him.

Mykenzie, we love you with all our hearts...we were never scared to love you too much.

You've had all of us from the beginning.

it would be better if each day were wrapped with paper and a bow

few things can compare to the elation i feel being pregnant with Mykenzie...

{i love her name}

in fact, the only thing that has even come close is being pregnant with Zachary...

there's something to be said about having life grow inside you...

and literally, God could have done it without me, but He chooses to use our bodies as a living pod for our babies...He invites us into the the creative art of life-making...what a gift! truly! i can think of very little that has brought as much joy into my life as the squirmy flips that Mykenzie seems to use to almost speak morse code reminding me that

today everything is ok...

i'm grateful.

i feel like Zachary taught us to love each other...and in the same way, Mykenzie will teach us to love each other even more...to put someone else's needs before our own...to be a family...

nothing is forgotten about Zachary...in fact, we remember our love for him even more...and some days, the pain feels so fresh and new...however, the pain of losing him could never compare to the love we have for him even still....and the love we share for Mykenzie.

loving & loss

i always expected it to be hard to love our second baby knowing the pain of losing our first...

it's not.

i almost feel like we love Mykenzie with all the love we would normally have had with the additional lifetime of love we would have given to Zachary. we decided early on, that loving less doesn't mean hurting less or even being scared less...and if something was to happen, i'd rather know that i loved her with my whole being every single day...and so that's what we do...we tell her we love her, we get giddy excited over ultrasounds, tutus, and pink things...we wait to feel squirms and kicks...we make plans for her nursery...we make plans for our future...

i'm 20 weeks this week and i'm starting to feel the anxiety creaping in...but i'm confident still that 20 weeks means i'm half way there...and NOT almost done.

name

when i think about how special My relationship is right now with baby girl, i can't help but think about how special our relationship is with our Heavenly Father...especially when it comes to the matter of names. with zachary, we had a few boy names picked, but we knew his name for sure when it was obvious he was arriving soon.

i've known Baby Girl's name for quite some time now and it's so fun to know something that no one (except a few others...and by this point, maybe you...hint, hint) know...it's so sneaky...

...but when i think about God...(yeah, the God of the Universe)...knowing MY NAME...that's Just Amazing!!

what's more?? my name was written in the book of life before the creation of the world?? (Rev 17:8) what?? yup, so not only did He know my name...but He intimately knew me!

i just don't see it happening...

i get new pocketbooks all the time...i get super excited about it, use it for a week or two; but it inevitably always ends up on my closet floor...

i get bored with my hairstyle...if i have short hair, i want long...

and you guessed it, if i have long, i need short...

i get cravings for food and continue to eat them until the thought of eating it again literally makes me ill...

i consume my brain with hobbys, initially investing numerous hours into it until i get bored and need to move on to something new...

i get bored at work....ALL. THE. TIME.

but one thing i don't think i could ever get bored with is

dreaming of Baby Girl...it's an impossibility...

i think about her all day long... i imagine her face...the sound of her voice...i'm looking forward to finally having someone to color with on my restaurant placemats...i look forward to finally having a reason to go on the kiddie rides at Six Flags...

i have a feeling, i'm going to be getting much fewer strange glances directed my way...

i just don't see myself ever getting bored with her.

i love this little girl! i know that every day i've gotten with her has been a true gift...and i so look forward to holding her hand while we walk across the street.

perks

being labeled "high risk" is annoying...only depending on who's doing the labeling...when it's my doctor, it gives me a sense of security...it's like, "hmm...she knows i need her to pay attention to me"...it's incredibly reassuring to have that on the front page of my file :)

another perk to this label is bi-monthly ultrasounds...mine started at 16 weeks and will continue until delivery. i may even get to go every week leading up to week 24. with all the stress that comes with the label, it's rewarding to see my baby growing in front of my eyes.

so, this past monday, my husband and i anxiously went for our first ultrasound since the tadpole-looking days...we knew that being 16 plus however many days along that we might be able to find out whether "it" is a "he" or "she"...

the ultrasound tech preceded to spread the usual messy concoction all over my stomach all while commenting on how modest my baby is...this will be good in the future, post-utero stages; but right then, i was looking for a serious reveal... i reluctantly began understanding that we probably weren't gonna get the tell-all pictures we were hoping for when all of a sudden we heard these sweet words:

you're having a baby girl!!

baby girl? baby girl?!?!

