This whole time, I felt like I was on an icy lake...I was carrying a very large burden and I was scared that the extra weight would break the ice...At first, I stayed close to the shore because I knew that at any moment I could jump off to safety...there was also a Man on the shore that I knew would reach out His hand if the ice started to crack...In fact, the ice DID crack and instead of reaching my hand out for His, I ran away from crack further towards the center of the frozen lake, holding on to my burden as though it could be a life preserver with an impossible delusion that I could out run the crack...Before long, the growing crack reached my feet and I lost confidence in the ice and my burden. The further from the shore I got, the thinner and more uncertain the icy terrain became until I finally came to the end of myself and decided that I had to face the crevasse that separated me from the shore head on...of course, I couldn't take my burden with me on my return trek ...the weight of it would surely break the ice...so I let go of it and left it in the center of the lake...I didn't carefully watch my step, I ran with speed to the shore and reached for His hand.
Monday, December 28, 2009
i think in word pictures
This whole time, I felt like I was on an icy lake...I was carrying a very large burden and I was scared that the extra weight would break the ice...At first, I stayed close to the shore because I knew that at any moment I could jump off to safety...there was also a Man on the shore that I knew would reach out His hand if the ice started to crack...In fact, the ice DID crack and instead of reaching my hand out for His, I ran away from crack further towards the center of the frozen lake, holding on to my burden as though it could be a life preserver with an impossible delusion that I could out run the crack...Before long, the growing crack reached my feet and I lost confidence in the ice and my burden. The further from the shore I got, the thinner and more uncertain the icy terrain became until I finally came to the end of myself and decided that I had to face the crevasse that separated me from the shore head on...of course, I couldn't take my burden with me on my return trek ...the weight of it would surely break the ice...so I let go of it and left it in the center of the lake...I didn't carefully watch my step, I ran with speed to the shore and reached for His hand.
Saturday, December 26, 2009
a long quote from a favorite
"When the brilliant ethicist John Kavanaugh went to work for three months at "the house of the dying" in Calcutta, he was seeking a clear answer as to how best to spend the rest of his life. On the first morning there he met Mother Teresa. she asked, "And what can I do for you?" Kavanaugh asked her to pray for him.
"What do you want me to pray for?" she asked. He voiced the request that he had borne thousands of miles from the United States: "Pray that I have clarity."
She said firmly, "No, I will not do that." When he asked her why, she said, "Clarity is the last thing you are clinging to and must let go of." When Kavanaugh commented that she always seemed to have the clarity he longed for, she laughed and said, "I have never had clarity; what I have always had is trust. So I will pray that you trust God."
"We ourselves have known and put our trust in God's love toward ourselves." (John 4:16)
Craving clarity, we attempt to eliminate the risk of trusting God. Fear of the unknown path stretching ahead of us destroys childlike trust in the Father's active goodness and unrestricted love.
.......
Uncompromising trust in the love of God inspires us to thank God for the spiritual darkness that envelops us, for the loss of income, for the nagging arthritis that is so painful, and to pray from the heart, "Abba, into your hands I entrust my body, mind and spirit and this entire day- morning, afternoon, evening, and night. Whatever you want of me, I want of me, falling into you and trusting in you in the midst of my life. Into your heart I entrust my heart, feeble, distracted, insecure, uncertain. Abba, unto you I abandon myself in Jesus our Lord. Amen."
"What do you want me to pray for?" she asked. He voiced the request that he had borne thousands of miles from the United States: "Pray that I have clarity."
She said firmly, "No, I will not do that." When he asked her why, she said, "Clarity is the last thing you are clinging to and must let go of." When Kavanaugh commented that she always seemed to have the clarity he longed for, she laughed and said, "I have never had clarity; what I have always had is trust. So I will pray that you trust God."
"We ourselves have known and put our trust in God's love toward ourselves." (John 4:16)
Craving clarity, we attempt to eliminate the risk of trusting God. Fear of the unknown path stretching ahead of us destroys childlike trust in the Father's active goodness and unrestricted love.
.......
Uncompromising trust in the love of God inspires us to thank God for the spiritual darkness that envelops us, for the loss of income, for the nagging arthritis that is so painful, and to pray from the heart, "Abba, into your hands I entrust my body, mind and spirit and this entire day- morning, afternoon, evening, and night. Whatever you want of me, I want of me, falling into you and trusting in you in the midst of my life. Into your heart I entrust my heart, feeble, distracted, insecure, uncertain. Abba, unto you I abandon myself in Jesus our Lord. Amen."
Tuesday, December 15, 2009
desert vs dessert
when i was a kid, i learned a lot of fun ways to remember how to spell things...for instance, NECESSARY is Norman Eats Candy, Eggs, Sardine Sandwiches and Raw Yolks (gross)....SEPARATE- you always want to be sepArate from A RAT (get it?)....
a lot of spelling i learned from cheerleading too...i will never forget how to spell PSYCHED, AGGRESSIVE, or SUCCESS...ever!
the way i remember the difference between desert and dessert is the secret found in the s's...
the one with two s's is the one you usually want MORE of....DESSERT...yummy, chocolate, delicious.....frosting....mmMMMmmm....(ok, fatty, get back to your post...)
anyways, i thought today about how that's how we are in life....we are always looking more for DeSSert...the good and usually temporary things in life....not realizing that sometimes the dry, DeSert parts of our life are equally, if not MORE, important because they produce things that are lasting!!
if you are going through a deSert time, remember... "tested faith produces endurance, maturity and God's rich reward". (also, check out this song)
.....and God's RICH reward will be better than chocolate!
Monday, December 14, 2009
Monday, December 7, 2009
the importance of patience
"practice patience"
"patience is a virtue"
this post is a sequel to my last post...i had to continue my thoughts about waiting because post-blogging i realized that there was a necessary element of waiting that i forgot to touch on:
patience
i hate that word...patience does not come easily to me...you can wait pretty easily because...well, there really isn't any other choice other than waiting...there's usually no control over whether to wait or not to wait....but to choose to wait patiently?...that's the part we have control over and that's the tricky part!
i realize that in the process of waiting, i have the opportunity to practice patience....but it's also exercising my ability to keep faith. last night MW said, "waiting is the lost art of faith"...and i couldn't agree more!
without patience, waiting is just an anxious-driven, neurotic checking of the calendar.....a stale attempt at faith.
waiting without patience is faith without virtue....therefore, not really faith at all.
Friday, December 4, 2009
the importance of waiting...
do you know that if you were to live for 65 years, you would spend a little more than half of that time waiting?!
it's no wonder i feel like i've been waiting for most of my life! maybe i'm getting all my waiting checked off the list before i get to mid-life.....my retirement years are gonna be awesome! i will get to the front of the line every time.....only green lights for me!....i will get what i want instantaneously!....
do you know that on average, we spend 8 hours of our lives just waiting at red lights??
we spend an average of 3 years just standing in line!!!!
how do you think life would change if we had instant gratification of every whimsical desire we had?? do you think we would be grateful as much for the fulfillment?? i doubt it...
there are so many things we wait for....
professional opportunities
prayers to be answered
soldiers to come home
babies to arrive
sickness to depart
bodies to be healed
homes to be sold
friday to come
good news to share
we basically have to wait for everything....and even though sometimes, it's really hard...doesn't the waiting make it more incredible?? once whatever you're waiting for happens, doesn't it make you so grateful because you desired it so much more?? while you're waiting, you can't imagine wanting anything more........and then, all of a sudden, you have it!!
is the wait worth it??!?!
i think so....i know so....
