john 3:16

i was reading my friend's blog a few weeks back and she posted a story she saw in an email forward...i loved it! and here's the story....i'm paraphrasing, but you could read it here.

it was a warm day when a father and his son arrived home...the boy was so excited to be able to go swimming in the lake that day...so excited that as he got out of the car, he headed directly to the water and jumped in with his clothes on and swam to the center of the lake. the father, who had a better view from land, saw that his son was in danger and immediately began yelling and waving his arms for his son to come back to him. the son heard the father and made a 360 back towards his dad. he reached land, but as his dad reached to lift him out of the water, an alligator got a hold of his legs and a torturous game of tug-of-war took place. an alligator is obviously no match for a man, but the father had passion the alligator didn't have. this was his son...and no alligator was gonna take that from him. eventually, a farmer heard the noise and came to help and the alligator released the grip of the boy's legs. he was rushed to the hospital and thankfully recovered. the local news was all over this heroic story. one reporter asked the young boy if they could see his scars...he uncovered his legs to show them all. but then he said, "but look at my arms!!"....his arms were a testimony of the passionate grip of his father who loved him so much that his fingers dug into his arm. i bet that boy was never unsure of his father's love because he has a permanent reminder.

i loved this story because because i, just like you, have scars...some of them are physical...i have burns, scars from falling, scars from surgery...some are emotional...and some are spiritual...but they all tell a story of where i've been and what i've survived.

the bible tells us in 1 peter 3:15 to always be ready to answer for the hope we have.

the answer for the hope i have is that God loves me passionately.

i love God, but i love Him because He first loved me...it would be awesome if i could claim that i did something to earn God's love...that i did something to make the God of the Universe, the Creator of Heaven and Earth, love me....

....but it's incredibly reassuring to know that i don't have to....

His love is shown to us first in creation....He created us for His pleasure, but He also knew that we would let Him down sometimes...He knew we wouldn't stay perfect...but He was ok with initiating a relationship with someone like me...He created me anyways....and continues to work in me. that's pretty neat.

His love is shown to us in His birth...born to die...He knew it all along...He'd have to die for His creation...He willingly did so...what an incredible story of a King that became a baby...the most humbling way to start...(i often wonder what Jesus' thoughts were as a baby...were they as simple as ours probably were...or were they ponderings of His great future He had planned, the miraculous plan of our redemption).

His love is shown to us on the cross..."For God so loved the world, that He gave His only Begotton Son that whosoever believes in Him should not perish, but have everlasting life" John 3:16...He paid a debt that we could never pay. (Thank You for that sacrifice.)

as this year closes, my thoughts are on His love...i'm thankful His grip is ferocious and that His love for me is passionate...i'm thankful for my scars. they are proof of my survival. they are proof He's stronger. if it wasn't for His love, i would have died by the fury of sin, depression, obssessive thoughts, fear, anxiety and grief.

what are you thankful for today? what have you learned this year?

just a thought saved in my draft folder

everyone goes through trials...Christian or not...there are troubles in this life, for sure...

it's common to be able to praise God AFTER the trial has passed.

it's so easy to see God's faithfulness to us once we see the end result.

it's one of those instances when hindsight is 20/20...things always seem to make more sense when it's in the past. we look back and we try to connect the dots...looking for "reasons" that things happen.

but my question is this: isn't faith "the substance of things HOPED for, the evidence of things NOT SEEN?"?!

shouldn't faith sustain us BEFORE the trial has passed?

shouldn't we, who have faith, know to the very core of our being that God has already been faithful to us?

do we really need the trial to pass in order to give Him praise?

do we miss the benefit of the trial? that a trial leads us to courage, endurance, faith?

do we miss that trials strengthen our character, molding us into a usable work of art?

shouldn't we praise Him, in advance, FOR the trial because we know it will work out according to His plan??

i need to resolve my faith before trying to resolve the trial.

the question

i can hear it coming before it's even spoken...the question that is inevitably asked after meeting someone new...it always happens after a series of other common, "safe" questions...

so, where do you live?
how long have you gone to church here?
oh, you are married?
how long have you been married?
oh!! six and half years?!?!

and then here it is--

do you have any kids??

errr....this question is not meant to be a trick question, but for some reason, Nate and I don't always know how to answer it. the fact is, he's a father and i'm a mother....but we aren't a mommy and a daddy anymore...

we could answer "yes" but then that launches a series of other questions...

how many do you have?
boy or girl?
how old?

we could answer "no" but then that leaves us with this nasty, guilty feeling that we denied zachary's existence and his very prominent belonging in our lives!