...that was 3 days ago...since then i've been tailspinning in a world of baby beautifulness...pink Red Sox hoodie, cutie owl onesies, crib bedding...

i'm hopelessly

in love

with this baby girl

(and all her accessories).

...and i'll see her sweet face again on April 27th...i already can't wait.

hope in pain

i remember going back to work after zachary passed away...

...i was there, but i wasn't there... i felt as though i was living in some other alternate universe where all i felt was pain and no one noticed...it seemed life went on for every one else...because when does life ever stop?? wouldn't it be nice to just pause life when tragedy strikes? but usually, the demands of life keep us forging ahead, however fake our attempt may be to get through the day.

...i've realized recently that although i felt very alone...i know (i KNOW) that i never was. life can't stop, but it doesn't mean people weren't thinking of me, praying for me,

sighing on my behalf....

...i realized this the last couple of weeks watching my father after he lost his twin brother. my heart desperately hurts for him and i miss the connection he had with him. part of me wishes life would stop so that my dad knows how much we are sharing in his pain...because i know for him, he's probably feeling the same way i did.

i'm so thankful that Heaven is for real! it's not an imaginary crutch used by people grasping for some positive outlook when dealing with the issues of losing someone...it's a REAL place...where my REAL God lives...and i can't wait to see it all.

in my mind, i long to be there to see zachary again...but i really believe that once i'm there, seeing him will be a minor attraction of heaven...i think i may just be distracted by meeting Jesus face-to-face. it's a comfort knowing that zachary KNOWS Jesus...he even knows His face...and that's cool to me...the same is true for my uncle.

...can't wait to see them both again.

upgrade

i will gladly trade sitting at a desk...

...for sitting on the floor.

i will gladly trade my paycheck....

....for wet, sloppy kisses.

i will gladly trade night school...

...for teaching my kids during the day.

i will gladly trade my social schedule...

...for one ruled by play dates.

i will gladly trade a booth for two...

...for a table for two adults and a high chair.

i will gladly trade peace and quiet...

...for chaos and noise.

i will gladly trade cute clutches...

...for diaper bags.

i will gladly trade wearing white...

...for wearing black to cover boogers and food splatter.

i will gladly trade sleep...

...for midnight feedings.

i will gladly trade personal creative time...

...for time teaching my kids to create.

i will gladly trade my dog...

...for my kids.

...because you never know...

hey, you know that person that just cut you off on the highway? yeah, that guy!...and then you beaped at him for 5 minutes while returning the favor?

...maybe he's on his way to the hospital to say "goodbye" to a loved one.

you know the customer service representative that just had an attitude with you?...and then you put her in her place and reported her to her supervisor?

...maybe her daughter is being treated for cancer.

you know the person who dresses bad and has body odor? yeah, the person we just laughed about?

...maybe he's living in his car.

Some people go through life collecting "junk" and are just waiting for someone to "dump" it on...i'd hate to be that kind of person! and some people...MANY people...have real issues...and because you just can't know, we should treat each other with love.

11 weeks

i'm 11 weeks today and somehow i feel like i'll be mentally exhausted by the time i make it past 24...i feel sort of like i'm in a brutal countdown...just waiting for something "bad" to happen...there have already been a few scary moments to this pregnancy and every time, it takes me back to the moment when i realized i was saying goodbye to zachary...part of me feels too weak to be able to handle reliving that over and over again...even if it's only in my head, nevermind in reality.

however, nate insists that this baby is "our good thing"....which coincidentally is part of my favorite verse that helped me the last 2 1/2 years while trying...he didn't even know.