"when i think the best is yet to come, i smile"....and i wait for it.
Thursday, December 3, 2009
lingo
welcome to my world....(that statement does not contradict my last post...it's just a saying...)
my DH and i began TTC 15AF's ago...the OB has a few pointers when starting out....stop taking BCP, start taking FA, track your BBT and CM, time your LO and then hopefully you will get a BFP when you POAS...unfortunately, for the last 15AF's, DH and I have only seen BFN. My OB referred me to an RE for IF. We are stocked up on OTC HPT's and EPT's and OPK's. The roller coaster starts over on CD1 when the RE orders BW to get my P4 checked...numerous U/S monitor the FP and the effects of FSH...(not to mention 2 uncomfortable HSG)...then to endure the dreadful 2ww. Thank goodness we don't have any other Dx...just AO...It could be worse. We could have multiple MF such as LSP...or i could have PCOS. We still have some options such as IUI, IVF and ICSI. Hopefully, the 15th COW since TTC will be lucky one! We would have an EDD and even be able to hear the FHR.
BTW, i understand that most of you won't understand this post...lucky you! OTOH, for all my FF who do understand this and can read it like a second language, FTTA...hope you get your BFP!!!
my DH and i began TTC 15AF's ago...the OB has a few pointers when starting out....stop taking BCP, start taking FA, track your BBT and CM, time your LO and then hopefully you will get a BFP when you POAS...unfortunately, for the last 15AF's, DH and I have only seen BFN. My OB referred me to an RE for IF. We are stocked up on OTC HPT's and EPT's and OPK's. The roller coaster starts over on CD1 when the RE orders BW to get my P4 checked...numerous U/S monitor the FP and the effects of FSH...(not to mention 2 uncomfortable HSG)...then to endure the dreadful 2ww. Thank goodness we don't have any other Dx...just AO...It could be worse. We could have multiple MF such as LSP...or i could have PCOS. We still have some options such as IUI, IVF and ICSI. Hopefully, the 15th COW since TTC will be lucky one! We would have an EDD and even be able to hear the FHR.
BTW, i understand that most of you won't understand this post...lucky you! OTOH, for all my FF who do understand this and can read it like a second language, FTTA...hope you get your BFP!!!
HIS world
How often do we act like as though we are, in some way, "inviting" God into OUR world??
we "make time" for God...
we "give Him credit" for creation...
we "include Him" in special events...
we "keep Him number one" in our lives....
The grandest invitation we've ever received is the one postmarked thousands of years ago when God chose to invite US into HIS world!
HE made time for US.
HE gave Himself credit when He said "it is good"...He doesn't need our stamp of approval.
HE made US for HIS pleasure...not our own.
HE is already part of every event...special or ordinary.
HE is ALREADY number one...He is the first and last...EVERYTHING starts and ends with HIM.
How thankful I am, that HE has invited us to partake of HIS world...may we not get so wrapped up in it that we lose sight of how spectacular that really is.
Friday, November 27, 2009
a day late...
...but i'm still thankful...
yesterday morning, nate and i had the opportunity to volunteer at the local rescue mission with some friends. one thing i overheard from one of the volunteers in reference to a mis-shapen piece of pie was, "beggars can't be choosers". when we got in the car, i started to tell nate, "Things you shouldn't say at a rescue mission..." and he finished my sentence by saying, "beggars can't be choosers"...so apparently this guy said it several times during our short two hour shift.
..."Beggars can't be choosers"...
hmm, that really bugged me. i realize that we are ALL one bad decision or one unfortunate turn of events away from also being "beggars".....i wonder if i could accept such a gift knowing the giver had the mentality, "beggars can't be choosers".
i was reminded of the passage in 2 Samuel 9 (read full chapter here), the story of Mephibosheth. David was annointed king and remembered and respected his friend, Jonathan. He asked, "Is there anyone still living from the family of Saul (Jonathan's father) that I can show kindness to?" A servant of his told him of Mephibosheth and he was invited to meet with David, the king. The story of Mephibosheth is a sad one....he was five years old when his nurse fell while holding him and he became crippled in both legs (2 Samuel 4:4)
when Mephibosheth met with David, he was rewarded with everything he would of had if his own father was king...he was just like one of David's very own sons. the verse that sticks out the most for me is, "What is your servant, that you should show regard for a dead dog such as i?"
he considered himself "a dead dog"...utterly humbled by the fact that he was offered an incredible new life of royalty....
just like Mephibosheth, there is a place for me at the King's table...i'm accepted with all my ailments and insecurities....i'm a a beggar, crippled by sin, but awarded a life as a child of The King...i'm a princess....
i'm thankful for my seat at His table...
i'm thankful that although "beggars can't be choosers", beggars can be CHOSEN!
yesterday morning, nate and i had the opportunity to volunteer at the local rescue mission with some friends. one thing i overheard from one of the volunteers in reference to a mis-shapen piece of pie was, "beggars can't be choosers". when we got in the car, i started to tell nate, "Things you shouldn't say at a rescue mission..." and he finished my sentence by saying, "beggars can't be choosers"...so apparently this guy said it several times during our short two hour shift.
..."Beggars can't be choosers"...
hmm, that really bugged me. i realize that we are ALL one bad decision or one unfortunate turn of events away from also being "beggars".....i wonder if i could accept such a gift knowing the giver had the mentality, "beggars can't be choosers".
i was reminded of the passage in 2 Samuel 9 (read full chapter here), the story of Mephibosheth. David was annointed king and remembered and respected his friend, Jonathan. He asked, "Is there anyone still living from the family of Saul (Jonathan's father) that I can show kindness to?" A servant of his told him of Mephibosheth and he was invited to meet with David, the king. The story of Mephibosheth is a sad one....he was five years old when his nurse fell while holding him and he became crippled in both legs (2 Samuel 4:4)
when Mephibosheth met with David, he was rewarded with everything he would of had if his own father was king...he was just like one of David's very own sons. the verse that sticks out the most for me is, "What is your servant, that you should show regard for a dead dog such as i?"
he considered himself "a dead dog"...utterly humbled by the fact that he was offered an incredible new life of royalty....
just like Mephibosheth, there is a place for me at the King's table...i'm accepted with all my ailments and insecurities....i'm a a beggar, crippled by sin, but awarded a life as a child of The King...i'm a princess....
i'm thankful for my seat at His table...
i'm thankful that although "beggars can't be choosers", beggars can be CHOSEN!