we could answer "yes, he lives in Heaven", but that opens us up to a serious and possibly emotional conversation with someone who is most likely a complete stranger.

sometimes the answer depends on the situation and setting...my answer might be different talking to a stranger in the aisle at Target then someone who just lost a loved one.

tonight, we answered "no" and it hurt....and i hated it....and i miss him.

image and perspective

we joke that i grew up living in a cocoon..."the cocoon years"...years of hideous outfits, puffy, short hair, horrible teeth that were too big for my face, bad choice of glasses...oh, the list could go on and i have school pictures to prove it (although i've noticed that the year my "cocoon-ness" peaked, there's no picture to prove it...was i too busted to justify the money spent on that picture?!?! :)

although i gained control of hairstyles and eye wear, and my face fortunately grew to fit my teeth....i still always felt sorta dorky. i grew a TON between 6th and 7th grade! i was one of the shortest kids in 6th grade and that summer i became one of the tallest in my class. i had to be on the back row of our class picture with all the boys. i ALWAYS thought i was fat!!! ALWAYS! that's a ridiculous notion now that i look back at pictures of myself! i think i thought this because of who i was comparing myself to...other girls that had completely different body types than me...i was always thin in highschool, but i was tall...so that automatically made me feel awkward and larger than i was in reality.

anyways! i was thinking about how the perspective i have towards my body has changed as i have grown up...my body went from something that i compared to others and never thought was good enough to so much more.

after i had zachary, i realized that my body was a home for my child. it's pretty sobering to realize that God gave us the ability to nuture life right inside ourselves. so, i stopped comparing my body and started trying to make it the best home it could possibly be.

after realizing my difficulty with growing our family, my perspective changed again. my body is a temple. seriously, the Holy Ghost dwells inside me! what?!?! this has been a spiritual battle even more than it's been a physical one.

so, of course, i'd still like to be a size 6 some day...i'm a girl! my personal expectations will always be there! but, i've noticed motivation has definitely changed. i want to be different, but not because i think i'm not good enough "as is"...but because i want to be the best "me" for my baby and my God. i want to be healthy to be able to nurture my baby...i want to be strong so i can use my body to it's fullest capacity...i want to maintain health so that the time i spend living is quality...i want to have energy to do things for God...

p.s. i haven't had burger king, mcdonalds, dunkin donuts, wendy's, taco bell, or kfc since MARCH!!! if you know my old eating habits, you know this is a huge achievement :)

fears and faith

i have a long list of fears...here's a few for your reading pleasure:

people coughing/sneezing directly on me or into their hand and then shaking mine

vomit...terrified of this one

doctors...which is weird because i have one for every part of my body pretty much

cancer...because you might not know it's there until it's too late

rejection...because everyone loves to be accepted

failure...because i want to be really good at something

drowning...because...this is self-explanatory....

heights...because i don't want to fall

closed in spaces...because i love an easily accessible escape route

loneliness...because i love Nate so much...i never want to be without him

i have fears...a lot of them...more than what i listed here...

i have fears about my future...fears that i'll never have another child...fears that i've put other dreams on hold for so long and that one day, it will be too late....fears that i'll focus on one dream over another and i'll have regrets...

i've realized that the only reason these are fears is because there's some dark shadowing hovering over them...every one of these things invokes a feeling of uncertainty...

but...

here's my faith...and it's a short list:

"Thy word is a lamp unto my feet

and a light unto my path".

God's word tell us that He'll supply light for each step...and i don't need to know what happens around the bend where the shadow is...yep, the road can be uncertain at times...and that's ok...because He'll supply the light i need to make sure my foot is in the right place.

waiting for the harvest

a facebook friend of mine posted this status and i am in love with it...

‎"God will never send us into the valley and ask us to bow to His authority there without sooner or later bringing a harvest from the ground watered by our sweat and tears." ~Beth Moore

i've been in a valley for the last 3 years it seems and this quote is just a sweet reminder that there's a purpose for it!

being in a valley...
1. makes you recognize the mountain

2. humbles you, placing you in your proper place under God's authority

3. exhausts you, but worth the view from the mountaintop

4. brings God so near to us...near enough to capture those tears in a bottle.

5. reaps a harvest!!!!

God loves us so much and His plans are perfect!