"for the LORD GOD is a sun and shield. The Lord gives grace and glory. no good thing does He withhold from them who walk uprightly" Psalm 84:11

i really do feel like i'm gonna need a lot of grace in the upcoming months....a lot of mental rest...

my first goal is two parts: 1. pray more...2. look for answers on the internet less

that darn internet gets me in trouble every time!


this would be a lot easier if my brain didn't keep trying to get in the way...i just already love this baby so much.

answered

i'm loving this year so far!

first, although difficult to go through, we were able to see my father recover from open heart surgery. it was a huge blessing to find so much support from our church family. you find out who you can lean on when going through a tough time.

second, i completed my first semester of classes at RISD...loved it, loved it, loved it!!

third, nate and i found out we're having a baby!!!!!! woo hoo!!!! once again, we were overwhelmed with the love and support that we received from our church family. we received a wide spectrum of responses from our news...whether it was literal screeches of joy, spontaneous tears, or even peeing your pants a little (your secret is safe, no worries)...it was obvious to us that we were never alone in our journey. you were right there with us, partnering with us through prayer as usual. what a joy to share in answered prayer!!

God is so cool! i mean, after all the things we tried to "make" it happen, He did it in His own time...a very pleasant surprise after being told by doctors that there was almost no chance it would happen without their help...

we disagreed...considering we got pregnant with zachary without their help so we knew it was possible...but we knew it could take a long, long time.

after a baby boom at our church, we concluded to set up another appt with the specialist...the earliest i could make it because of my school schedule was january 28...thankfully, i was able to joyfully cancel that appt.

i don't feel at all like this should have happened 2 years ago or whatever... i really do feel like it happened "on time"...amazing to think that God's timing has brought together the exact chromosomes necessary to give us the exact child destined for us.

i'm 10 weeks today and couldn't be more tired or moody....but i'm soooo thankful to be feeling that again.

pray for us! pray for baby w!!! he/she needs to stay super comfortable for a very long time!

what a month!

january was craaaazy! thus the reason i've been away...

for starters, i made the decision to go back to school. i figure, there's so many things in my life that i can't control...i might as well do something about the things i can....and educating myself and putting myself in a better position career-wise is definitely a step in the right direction of no longer feeling "stuck".

also scheduled for january was my dad's heart catherterization. late in december, dad had a stress test and was diagnosed with coronary heart disease (hereditary....better start keeping my ticker in tip top shape). they told him he needed the catheterization and possibly stents and wanted to do it somewhat immediately, but because of holidays and the family vacationing etc, it ended up being put off for about 2 weeks.

we know that catheterizations and stents are very common procedures....but however common they are, it's still very scary to see someone you love have to go through any kind of heart procedure...i mean, remember....the heart is what pumps life into your body!

turns out, while they were doing the catheterization, they realized they couldn't do the stents...the blockages were too big and he needed a triple bypass...they scheduled it for the next day and we were terrified....terrified, but still trusting God. it's scary to think of all the things that could go wrong....and my mind definitely found itself dwelling on those things....afterall, this is the age my grandfather was when he died of heart complications...all of a sudden, i realized i didn't tell my dad i love him enough...which is weird...because our family practically hugs and kisses and tells each other we love each other even if we're just leaving the room....but somehow, it didn't seem like enough.

my dad seemed at peace with every thing...i guess a point comes when you realize you don't really have control over a situation anyways and you have to just give it up to God and know He's in control...i think this happened for all of us this week.

we ate and ate and ate at the hospital....after hours of waiting in the surgical waiting room, there's really nothing to do besides eat....so eat we did! we happen to be ridiculous fans of cafeteria food. i could actually go for some right now!!

the doctor finally came out and i couldn't understand a word he was saying...his accent was...chinese or korean...not really sure, but he smiled and that's all i cared about....because bad news isn't usually greeted with a smile.

while in surgery, they found a fourth blockage and so they gave him QUADRUPLE BYPASS...holy moly! that's a far stretch from catheterization! we got to see him soon after and....well, that was scary! tubes...eh...i have hospital anxiety anyways!

we are so thankful that the doctors found these blockages before he suffered a major heart attack...which they said was likely and imminent...he may not have recovered from that!

we are also so thankful for prayer...prayer is a privilege...prayer unites us with God and with other believers...prayer has power....power which is almost indefinable...

we are thankful for our family...and not just our immediate family...our a WHOLE family! we belong to a large church and our church really knows how to love....but it extends even beyond our own church....literally, hundreds of people outside of our church were praying for dad...and that's amazing...that's God!

my dad is currently on the mend and trying to take it easy. praise God for His care!

thank you to every one that prayed!

school, hospital visits, work, church and other things mixed in.....what a crazy month full of answered prayer!!!