Monday, November 23, 2009
more of Him...less of "you know who"
you know what? even if you think you are doing something that looks like God's Will, sounds like a God-thing, feels like it's from God.....doesn't mean that it wasn't completely calculated by my own will....i was thinking about how much i want to "do" stuff...i really want God to use me and all the things that have happened in my life...but what about the details? - i think i make them up all on my own...i never have a sense of settled determination...i find myself waiting, never putting my ideas into action.
two things come to mind:
1. what am i waiting for?
and...
2. maybe this isn't what God wants
if i was SURE of God's plan, would i be twiddling my thumbs in delay.....and if it's NOT what God wants then i need to know what He does want so i can be there...appropriately placed and available.
sometimes, i feel i interfere with the real plan that God has for me...i just need to get out of my own way...
Tuesday, November 17, 2009
overwhelmed
it's late tonight as i type...nate is working tonight and i bought a ton of new music and i can't seem to turn it off...i think i'm gonna listen to all 6 cd's before finally greeting my pillow...
anyways, as i sit here watching the news, listening to my spirit-encouraging music, not really enjoying the solitude, but at least relaxing on the couch...i can't help but think about life.
life--i don't know...it's kind of a funny thing when you think about it. i mean, we are here. we were created. we have ups...we have downs...both are inevitable. think about your life...all the people that have come in and out of it...all the things you've been through that you didn't think you could handle...all the things that have happened that seemed too good to be true.
i'm overwhelmed by God's goodness.
i'm overwhelmed by His grace.
i can't help myself tonight......i'm overwhelmed...and for once, in a really long time, it's not a bad thing...
anyways, as i sit here watching the news, listening to my spirit-encouraging music, not really enjoying the solitude, but at least relaxing on the couch...i can't help but think about life.
life--i don't know...it's kind of a funny thing when you think about it. i mean, we are here. we were created. we have ups...we have downs...both are inevitable. think about your life...all the people that have come in and out of it...all the things you've been through that you didn't think you could handle...all the things that have happened that seemed too good to be true.
i'm overwhelmed by God's goodness.
i'm overwhelmed by His love.
i'm overwhelmed by His mercy.
i'm overwhelmed by His grace.
i'm overwhelmed by the awesomeness of His plan.
i'm overwhelmed by HIM!
i can't help myself tonight......i'm overwhelmed...and for once, in a really long time, it's not a bad thing...
Thursday, October 29, 2009
thoughts re: warts
I wait so long to blog that i never really get to do a "fun" post...I'm always doing a boring "update"...err...if only my life was more interesting :)
so, lately, I've been busy, busy...good things...
busy with dr appts (see previous posts because I'm not going "there" today)
busy with church projects (so happy that I can be used in any capacity that encourages others)
busy with event planning course (still on unit c, but I'm loving it)
busy with event planning business ideas (more on this in the future)
sometimes being busy is good...in fact, I LOVE being busy! but often times, when you are busy, it involves lots of decision making...some very serious, life-changing even...some not-so-serious. regardless of the severity of the decision, I feel like for me it's easy to become quite anxious.
I REALLY liked this video from Andy Stanley!
wow, right? good points to consider and to practice. i'm definitely a "worry wart" (ewww...gross...who thought of that saying?!?!)
here's another great quote i found on my friend's facebook status :)
"In this crazy world, there's an enormous distinction between good times and bad, between sorrow and joy. But in the eyes of God, they're never separated. Where there is pain, there is healing. Where there is mourning, there is dancing. Where there is poverty, there is the Kingdom." - Henri Nouwen
I feel like this quote goes along perfectly with the A.Stanley video...our society worries a lot about H1N1 (i'm among them, for sure...being a germaphobe doesn't help), war, the economy, being laid off, financial security, homeland security..... the possiblity of becoming a wart is pretty high!
I think it's easy to sit back and say, "What is God thinking?"...especially, knowing that He has full power to change it all. How amazing to know that He knows our secret (and even not-so secret) fears and doubts!
Now, maybe you're wondering what "good" it does for God to know our fears and doubts if you don't see Him doing anything "good" with them...hmmm...
I don't have any pat answers for any of this...I only know what the Bible says and what I feel I know is true in my heart. I've had many reasons to ask God such things. I know that what is seen is temporary and what is unseen is eternally lasting...maybe, there are more things happening that are "unseen" than we could possibly know. I know that God allows things to happen for our good, our benefit, our growth and our character. I know that God loves me...and he loves you too! I know that God's word is MORE than enough...and I know that God's word tells us that God doesn't want us to live in fear, worry or doubt. I know that God made us in His image...and from even from the scientific point of view, our human bodies are amazing and full of wonder!
How can we wonder why God allows bad things to happen, but we never question where the good comes from? Or how can we give God credit for the good, but then wonder what's He thinking or discredit His power when it comes to the "bad"?
I think if we realize that "every good and perfect thing comes from above", we could be grateful to the God that gives us the good AND the bad. If we could acknowledge that God works mysteriously even using methods that seem unfair, we could be grateful...yup, even for the "bad"...because we would know that somehow, in ways I don't always understand...it's really for our good. I think if we realized that God was already in control of everything and we REALLY understood His sovereignty, we would feel ridiculous worrying about things....even things as serious as our health, our children and war. I think that when we say "God is in control", we think we are giving Him control...not true, He IS...ALWAYS has been...ALWAYS will be...in control...We have to admit that otherwise we could mislead ourselves into thinking that we have some power...and as long as we feel we can control things, i don't think we could stop worrying...we would have no peace. Even if we refuse to acknowledge that He is in control, doesn't change the fact that He is, in fact, still completely in control.....even over people that do not believe in Him.
so, this is my random chatter for the day...sorry if my thought are out of order...i'm at work! :)
so, lately, I've been busy, busy...good things...
busy with dr appts (see previous posts because I'm not going "there" today)
busy with church projects (so happy that I can be used in any capacity that encourages others)
busy with event planning course (still on unit c, but I'm loving it)
busy with event planning business ideas (more on this in the future)
sometimes being busy is good...in fact, I LOVE being busy! but often times, when you are busy, it involves lots of decision making...some very serious, life-changing even...some not-so-serious. regardless of the severity of the decision, I feel like for me it's easy to become quite anxious.
I REALLY liked this video from Andy Stanley!
wow, right? good points to consider and to practice. i'm definitely a "worry wart" (ewww...gross...who thought of that saying?!?!)
here's another great quote i found on my friend's facebook status :)
"In this crazy world, there's an enormous distinction between good times and bad, between sorrow and joy. But in the eyes of God, they're never separated. Where there is pain, there is healing. Where there is mourning, there is dancing. Where there is poverty, there is the Kingdom." - Henri Nouwen
I feel like this quote goes along perfectly with the A.Stanley video...our society worries a lot about H1N1 (i'm among them, for sure...being a germaphobe doesn't help), war, the economy, being laid off, financial security, homeland security..... the possiblity of becoming a wart is pretty high!
I think it's easy to sit back and say, "What is God thinking?"...especially, knowing that He has full power to change it all. How amazing to know that He knows our secret (and even not-so secret) fears and doubts!
Now, maybe you're wondering what "good" it does for God to know our fears and doubts if you don't see Him doing anything "good" with them...hmmm...