...and I'll just keep waiting, waiting, waiting for the harvest...
BUT, i should keep my eyes open because the "fruit" might not look like how i expect...
God's plan might not be the same as my plan, but I'm confident that no matter what...
there will be fruit.

nothing is wasted.

it's no surprise that the recent prayers for our baby have increased....or that the recent heaviness on my heart has coincided with the baby boom among my friends and zachary's anniversary of life.

plain and simple: i just really want a baby.

as if you didn't already know that.

there's something about the chaos that a newborn brings that seems so enticing.

i want all of it.

i'm incredibly happy for my friends. i love them...and i love their kiddos. but, fear creaps up and speaks words of doubt to me...doubt that i'll ever have my own to hold...doubt that i'll ever be able to have playdates...

doubt. it stinks.

enough said about that.

sometimes, a "congratulations" is painfully similar to an admission of the things i don't have...and it's painful to admit you want "more" out of your life (if that makes sense.)

the overwhelming positive i find is that God uses everything.

literally, nothing is wasted...

i love that.

Zachary's Feet

You may have noticed that i added a picture of Zachary's feet in my sidebar. They are actual size on my computer...if they are just under 2 inches, they are actual size on yours.

It's pretty unbelievable that someone that small could be so complete.

"...fearfully and wonderfully made..." indeed!

eye contact

maybe you've seen a mom do this before...it's likely that it's been done to you or that you've done it to your child....

the child is just misbehaving and not listening at all...or maybe the child is just restless and not paying full attention...but the mom will grab hold of the child's face with both hands, get some eye contact and repeat her orders.

it seems to work.

there are things in life that happen and it causes me to wonder if God is trying to get my attention or trying to get me to refocus.

is He holding my face and looking for eye contact?

it's true even in the case of Peter. Jesus was off praying alone and the boat went afar off into the water by the time He was done. He walked on the water towards the boat and the fisherman that knew Jesus became scared thinking that it was a ghost! the men KNEW Jesus personally and in some strange way, didn't recognize Him and didn't recognize His power. so Peter said, "if that's You, then command me to come to You on the water". Jesus replied, "come". so Peter got out of the boat and began walking towards Jesus. He was walking on water! Obviously, this is something supernatural that took place, but even in that moment when Peter was experiencing the power of God, he got distracted and focused on the wind and the crashing waves. the fear and circumstances of his experience began to trump the faith he had in the One that gave him the power to pass over the water without sinking!

let it not be said of me!

Peter cried out to Him and immediately Jesus reached out His hand.

all Peter needed was a little eye contact.

my goal is for others to witness me walking on water,

and just like the fisherman watching from the boat, they'll say...

"Truly, You are the Son of God"

this blog.

i was talking with a friend today about different themes that people stick to while in blogworld...

there are the quiliting blogs, sewing blogs, general crafting blogs, photography blogs, family blogs, design blogs, spiritual blogs, ranting blogs...(blog is a weird "word" now).

i was saying that i typically write about zachary and don't usually share anything other that...there are no cute pictures or tutorials for fun crafts i'm working on....just the plain guts of the inner parts of my heart...i share my thoughts when i come to some resolution in my own heart...and that's why my posts are few and far between.

she said, "i'm sure you'll post about your future children".

....and that made me happy....

this blog has been an outlet for me to share the hope i've found after losing Zachary...

my readers, you've followed me when my grief was new...when i was standing in the front line of battle struggling to find some sense of reality after losing Zachary.

you've read about the victory i've found in Jesus...the peace He gives...my ability to rely on Him easier because i've felt the strength of His hands.

you've continued to read as i've struggled with the very personal pain of trying to grow our family...

my blog, just like my life, has gone through different phases...

and i look forward to the next phase to share alongside you.

outliving

as i listened to my favorite Christian radio station this morning, KLOVE...i was touched to hear stories of "outliving your life"....basically, the idea of leaving a legacy.

i love the idea of a legacy. it reminds of Nichole Nordeman's lyrics:

"i want to leave a legacy

how will they remember me?

did i choose to love?

did i point to You enough

to make a mark on things?

i want to leave an offering,

a child of mercy and grace who

blessed Your Name unapologetically

and leave that kind of legacy.

i don't have to look too far or too long awhile

to make a lengthy list of all that i enjoy

it's an accumulating trinket and a treasure pile

where moth and rust, thieves and such will soon enough destroy

not well-traveled, not well-read, not well-to-do or well bred

just want to hear instead,

"Well done, good and faithful one."

this idea of a legacy, is one of the reasons it's always my pleasure to share Zachary's story.

i can't talk about Zachary without pointing to Jesus...

it was His Grace, His Mercy, His Love that kept us sane...

without Him, i have no story worth mentioning.

interesting to me that typically we believe that most children outlive the lives of their parents...

that didn't happen in Zach's case...

but he DID outlive his own.

answers

ever ask God something over and over and over again and wonder what the answer was?

i have.

i've asked God why He took Zach from us...and although there are many reasons that i know now, i don't think i'll have a complete perspective until Heaven...

sometimes answers come in the form of a test result...

sometimes they come in a form of answered prayer...

this time, mine was a combination of both!

this week, i got answers to "why aren't you giving me a baby?!"

...and i'm blown away by His sovereignty...

because by NOT answering that prayer the way i wanted,

He DID answer a different prayer of mine!

to protect my future baby.

when i think about the last two years of trying...

when i think about all the disappointment...

all the tears...

all the anger...

all the jealousy...

it's seems kinda silly!

because He knew better to answer the more important prayer.

none of those emotions would compare to the tremendous pain of losing another child,

which is what likely could have happened if i went untreated.

it's a really different feeling to be thankful that i didn't get pregnant the last two years.

after all the different treatments i tried that really should have worked...

they didn't...

and there's a perfectly good reason for it!

now, to fix the root problem!

Thank you, God for your answers...

and for showing me bits and pieces of your plan

even when You don't need to clue me in.

Continue to guide and lead us in our journey.

We put our trust You.

i need to get my facts straight.

tomorrow, i take a BIG step...

you may not understand how big a step it is; but for me, it feels huge!

tomorrow, i tell my acupuncturist that i'm "taking a break".

not from her necessarily...but from "trying".

i'm nervous that she's going to try to talk me out of it...

that she's going to think that i'm "burning out"

and that i need some sort of convincing to keep trying....

but here's the thing:

there's a big difference between

GIVING UP and GIVING IN.

i'm making a concious, intentional decision

to actively surrender all the things

i use to trick my mind into thinking

i have some sort of control over having another child.

i know that God controls all things!

He has a plan for me

and knows the best possible scenario for our family.

anyways...

i know that my conviction to step back from acupuncture might not make sense to some...

including my acupuncturist!

i've seen some markable improvements because of my treatments...

and i love my acupuncturist and how she listens and treats me specifically.

but, i know that if i continue, i won't be completely surrendered.

(this post is for me...not for you...but you can read if you'd like :)

i'm just trying to get my facts straight before going in tomorrow.)

first, the last three years of our lives have been extremely stressful

with the loss of our son, Zachary...

the first year after losing him, we dealt with multiple levels of grief, anxiety and depression.

then we jumped right in to having another baby.

closed door.

i exchanged depression because of losing my child

for depression for possibly never being able to have one.

anxiety.

grief.

stress.

all over again.

i say i "exchanged" it but the emotions of losing Zachary

and not being able to have another one are very much intermingled.

sometimes it's necessary to take a step back and nurture the things you DO have...

i get tired of focusing my energy on obtaining something...

i feel it's hard for me to be content,

when i'm always reaching for something else.

i can't hug what i have...

when my hands are still reaching.

i have a hard time distinguishing what has been a physical condition,

and what has been a spiritual lesson.

C.S. Lewis once said,

"you don't have a soul. you are a soul.

you have a body."

no wonder, God uses our bodies to teach us some serious spiritual lessons.

the Bible tells us,

that without faith,

it's impossible to please God.

and then it tells us,

that "the testing of our faith produces steadfastness."

i'm not surprised that God allows certain trials in our lives.

it's hard to understand how a loving God could watch His child hurt;

but when you look at it from a Heavenly perspective....

God allows things to happen in our lives,

to make us steadfast in our faith...

to achieve our number one purpose of living-

to please HIM!

we were created for His pleasure.

He's not some giant puppet master, pulling the strings of our lives...

He's a loving, gentle Father that masterfully designs us

to KNOW HIM.

in the great scheme of things,

it doesn't matter if i have another child...

if i don't have another, i'll have no regrets in Heaven....

that's a Heavenly perspective!

2 Corinthians 4:16-18

"So we do not lose heart.

Though our outer self is wasting away,

our inner self is renewed day by day.

For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us

an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison,

as we look not to the things that are seen

but to the things that are unseen.

For the things that are seen are transient,

but the things that are unseen are eternal."

it has always been my plan to remain proactive...

of course, my desire for a child will not go away.

God knows that.