I don't have any pat answers for any of this...I only know what the Bible says and what I feel I know is true in my heart. I've had many reasons to ask God such things. I know that what is seen is temporary and what is unseen is eternally lasting...maybe, there are more things happening that are "unseen" than we could possibly know. I know that God allows things to happen for our good, our benefit, our growth and our character. I know that God loves me...and he loves you too! I know that God's word is MORE than enough...and I know that God's word tells us that God doesn't want us to live in fear, worry or doubt. I know that God made us in His image...and from even from the scientific point of view, our human bodies are amazing and full of wonder!
How can we wonder why God allows bad things to happen, but we never question where the good comes from? Or how can we give God credit for the good, but then wonder what's He thinking or discredit His power when it comes to the "bad"?
I think if we realize that "every good and perfect thing comes from above", we could be grateful to the God that gives us the good AND the bad. If we could acknowledge that God works mysteriously even using methods that seem unfair, we could be grateful...yup, even for the "bad"...because we would know that somehow, in ways I don't always understand...it's really for our good. I think if we realized that God was already in control of everything and we REALLY understood His sovereignty, we would feel ridiculous worrying about things....even things as serious as our health, our children and war. I think that when we say "God is in control", we think we are giving Him control...not true, He IS...ALWAYS has been...ALWAYS will be...in control...We have to admit that otherwise we could mislead ourselves into thinking that we have some power...and as long as we feel we can control things, i don't think we could stop worrying...we would have no peace. Even if we refuse to acknowledge that He is in control, doesn't change the fact that He is, in fact, still completely in control.....even over people that do not believe in Him.
so, this is my random chatter for the day...sorry if my thought are out of order...i'm at work! :)
Tuesday, September 8, 2009
not just words...
Sometimes, to my dismay, I read way too much into things...I've often been charged with this accusation...I'm a fault finder and sometimes it's hard to turn off, but today I read something into words that I think were correct to assume.
My husband wrote in a text, "I'll be there."
I smiled, knowing that he's dependable, loving, present, on my team, my best friend and everything I could ever ask for.
I know that they weren't just words.....they were a promise.
love him!!
My husband wrote in a text, "I'll be there."
I smiled, knowing that he's dependable, loving, present, on my team, my best friend and everything I could ever ask for.
I know that they weren't just words.....they were a promise.
love him!!
Saturday, September 5, 2009
pending
Growing Our Family: pending
Class Certification: pending
Hospital Claims: pending
Home Improvements: pending
Loss of Sanity: pending
What do you do when everything in your life seems to be in pending status?
Watch this video as a reminder of the best thing to do...NOTHING...just BE STILL and KNOW that HE is GOD!!!
Class Certification: pending
Hospital Claims: pending
Home Improvements: pending
Loss of Sanity: pending
What do you do when everything in your life seems to be in pending status?
Watch this video as a reminder of the best thing to do...NOTHING...just BE STILL and KNOW that HE is GOD!!!
Wednesday, September 2, 2009
makeover
Do you ever feel like just changing everything about yourself? Well, I know there's some things that I just can't change, but there's others that I can change!
Tonight I decided to go into the back room, unbarricade1 the treadmill, remove the remaining debris off the top of it and actually plug it in...Did I exercise on it? You bet I did! I WALKED a half a mile uphill...and then died2.
I don't feel better about myself; after all, my effort only proved how disturbingly out of shape I am.
I kept putting off exercising because...well, to be honest, I planned on getting fat...but the good kind of fat...the pregnancy kind of fat...and month after month, I just got more of the not good kind of fat....the nutty bar, late-night sundaes, KFC chicken pot pie, Boston Creme Donuts, fast food for lunch every day kind of fat...
Right now, I'm sitting on my couch in full exercise gear but unfortunately my gut is hanging out and I'm dreaming of coffee oreo ice cream...is that too much information? Hey, you know what? It's your decision to keep reading...
Part of my makeover is starting and completing the event planning course. Today, I started Unit A and finished my first assignment...after about 20 more pages of reading, I can finish my second assignment. I'm gonna get it done before the night is over...Well, maybe when "The Bucket List" is over. :)
What else am I putting on my list? Well, I plan on putting a facial mask on to take care of some of the...um...blemishes...ok, zits that I have on my face and I'm gonna paint my nails....
Short term goals: Finish another assignment, facial, nails
Tomorrow, I will look brand new!
Long term goals: exercise and eat healthier, take care of myself, become a certified event planner
In the future, I will be a successful event planner and people will look at me and say, "Hey, she is so put together! How does she do it?"
...haha...I'm such a dork!
and on that note.....did you notice my footnotes3?
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
1 "unbarricade" is not really a word so I wouldn't advise using it in any formal settings
2 don't want to be misleading, I'm still alive :)
3 did my footnotes help or hurt the aforementioned dork factor?
Tonight I decided to go into the back room, unbarricade1 the treadmill, remove the remaining debris off the top of it and actually plug it in...Did I exercise on it? You bet I did! I WALKED a half a mile uphill...and then died2.
I don't feel better about myself; after all, my effort only proved how disturbingly out of shape I am.
I kept putting off exercising because...well, to be honest, I planned on getting fat...but the good kind of fat...the pregnancy kind of fat...and month after month, I just got more of the not good kind of fat....the nutty bar, late-night sundaes, KFC chicken pot pie, Boston Creme Donuts, fast food for lunch every day kind of fat...
Right now, I'm sitting on my couch in full exercise gear but unfortunately my gut is hanging out and I'm dreaming of coffee oreo ice cream...is that too much information? Hey, you know what? It's your decision to keep reading...
Part of my makeover is starting and completing the event planning course. Today, I started Unit A and finished my first assignment...after about 20 more pages of reading, I can finish my second assignment. I'm gonna get it done before the night is over...Well, maybe when "The Bucket List" is over. :)
What else am I putting on my list? Well, I plan on putting a facial mask on to take care of some of the...um...blemishes...ok, zits that I have on my face and I'm gonna paint my nails....
Short term goals: Finish another assignment, facial, nails
Tomorrow, I will look brand new!
Long term goals: exercise and eat healthier, take care of myself, become a certified event planner
In the future, I will be a successful event planner and people will look at me and say, "Hey, she is so put together! How does she do it?"
...haha...I'm such a dork!
and on that note.....did you notice my footnotes3?
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
1 "unbarricade" is not really a word so I wouldn't advise using it in any formal settings
2 don't want to be misleading, I'm still alive :)
3 did my footnotes help or hurt the aforementioned dork factor?
Tuesday, September 1, 2009
finally!
I've been trying to figure out how to do this, I mean that....errr...I mean THIS all week...
I figured it outall by myself with a ton of help from the internet.
Thank you internet!
I figured it out
Thank you internet!
Monday, August 31, 2009
updates, let downs, pick me ups...and all the other directions
So...I figure now is as good a time as any to update BlogWorld on all my "plans" etc...