He gave me that desire!!

and i think that trusting God

is the most proactive thing i can do!

wilderness and the promised land

last night at church, pastor made a brief statement about how the Israelites wandered in the wilderness for 40 years before reaching the promised land. he said that they were in this "stuck"/"wandering" condition because of their unbelief and continued to say that many died over the course of that 40 years without ever reaching the land that God promised them.

i couldn't help but relate to those Israelites...

wandering.....stuck....deserted....knowing that

God has something better planned,

but feeling like it's unattainable.

i've been thinking this past week or so that maybe...just maybe...i don't surrender completely to God's plan...maybe i have a belief problem...maybe i have a little bit of difficulty believing God's promises.

how terrifying to think that this waiting period...this wandering...this stuckness...could be a symptom of my disbelief...or even just the fact that i try too hard to control my circumstances.

i need to surrender.

i need to keep my eyes focused on what's promised.

hey! being in the wilderness isn't all bad!!

during the time of their wandering, the Israelites saw miracles happen...

the parting of the red sea

moses striking the rock bringing forth water

manna from heaven

the burning bush

i'm gonna keep my eyes open for those inevitable miracles....but for now, i'm submitting to the fact that God has a plan for me and i'm loosening my grip on the situations i'm trying to control.

i believe that when i surrender....the biggest miracle of all will happen.

the "promised land" looks pretty good from here...

i'll be there soon.

a reminder to myself

it's so easy to praise God when things are good.

it's hard to do so when things aren't.

i'm determined....

to have peace.

to love God.

to embrace lessons learned.

to never stop growing.

to have faith.

to believe that...

"no good thing does the Lord withhold

from those who walk uprightly."

(psalm 84:11)

to hold on to Jesus.

to praise God.

it seems so easy when it's written out in list form...

let's see if i, by His strength, can make it happen.

miracles

i've heard the argument before that childbirth is not a miracle

because it happens all the time.

a miracle is supposedly something mysterious...something like a pilot and co-pilot simultaneously having a heart attack but a passenger on the plane had just completed his pilot licensure and was able to land the plane.

something like that would be out of the ordinary, for sure...

but, i'm not sure it's any more significant than that of giving birth.

would it only be a miracle if it was someone who couldn't have a child that gave birth?

would it even be a miracle then?!

i refuse to be less amazed with a baby's first cry or the grip of it's hand...

God gives us life

and that means that life has been divinely and supernaturally given...

how is that NOT a miracle?!?!

a miracle should not be diminished by it's frequent occurence....

people are spontaneously healed from diseases every day...but we still call it a miracle!

so, life is given every day...let's call it what it is.

i fear that if we stop looking at life as what it really is,

it will be reduced to what it really isn't.

in the same way, i refuse to believe that miracles can't happen to me!

i took a look at all the miracles that Jesus did....apart from His own virgin birth and resurrection, He healed the blind, the lepers, the crippled, the deaf...raised people from the dead, turned water into wine, fed 5,000 people with enough food for one, calmed the sea, healed a severed ear, cast out demons, walked on water...

and saved my soul!!

how can i not trust Him to calm my storms, to provide for me when there's little, to heal my body?!? how could i praise Him for it and still believe it's commonplace?

help me not to become ignorant to God's

divine intervention in my life!

so, i'm gonna keep praying for my miracle because...

i believe in miracles because i believe in God.

"keep looking up...afterall, that's where miracles come from"

we are breaking up.

dear love of my life,

we need to talk.

i love you.

i always have.

i always will.

i always thought this love was mutual....

but lately...

i'm noticing that you haven't been treating me the same as you use to.

when we were together, i use to feel happy and content...

and now i just feel guilt.

i know we shouldn't be together. it's just not a healthy relationship.

it seems to be take, take, take and you really give me nothing but little to no self-respect.

we've had some good times.

staying up til late in the night. watching movies. secretly meeting in the bathroom.

you've gotten me through some hard times too...

emotional meltdowns, break ups, mid-terms...

you've always been there for me to depend on.

i know i just saw you a few moments ago and could have told you this in person.

i apologize for this public humiliation.

you really do make my heart beat a little bit faster.

i know i'll miss you more.

and in my weakness, i may want to return to you.

maybe it's because i'm getting older and i'm changing...maybe i expect too much...

maybe i know i deserve more.

but for now, Chocolate, we are through.

this is just the way it has to be.

warmly,

jaclyn, a secret fatty

when the wait is over...

i could take a break from sucking in my stomach. i could use a break from that.

i could start liking my outfits instead of thinking..."this outfit would be so cute...IF my stomach was a baby and not bloated fattiness".

i could feel guilt-free about not exercising...afterall, i'll have to take it easy.

i could justify eating ice cream everyday as my dairy.

i could get away with having chipped toe nail polish...i wouldn't be able to reach my feet anyways.

i could get away with not shaving my legs???....um, probably couldn't get away with that one for long.

most of all...

i could see the flicker of life on an ultrasound screen before the heartbeat is even audible.

i could hear the swirly sound of my baby's heart pumping life into his little body.

i could feel kicks and squirms.....i so long to feel kicks and squirms again.

i could decorate his nursery...marking a physical home for him.

i could have a baby shower...anticipating his arrival!

i could hold my baby!!!

i CAN'T WAIT for the wait to be over!

secretly, i hope i win this...

check out a great giveaway here!

amazing love!

Every Thursday night, I can be found with a bunch of girls studying the book of Daniel. It's just a small chapter of God's great love letter to us. I challenged myself to actually complete the entire 12 week study without fizzling...I think I'm on week 4.

If interested in checking out the study, It's "Daniel: Lives of Integrity; Words of Prophecy" by Beth Moore.

Anyways, I was reading through this week's homework and I love when things stick out! For me, things that stick out should be noted since most times I'm a skimmer when reading.

She wrote, ".....Not a pagan king like Nebuchadnezzar, but a king after God's own heart. King David has sinned grievously against God by committing adultery with Bathsheba and having her husband, Uriah, killed in battle. Furthermore, David refused to own up to his sin for months."

So, obviously that's just an excerpt and you wouldn't really get her point, but here's my point:

David was a "man after God's own heart"?? Does anyone else find this odd?! That David, an adulterer, a murderer...a conspirer....was the best that God could find?!?!

I love, love, love that God loves us despite the ugliness of our sin. Christ came to save us, but He came when we were still sinners. He came to redeem us. It's quite frankly amazing to think about!!

We are so limited with our understanding of love and forgiveness!!

The apostle Paul shares some beautiful insights about unbelief vs. God's redeeming love:

Romans 11:11-23

vs. 17--->But if some of the branches were broken off, and you, although a wild olive shoot, were grafted in among the others and now share in the nourishing root of the olive tree, do not be arrogant toward the branches. If you are, remember it is not you who support the root, but the root that supports you. Then you will say, "Branches were broken off so that I might be grafted in". That is true. They were broken off because of their unbelief, but you stand fast through faith. So do not become proud, but fear. For if God did not spare the natural branches, neither will he spare you. Note then the kindness and severity of God: severity toward those who have fallen, but God's kindness to you, provided you continue in His kindness. Otherwise you too will be cut off. And even they, if they do not continue in their unbelief will be grafted in, for God has the power to graft them in again. <---vs. 23

Thank you, God for the mysteries of Your redeeming love!

simplify

recently, nate and i have made important decisions to actively simplify our lives. the last three years of our lives have been...complicated...complex...not any more.

circumstances did not pan out the way we intended or desired, but hey! that's ok with us! we are trusting in God's plan and we know that it's much better than what our limited brains could conjure up.

we moved into an apartment which puts us in a much better position from every angle. i'd go into more detail, but internet, i don't trust you so much :)

anyways, my point...

as we moved (and continue to move since we aren't completely finished yet), we had to make decisions on what stuff we were gonna bring with us. we moved all of our necessary stuff over to the apartment and have been doing fine without the rest...the fact is, we still have a house full of junk that we literally don't even need or use. i found myself holding an item in my hand and trying to convince myself that i DON'T need it and that i DO need it at the same time...sorta multiple personalities of me. my only argument on both sides is "i haven't used this in 5 years, BUT what if i NEED this next week".

new starts call for simplification...don't bring the same junk with you.

confession:

three years ago, i stopped praying.

well, i still prayed, but nothing like what i use to.

i lost intimacy.

intimacy with my Best Friend.

i prayed fervently at my little man's bedside...i was devastated that God didn't answer my prayers according to my desires. but, my desire isn't what prayer is all about.

i'm learning that.

i stopped praying because i began to feel that prayer was a risk. prayer is hopeful. and hope is a gamble sometimes.

does hope lead to a bigger devastation?? i think that's what i thought.

not anymore.

prayer simplifies things. negativity, hopelessness, self-pity.....they complicate things.

i cannot simply rely on the fact that God knows my desires, my thoughts, my needs. He longs to know me daily...for me to know Him. the Bible says that the prayers of a righteous person accomplishes a lot! i want to be productive in my prayer life.

so, maybe prayer doesn't change circumstances,

but prayer certainly changes me.

out with the old; in with the new

the game of LIFE

i stink at playing games. i always have. my brother and i use to play games all the time. he taught me how to play chess and checkers, monopoly, uno, knock hockey, fireball island....

all these games are different. the common denominator is that i lost every time and cried hysterically every time. i'm the worst loser.

my life lately has reminded me of the feeling of getting run over by a rogue fireball, getting my hand smacked by a hockey stick, drawing four, getting sent directly to jail without passing "go", and getting check mated...