Some of you already know, but I've been working on a kinda non-profit idea for a while called "No Life Too Small"...see the blog here... you can get the main idea from the NLTS blog, but let me add a little more personal sidenote: I can't wait for this thing to take off and get officially started! I know that it will be such a blessing to me and I can only hope that it will be a blessing to those who are recipients of our efforts! So, I have a TON of flannel fabric in my house...like, bolts and bolts of flannel fabric!! It needs to be cut, washed and sewn into blankets that measure 18"x18" (a little big for a premie, but just the right size for premie OR full size baby :) Planning a sewing party soon so if you want to get involved and you can sew (only basic skills are necessary) let me know!! We need to make a lot of these little blankets in time to celebrate Zachary's birthday on October 26th....I can't believe it's already almost been two years! Did I mention that inside each blanket is a little handwritten prayer for the baby that receives the blanket?? That's my favorite part of it all!!!! So, check out the blog and email me if you want to help us sew!
Also, I've been looking for some "direction" in my life as far as careers blah, blah, blah.... Looked into going back to school and found out I was still a freshman (which was pretty sad if you ask me)... After some deliberation, I made the decision to pursue Wedding & Event Planning!! I'm pretty excited about it...although, also a little scared considering there was a financial investment to take the certification course, but mostly excited!! Can't wait to be self-employed, creative, organized and a snazzy dresser.... Do I have a dream in my head of being like Jennifer Lopez in The Wedding Planner movie? Of course! I mean, she gets huge accounts, wears a fanny pack full of all the necessary equipment to make an event run seamlessly...and let's not forget the super awesome walkie talkie!!! My study books should be mailed out today and now it's an 8-10 business day wait....
Speaking of waiting...I'm getting awful good at it! We are still waiting for the news of Baby #2. Urgh! My dr in her medical wisdom thought it would be best to refer me to a specialist in the field so I'm currently in the overwhelming, anxiety inducing procedure of setting up additional tests and appointments. Have I ever mentioned that I hate doctors...and tests...and more importantly, examinations?!?! Not happy about not being able to see my dr and having to meet an entirely new person (why did I use the word "entirely" there? like I could meet a half of a person??...not changing it now) So, bottom line: I'm not excited at all about the extra "work" that is necessary, but will do anything to make it happen! Well, almost anything! Not looking for sextuplets....just one...or two....ok, and maybe three, but we'll see how it goes!
I keep trying to find lessons in my life and sometimes I feel like there is a TON, but really I come back to the same one and all the others are like mini-variations of the main lesson....GOD HAS A PLAN FOR ME! So, if the lessons of my life are set up in outline form, it would look like this :)
I. God Has A Plan For Me
A. Trust His Plan
B. Do Not Force My Plan
C. My Plans Are Tentative
D. Do Not Rush His Perfect Timing
E. His Plan and His Timing are Perfect
Get it? There's no Roman numeral II...it's just more and more of Roman numeral I.
I might not be super excited about this plan that He's concocted for me at this point, but I know that His plan is PERFECT and I need to rejoice in the fact that He's in control of my future...because of this, I have a HOPE that is unwavering...even when I feel sick to my stomach and can't breathe :)
Some of you already know, but I've been working on a kinda non-profit idea for a while called "No Life Too Small"...see the blog here... you can get the main idea from the NLTS blog, but let me add a little more personal sidenote: I can't wait for this thing to take off and get officially started! I know that it will be such a blessing to me and I can only hope that it will be a blessing to those who are recipients of our efforts! So, I have a TON of flannel fabric in my house...like, bolts and bolts of flannel fabric!! It needs to be cut, washed and sewn into blankets that measure 18"x18" (a little big for a premie, but just the right size for premie OR full size baby :) Planning a sewing party soon so if you want to get involved and you can sew (only basic skills are necessary) let me know!! We need to make a lot of these little blankets in time to celebrate Zachary's birthday on October 26th....I can't believe it's already almost been two years! Did I mention that inside each blanket is a little handwritten prayer for the baby that receives the blanket?? That's my favorite part of it all!!!! So, check out the blog and email me if you want to help us sew!
Also, I've been looking for some "direction" in my life as far as careers blah, blah, blah.... Looked into going back to school and found out I was still a freshman (which was pretty sad if you ask me)... After some deliberation, I made the decision to pursue Wedding & Event Planning!! I'm pretty excited about it...although, also a little scared considering there was a financial investment to take the certification course, but mostly excited!! Can't wait to be self-employed, creative, organized and a snazzy dresser.... Do I have a dream in my head of being like Jennifer Lopez in The Wedding Planner movie? Of course! I mean, she gets huge accounts, wears a fanny pack full of all the necessary equipment to make an event run seamlessly...and let's not forget the super awesome walkie talkie!!! My study books should be mailed out today and now it's an 8-10 business day wait....
Speaking of waiting...I'm getting awful good at it! We are still waiting for the news of Baby #2. Urgh! My dr in her medical wisdom thought it would be best to refer me to a specialist in the field so I'm currently in the overwhelming, anxiety inducing procedure of setting up additional tests and appointments. Have I ever mentioned that I hate doctors...and tests...and more importantly, examinations?!?! Not happy about not being able to see my dr and having to meet an entirely new person (why did I use the word "entirely" there? like I could meet a half of a person??...not changing it now) So, bottom line: I'm not excited at all about the extra "work" that is necessary, but will do anything to make it happen! Well, almost anything! Not looking for sextuplets....just one...or two....ok, and maybe three, but we'll see how it goes!
I keep trying to find lessons in my life and sometimes I feel like there is a TON, but really I come back to the same one and all the others are like mini-variations of the main lesson....GOD HAS A PLAN FOR ME! So, if the lessons of my life are set up in outline form, it would look like this :)
I. God Has A Plan For Me
A. Trust His Plan
B. Do Not Force My Plan
C. My Plans Are Tentative
D. Do Not Rush His Perfect Timing
E. His Plan and His Timing are Perfect
Get it? There's no Roman numeral II...it's just more and more of Roman numeral I.
I might not be super excited about this plan that He's concocted for me at this point, but I know that His plan is PERFECT and I need to rejoice in the fact that He's in control of my future...because of this, I have a HOPE that is unwavering...even when I feel sick to my stomach and can't breathe :)
Monday, July 20, 2009
neglected
Based on the title of this post, you might think I was going to write about the shameful condition my manicure is in...seriously, neglected...Acceptable if I was 11, but clearly...not acceptable as an "adult"...
You might also think, based on the title, that I'm going to write about this blog...I know, it's been a while since I posted...the whole color scheme looks so dreadful...planning on sprucing it up soon with some brighter colors...black is so not "me"...
The reason for my chipped polish and my simply boring blog layout is because of a project I've neglected to reveal to you....I've been busy working on it to unveil it to blogworld, but not yet....you'll just have to be patient ;)
You might also think, based on the title, that I'm going to write about this blog...I know, it's been a while since I posted...the whole color scheme looks so dreadful...planning on sprucing it up soon with some brighter colors...black is so not "me"...