basically, i feel like i'm losing at this game of life. while everyone else out there is setting goals and becoming winners....i'm stuck being the loser.

i'm behind bars watching everyone pass "go" and collect $200...they even pick up beauty contest awards from community chest...they yell out "uno" and it just so happens to be their color....

when i think about it...i've probably learned more about life by being a loser than i probably would have if i was always a winner.

does this sound like a pity party?? um, probably....but i'm admitting this because i'm changing my ways...

i have to learn to take the hits when they keep coming. Faith, Family and Friends....that's all i need to make my life worth while. (hahaha...that just reminded me of "the jerk" with Steve Martin...."and this chair! and that's all i need...and this lamp...and that's all i need! the chair and the lamp and this thermos! and that's all i need!...sorry, serious sidenote)

instead of submitting to the urge to only feel emptiness, i'm going to start filling that emptiness with faith, family and friends.

this is my 100th post :)

ever read the bible and feel like you got hit with a bunch of truth? check out this chapter in Romans 1:

(v18)For the wrath of God is revealed from heaven against all ungodliness and unrighteousness of men who suppress the truth in unrighteousness, because that which is known about God is evident within them; for God made it evident to them.

For since the creation of the world His invisible attributes, His eternal power and diving nature, have been clearly seen, being understood through what has been made, so that they are without excuse.

For even though they knew God, they did not honor Him as God or give thanks, but they became futile in their speculations, and their foolish heart was darkened. Professing to be wise, they became fools, and exchanged the glory of the incorruptible God for an image in the form of corruptible man and of birds and four-footed animals and crawling creatures....

(v25) for they exhanged the truth of God for a lie, and worshiped and served the creature rather than the Creator, who is blessed forever. Amen.

Thank you, God, for allowing us to know you through Your creation. To see your handiwork in nature and in our own images...who could say there is no God? Thank you for being a knowable God. Thank you that I can have a real, growing, constant relationship with You. Guard my heart from the lies and deceptions of this world so that my heart will not be darkened and hardened to Your light. Thank you for Your unchangeable Truth. Amen.

2 Timothy 4

"Preach the Word;

be ready in season and out of season;

reprove, rebuke, and exhort, with complete patience and teaching.

For the time is coming when people will not endure sound teaching,

but having itching ears they will accumulate for themselves

teachers to suit their own passions,

and will turn away from listening to the truth and

wander off into myths.

As for you,

always be sober-minded,

endure suffering,

do the work of an evangelist,

fulfill your ministry."

"Anything that can be

will be

shaken

until only YOU

remain"

....and that's all i need.

dancing with my eyes closed

Stephen Curtis Chapman used his creative expertise to dedicate an entire album to his adopted daughter Maria Sue. She was tragically killed in a home accident a few years ago....and his honesty is overwhelming in this cd...he put into songs emotions that i could never put into words.

The song that the album is named after has these lyrics and they are constantly in my head lately...

"Out of these ashes,

Beauty will rise...

and I will dance among the ruins

I'll see it with my own eyes"

I can't help but consider the magnitude of what it means to "dance among the ruins".....to, regardless of circumstances, praise God for the "ruins" because you KNOW He will make something incredibly beautiful from it. Such sweet abandonment in the arms of our Saviour!

footprints

when we first moved into this house, we noticed a cat that daily rested outside our door on the second floor. nate hated this cat....it scared us as we exited.....it slept on the hood of our car.....it lurked in our backyard.....anyways, for a long time, we didn't see it....

but then, it snowed....

....and little cat footprints lead from the street to the car...to the backyard...to the steps....to our door.

stupid cat.

we are dog people.

my point is this:

if it wasn't for the snowstorm, we would have never seen the tracks...we would have never known that the cat was still alive.....it would have left no impact on us at all...if i didn't see the tracks, i would have never thought, "hmmm...i wonder what that cat is up to?" or "i wonder where that stupid cat lives" or "that cat better not be scratching the hood of the car".

and then i wonder....

if it wasn't for the storms in my life....maybe I wouldn't leave any tracks either.