The reason for my chipped polish and my simply boring blog layout is because of a project I've neglected to reveal to you....I've been busy working on it to unveil it to blogworld, but not yet....you'll just have to be patient ;)
Thursday, June 25, 2009
life and laughter
today...is...crazy.....
i hardly slept at all last night cuz i kept having bad dreams that i would be late to the courthouse...a lot of different scenarios plagued my dreams last night...i had to wake up at 6:15 in order to be there at 8am sharp...i left a half hour to make time for getting lost (i always schedule time for that since it happens so ridiculously often)
i was on my way and felt pretty good about the direction i was heading...everything seemed familiar UNTIL i went too far...then i started hitting a whole bunch of one way streets and i got nervous...so i called nate and he was no help...told me to call my mom....she told me that i abruptly woke her up and now i'm stressing her out...not to mention, my dad in the back ground...
anyways, i was so stressed! now. where to park? aha! an empty parking lot! i'll park here.
i go inside and stand in line to talk to the clerk...long line...she then tells me to sit in the court room
so there i was...mixed in with hardened criminals...some having spent time at the ACI....one that got arrested several times for firearms and disorderly conduct...one that had over 60 arrests since 1968...oh, the streets of providence!
then, there's me...a white girl with a GAP collared shirt and loafers....there to debate a $100 parking ticket i received by innocently parking too close to the sidewalk at work (i was in the parking lot, but just was pushed over too far onto the sidewalk.....i never even knew that was the sidewalk!)
i felt $100 was a really big punishment for something i did out of mere ignorance...not like i have a criminal mind...so, pleaded not-guilty with an explanation...
they called my name and took off my cuffs...(haha...did i catch you? no, of course i didn't have cuffs on, but some did) and here's how it went:
Judge: Nathaniel Wasson?
Me: Good Morning, Your Honor! My name is Jaclyn. I'm his wife, the one who actually got the ticket.
Judge: You pleaded not-guilty in a timely fashion...what is your explanation?
Me: WELL....I actually DID park on the sidewalk, but my explanation is that I didn't know that was even a sidewalk until after i got the ticket! I think $100 is a lot for something i didn't intentionally do.
Judge: $20
Me: Thank you, Your Honor
something to that effect....
i was elated to only have to pay $20!! i mean, of course it would have been better if it was completely dismissed, but i was already planning on spending around $25 for court fees...now i only have to pay $20!
YEEHAW! IT'S MY LUCKY DAY!!
i was walking back to my car in a pretty happy mood....everyone at the courthouse was pretty friendly and actually enjoyed my experience watching other people's victories...the defeats were also pretty funny!
i now refer to the parking lot where i parked my vehicle as "the scene of the crime".....MY CAR WAS MISSING!! i stood there....dumbfounded. seriously, did my car just get stolen? is this the right parking lot? and then, my answer...clear as stinkin' day!!! glancing over at the chainlink fence i saw what i should have seen earlier that morning...i would have seen it if i wasn't so flustered about running slightly late...a warning "Do Not Park. All Unauthorized Vehicles Will Be Towed At Owner's Expense"...there may have been 10 signs just like this one bordering the entire parking lot...makes me wonder how i could be so blind.
so there i was....white girl with a GAP collared shirt and loafers abandoned in what isn't really the safest city in the world...
i had to ruin my mom's day a little further by notifying her of my (eh, hem) predicament...and that she had to pick me up and bring me to the tow lot in south providence...
luckily, while waiting, i was able to laugh it off with the police officer posted for security....he helped me with getting in touch with the tow company etc...i was pacing outside and he told me i was making him nervous so i should come inside and sit down at the tables and relax. i said, "actually, i was just thinking that i'll probably get a ticket for loiterring so...yeah, i'll come in"
the tow lot was nothing but intimidatingly filthy...seriously, felt like i could have been in danger if my mom wasn't present...luckily, we made it out...alive...and i don't think we got infected with any strange disease or anything.
i can't help but wonder...why didn't i just pay the ticket?
this is one of those days that people would say, "someday you will look back at today and think it was funny"...truth is, i'm already laughing...this isn't the worst day i've ever had...and i will have many more "bad" days....take it in stride...and laugh along the way!
p.s. thanks, mom, for my rescue!
i hardly slept at all last night cuz i kept having bad dreams that i would be late to the courthouse...a lot of different scenarios plagued my dreams last night...i had to wake up at 6:15 in order to be there at 8am sharp...i left a half hour to make time for getting lost (i always schedule time for that since it happens so ridiculously often)
i was on my way and felt pretty good about the direction i was heading...everything seemed familiar UNTIL i went too far...then i started hitting a whole bunch of one way streets and i got nervous...so i called nate and he was no help...told me to call my mom....she told me that i abruptly woke her up and now i'm stressing her out...not to mention, my dad in the back ground...
anyways, i was so stressed! now. where to park? aha! an empty parking lot! i'll park here.
i go inside and stand in line to talk to the clerk...long line...she then tells me to sit in the court room
so there i was...mixed in with hardened criminals...some having spent time at the ACI....one that got arrested several times for firearms and disorderly conduct...one that had over 60 arrests since 1968...oh, the streets of providence!
then, there's me...a white girl with a GAP collared shirt and loafers....there to debate a $100 parking ticket i received by innocently parking too close to the sidewalk at work (i was in the parking lot, but just was pushed over too far onto the sidewalk.....i never even knew that was the sidewalk!)
i felt $100 was a really big punishment for something i did out of mere ignorance...not like i have a criminal mind...so, pleaded not-guilty with an explanation...
they called my name and took off my cuffs...(haha...did i catch you? no, of course i didn't have cuffs on, but some did) and here's how it went:
Judge: Nathaniel Wasson?
Me: Good Morning, Your Honor! My name is Jaclyn. I'm his wife, the one who actually got the ticket.
Judge: You pleaded not-guilty in a timely fashion...what is your explanation?
Me: WELL....I actually DID park on the sidewalk, but my explanation is that I didn't know that was even a sidewalk until after i got the ticket! I think $100 is a lot for something i didn't intentionally do.
Judge: $20
Me: Thank you, Your Honor
something to that effect....
i was elated to only have to pay $20!! i mean, of course it would have been better if it was completely dismissed, but i was already planning on spending around $25 for court fees...now i only have to pay $20!
YEEHAW! IT'S MY LUCKY DAY!!
i was walking back to my car in a pretty happy mood....everyone at the courthouse was pretty friendly and actually enjoyed my experience watching other people's victories...the defeats were also pretty funny!
i now refer to the parking lot where i parked my vehicle as "the scene of the crime".....MY CAR WAS MISSING!! i stood there....dumbfounded. seriously, did my car just get stolen? is this the right parking lot? and then, my answer...clear as stinkin' day!!! glancing over at the chainlink fence i saw what i should have seen earlier that morning...i would have seen it if i wasn't so flustered about running slightly late...a warning "Do Not Park. All Unauthorized Vehicles Will Be Towed At Owner's Expense"...there may have been 10 signs just like this one bordering the entire parking lot...makes me wonder how i could be so blind.
so there i was....white girl with a GAP collared shirt and loafers abandoned in what isn't really the safest city in the world...
i had to ruin my mom's day a little further by notifying her of my (eh, hem) predicament...and that she had to pick me up and bring me to the tow lot in south providence...
luckily, while waiting, i was able to laugh it off with the police officer posted for security....he helped me with getting in touch with the tow company etc...i was pacing outside and he told me i was making him nervous so i should come inside and sit down at the tables and relax. i said, "actually, i was just thinking that i'll probably get a ticket for loiterring so...yeah, i'll come in"
the tow lot was nothing but intimidatingly filthy...seriously, felt like i could have been in danger if my mom wasn't present...luckily, we made it out...alive...and i don't think we got infected with any strange disease or anything.
i can't help but wonder...why didn't i just pay the ticket?
this is one of those days that people would say, "someday you will look back at today and think it was funny"...truth is, i'm already laughing...this isn't the worst day i've ever had...and i will have many more "bad" days....take it in stride...and laugh along the way!
p.s. thanks, mom, for my rescue!