"oh may all who come behind us find us faithful
may the fire of our devotion light their way
may the footprints that we leave
lead them to believe
and the lives we live, inspire them to obey"

notes to self; prayers to God

last night, i perused the pages of the Bible i was reading a little over 2 years ago....it was a brand-new Bible at the time; but now it's torn...passages are underlined....notes are written in the side column.

it brought me back to a time that i hungered to be in His Word....i needed it....i needed it to focus my mind....to give me pure material to meditate on....to keep me on the right path....to ruthlessly trust my Saviour.....to convince me that His plan is better than mine.....to remind me that He isn't finished with me yet.

it dawned on me that 2 years ago, i felt the farthest from God that i ever have before that time; but the pages of my Bible prove otherwise. the words i wrote weren't words of someone who was not close to God....or didn't know Him....they were the words of someone who was clinging to Him.

those dark days were intimidating and honestly, some days i would have rather died; but how much more i appreciate His Light and life now! Jesus came to give us life and life MORE abundantly!

today, the Bible i use has very few underlined sections...very rarely do i see a note....i'm not saying that this is a mark of a non-growing Christian...i'm just noticing that my darkest hour was the hour that Jesus shined brightest.....and although i felt that God was not near, it seems He was right there all along.

senses

taste. feel. touch. sound. sight.

it's amazing how God designed us with senses that help us take advantage of His creation...we can witness a flock of birds bursting out of a tree, aligning themselves into the perfect "v" formation....we can be brought to another country by tasting the palette of flavors in any cuisine...we can be reminded of our childhood teddy bear by brushing our skin up against a familiar texture...

i love that the smell of my lipgloss brings me back to the nicu...i obsessively applied my lipgloss while in the nicu and the smell of it now reminds me of the days that zachary was still here with us...i refuse to switch flavors and i don't know what i'll do when Bath & Body no longer makes it...

i hate the smell of purell...it reminds me of how much i had to un-contaminate myself before even seeing him...it just reminds me that i didn't get to hold him...BUT, it also reminds me of how excited i use to feel knowing that washing our hands in the scrub down room meant we were going to see him.

i love that there's a small part on nate's forehead that feels just like zachary's....it's the part right before the hair line that has that baby hair feel...

i love that i have pictures to help remind me of those days....

but i hate that staring at them can never bring him back. i can stare at the only picture i have of me kissing zachary on the forehead, but nothing can bring me back to that kind of physical closeness with him (while i'm still here on earth, of course...)

today kinda stinks. i miss my little man...

i'm thankful for my senses that bring me back to him.

i've been delurking myself all week

CALLING ALL LURKERS!!! Now is the time to come out of those dark corners of the internet and boldly pronounce that you've found some kind of interest in reading my random thoughts...Yes, you check in monthly, weekly...or maybe even daily and you read what should be just scribbles in a notebook....You've been found out! I know you are out there! You are more than welcome to peruse the pages of this site in complete privacy, but I beckon to you to disclose your identity by taking 2 seconds to leave a comment!

As always, thanks for reading my blog! I just want to get to know who's out there so I can follow you too!!!

coincidence?!?!

i made a resolution (more on this later) to read the whole Bible in a year....granted, i have other facebook friends that have decided to do it in 90 days which kinda makes my commitment look kinda shabby; but regardless, it's a commitment! i chose my reading plan at YouVersion.com. you can also set up an account and read along with me...i chose the "life journal reading plan"...which schedules you to read the old testament once and the new testament twice in year...i tried to do this last year, but got stumped somewhere in the middle of Leviticus

anyways, i was totally blessed yesterday as i was reading because technically, it was my first day.....yes, you read that right....my resolution was already failing only 6 days into the new year so I had a lot of catching up to do....

i started with the chapters i was scheduled to read in Genesis and what do you think it had for me there?! well, they were the chapters where Abraham and Sarah doubt that God would bless them with the many children promised to them......and what about the chapters i was scheduled to read in Luke?!?! it was the chapters where Elizabeth who was barren found out she conceived John and Mary found out about the miraculous conception of Jesus......

my heart was happy when i realized that miracles STILL happen....

my hope is that at the end of my life, it can be said "BY FAITH, Jaclyn dealt with many dark days, the grief of losing her son, the hardship caused by poor decisions, the fear of failure, anxiety over the future......and because of her FAITH, she NEVER lost sight of God's love and the HOPE He offers so freely....because of her salvation, she stands firm upon the promise of Heaven where all wrongs will be made right and there is no more tears...despite her circumstances, she always remained confident in God's bigger purpose"

so.....that sounded like a eulogy but you get my point :)

rising or setting

this weekend we went to PA and saw the Liberty Bell and Independence Hall....my favorite was Independence Hall and seeing the old architecture...we also saw George Washington's original chair that he sat in as he led meetings to declare Independence!

if you notice in the top, it has a sun etched in it....James Madison reported Ben Franklin to say, "I have often looked at that behind the president without being able to tell whether it was rising or setting. But now I....know that it is a rising..sun"

i couldn't help but relate to that....there are times in life when you just aren't sure if you are making right decisions...whether what you're going through is going to destroy you...

keep hoping.....it's a rising sun...not a setting.