Monday, June 15, 2009
it's a good thing
I felt kinda awkward after my last post....that was really all personal stuff that I don't really like anyone to know...but at the same time, I think it is important that people understand that Zachary is still very much a part of my life! Brokenness and vulnerability are a good thing sometimes!
Sheila Walsh (Woman of Faith) has said "Brokenness is a far greater bridge to people than a pretend wholeness ever is". Hopefully, that's what I did with my last post. Maybe my honesty became a bridge to you...and maybe you can relate to much of what I wrote...
My life experience have not made me bitter or question God's providence...If anything, they have made me rely more and more on my Provider on a daily basis than ever before. I wait for Him.
Sheila Walsh (Woman of Faith) has said "Brokenness is a far greater bridge to people than a pretend wholeness ever is". Hopefully, that's what I did with my last post. Maybe my honesty became a bridge to you...and maybe you can relate to much of what I wrote...
My life experience have not made me bitter or question God's providence...If anything, they have made me rely more and more on my Provider on a daily basis than ever before. I wait for Him.
Monday, June 1, 2009
brutal, but honest
If you've noticed, I go through patterns of posting...I will post a lot; and then, I will hardly post at all for weeks...I try really, really hard to only post positive things...A lot of times, what I "feel" is ugly...I know it's ugly because it "feels" ugly...and well, I don't want to wear it ugly on the outside...maybe that makes sense. During the times that I don't post, it's usually because I'm waiting for the victory. Sometimes, I feel though that I don't really give an honest picture of what it's like to go through something like losing your child...and sometimes I feel like I need to be vulnerable and honest...and maybe that's what you need to read...so here it goes...it's gonna be brutal...probably more brutal for me to "publicly" express these emotions than for you to read it...
Please know this....I NEVER look for sympathy...I don't want it...actually, that is the worst thing when people feel bad for you. I tell you this because I really feel pressed to...and maybe you could pray for me :)
Ok, honesty...here it goes....
I would have to be honest and say that I'm jealous.
I'm jealous of mom's that get to stay home and take care of their babies.
I'm jealous of play dates.
I would have to be honest and say that I'm angry....sometimes.
I'm angry that I lost innocence that I never expected to lose....bad things really do happen...
I'm angry that I can't walk through the baby clothes section for a reason.
I'm angry that I will never have a "normal" pregnancy without the constant fear of losing my child.
I'm angry that I resent my job because my only job was suppose to be taking care of my son...and then, I would be arranging play dates...
I would have to be honest and say that I'm still grieving...Maybe I always will be...Seriously though, it makes me sad when people are new to this thing called grief and they feel stuck there...I was stuck there once too...It does get easier to bare; but sometimes, it's still pretty intense. It's not only grieving the loss of my son, it's also grieving the loss of the life I knew for myself and the life I expected for our family.
I would have to be honest and say that it's frustrating to try for baby number two and for it to be so unsuccessful...it's getting to the point that I can't even imagine our family.
I would have to be honest and say that sometimes I feel really guilty....Guilty that I didn't make it to the Dr's earlier because I didn't want to leave work....Zach might still be here if I left.
I would have to be honest and say that sometimes I feel really sad....Sometimes, it's hard to not cry at my desk while I'm working...so I go through the day with a sore throat instead of just letting it loose. I'm sad that I relate too well to songs about loss and healing...but it's those songs that actually get me through those days.
I'm sad that my memory box is full of miniature blood pressure cuffs and preemie diapers, and not pictures of his first Red Sox game or mementos from his first road trip. I'm sad that my memories are more of the events surrounding his birth and death instead of memories of my time spent with him...
I would have to be honest and say that there is regret...I wish I had skin-to-skin time with him at least once...even if it was when we were saying "goodbye".
I would have to be honest and say that sometimes I get offended about the stupidest things...like, if someone announces they are pregnant (which happens practically every Sunday in our Sunday School Class) that someone would say "It must be in the water"....not like that person could ever know that I'm having a hard time making Baby #2 a reality...I wish it WAS in the water!!
I would have to be honest and say that sometimes I wonder if the delay of baby #2 is because God knows that I'm not able to handle what's coming next...
I would have to be honest and say that I fight the urge every day to cross my arms, scrunch up my face, stomp my feet and protest "It's not fair" like a spoiled two year old that didn't get what she wanted.
I would have to be honest and say that I cringe every time I hear someone say that they wish their pregnancy was over way too early....or when they jokingly say that they will give me their kids like they are all done with them....Seriously, this makes it seem like they are saying "I'm better off" and I'm not...
I also cringe(and I feel bad admitting this because these people really mean to be an encouragement) when people say "It won't happen again", or "You KNOW you will have more children"...I wonder what their knowledge is based on...What they think is fair? Because last time I checked, neither of us were in control and it's up to God to figure out His perfect will...I've learned there's no limit to what God will or will not do...and if He sees fit to take away all my children...or my ability to even have children...then that's what He's gonna do! Seriously, I know that God could make me She-Job of the Present Day (shout out to Tara!!) and take away EVERYTHING...that's what is scary...no guarantees on the road God will bring you to find His blessings...
I would have to be honest and say that I wish more people understood the depths of my feelings...Like, how when I find out month after month that I'm not pregnant again that it feels like I've lost Zachary over and over again....
So, that' about all I can spill out right now...in an attempt to keep things light and fluffy I want to also share a few more things....TRUTHS that get me through the day.
One verse I really like is, "All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be" Psalm 139:16 NIV...I use this verse a lot when I miss the days that I didn't get to spend with Zachary...There's no reason for me to feel guilt...God ORDAINED Zachary's days...and If He is the Author of Zach's days than I have to also admit that He is the Author of mine as well.
I've never really felt like "Why Me?"....I don't really know what I'm deserving of...it's not for me to decide...but if I start acting like a victim, the only Person I can hold responsible is God Himself...because I know that He is in control of ALL things...If I make myself a victim, then I also make Him the culprit....He is only guilty of loving me to the point of death on the cross and making my life so much better than I ever deserve because of that.
One thing I try to remember is that you cannot deny these things on your own....things like jealousy, guilt, anger....don't tire yourself out fighting against these things...don't accept them either...even when grieving, there is a desirable standard that God wants us to keep....Offer these things to God to be refurbished into something not so ugly....and when you put these things off, make sure you put something beautiful back on like contentment, love, peace...
Sometimes, it feels easier to be negative....but it's so much more rewarding to be positive.
Please know this....I NEVER look for sympathy...I don't want it...actually, that is the worst thing when people feel bad for you. I tell you this because I really feel pressed to...and maybe you could pray for me :)
Ok, honesty...here it goes....
I would have to be honest and say that I'm jealous.
I'm jealous of mom's that get to stay home and take care of their babies.
I'm jealous of play dates.
I would have to be honest and say that I'm angry....sometimes.
I'm angry that I lost innocence that I never expected to lose....bad things really do happen...
I'm angry that I can't walk through the baby clothes section for a reason.
I'm angry that I will never have a "normal" pregnancy without the constant fear of losing my child.
I'm angry that I resent my job because my only job was suppose to be taking care of my son...and then, I would be arranging play dates...
I would have to be honest and say that I'm still grieving...Maybe I always will be...Seriously though, it makes me sad when people are new to this thing called grief and they feel stuck there...I was stuck there once too...It does get easier to bare; but sometimes, it's still pretty intense. It's not only grieving the loss of my son, it's also grieving the loss of the life I knew for myself and the life I expected for our family.
I would have to be honest and say that it's frustrating to try for baby number two and for it to be so unsuccessful...it's getting to the point that I can't even imagine our family.
I would have to be honest and say that sometimes I feel really guilty....Guilty that I didn't make it to the Dr's earlier because I didn't want to leave work....Zach might still be here if I left.
I would have to be honest and say that sometimes I feel really sad....Sometimes, it's hard to not cry at my desk while I'm working...so I go through the day with a sore throat instead of just letting it loose. I'm sad that I relate too well to songs about loss and healing...but it's those songs that actually get me through those days.
I'm sad that my memory box is full of miniature blood pressure cuffs and preemie diapers, and not pictures of his first Red Sox game or mementos from his first road trip. I'm sad that my memories are more of the events surrounding his birth and death instead of memories of my time spent with him...
I would have to be honest and say that there is regret...I wish I had skin-to-skin time with him at least once...even if it was when we were saying "goodbye".
I would have to be honest and say that sometimes I get offended about the stupidest things...like, if someone announces they are pregnant (which happens practically every Sunday in our Sunday School Class) that someone would say "It must be in the water"....not like that person could ever know that I'm having a hard time making Baby #2 a reality...I wish it WAS in the water!!
I would have to be honest and say that sometimes I wonder if the delay of baby #2 is because God knows that I'm not able to handle what's coming next...
I would have to be honest and say that I fight the urge every day to cross my arms, scrunch up my face, stomp my feet and protest "It's not fair" like a spoiled two year old that didn't get what she wanted.
I would have to be honest and say that I cringe every time I hear someone say that they wish their pregnancy was over way too early....or when they jokingly say that they will give me their kids like they are all done with them....Seriously, this makes it seem like they are saying "I'm better off" and I'm not...
I also cringe(and I feel bad admitting this because these people really mean to be an encouragement) when people say "It won't happen again", or "You KNOW you will have more children"...I wonder what their knowledge is based on...What they think is fair? Because last time I checked, neither of us were in control and it's up to God to figure out His perfect will...I've learned there's no limit to what God will or will not do...and if He sees fit to take away all my children...or my ability to even have children...then that's what He's gonna do! Seriously, I know that God could make me She-Job of the Present Day (shout out to Tara!!) and take away EVERYTHING...that's what is scary...no guarantees on the road God will bring you to find His blessings...
I would have to be honest and say that I wish more people understood the depths of my feelings...Like, how when I find out month after month that I'm not pregnant again that it feels like I've lost Zachary over and over again....
So, that' about all I can spill out right now...in an attempt to keep things light and fluffy I want to also share a few more things....TRUTHS that get me through the day.
One verse I really like is, "All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be" Psalm 139:16 NIV...I use this verse a lot when I miss the days that I didn't get to spend with Zachary...There's no reason for me to feel guilt...God ORDAINED Zachary's days...and If He is the Author of Zach's days than I have to also admit that He is the Author of mine as well.
I've never really felt like "Why Me?"....I don't really know what I'm deserving of...it's not for me to decide...but if I start acting like a victim, the only Person I can hold responsible is God Himself...because I know that He is in control of ALL things...If I make myself a victim, then I also make Him the culprit....He is only guilty of loving me to the point of death on the cross and making my life so much better than I ever deserve because of that.
One thing I try to remember is that you cannot deny these things on your own....things like jealousy, guilt, anger....don't tire yourself out fighting against these things...don't accept them either...even when grieving, there is a desirable standard that God wants us to keep....Offer these things to God to be refurbished into something not so ugly....and when you put these things off, make sure you put something beautiful back on like contentment, love, peace...
Sometimes, it feels easier to be negative....but it's so much more rewarding to be positive.
Thursday, May 21, 2009
after the wound heals...
So, a reply to this post led to this post; and a reply to that post has led to this post...Following me? My MIL gave me permission to share part of an email that she wrote to me...you may want to read the previous blog posts first...
"A comment about healing wounds leaving a scar. When I was 12, I was burned very badly on my lower arms. They were a mess. And well, mother didn't take me to the doctor and they became much worse. To go on, my Grannie Fran came out from California to visit with us. She lovingly and with much patience cleaned my burns and "doctored" them every day for over six weeks. The wounds began to heal and at the time, there were awful scars. A firey red in color and then over the months, as she continued have me apply a cream, the scars were better. Not so ugly and they didn't hurt as much. Now, a life time later, there are still a few scars. But you know, when I notice them, I don't so much remember the pain I was in but the love that I received from my grandmother. So the scars are a reminder of that. Her love. And well, I'm glad I have the reminder."
What a beautiful picture and reminder of the loving care that Our Father offers to us when we feel wounded through life's trials!
Losing Zachary will always hurt to a degree...and yes, it's painful...but the wounds have healed...they have been cared for by the One who knows the pain too well. He has given the soul healing and restoration.
And now, when I see the scars, they are a reminder of that. His love. And well, I'm glad I have that reminder.
"A comment about healing wounds leaving a scar. When I was 12, I was burned very badly on my lower arms. They were a mess. And well, mother didn't take me to the doctor and they became much worse. To go on, my Grannie Fran came out from California to visit with us. She lovingly and with much patience cleaned my burns and "doctored" them every day for over six weeks. The wounds began to heal and at the time, there were awful scars. A firey red in color and then over the months, as she continued have me apply a cream, the scars were better. Not so ugly and they didn't hurt as much. Now, a life time later, there are still a few scars. But you know, when I notice them, I don't so much remember the pain I was in but the love that I received from my grandmother. So the scars are a reminder of that. Her love. And well, I'm glad I have the reminder."
What a beautiful picture and reminder of the loving care that Our Father offers to us when we feel wounded through life's trials!
Losing Zachary will always hurt to a degree...and yes, it's painful...but the wounds have healed...they have been cared for by the One who knows the pain too well. He has given the soul healing and restoration.
And now, when I see the scars, they are a reminder of that. His love. And well, I'm glad I have that reminder.
Sunday, May 10, 2009
proud
There are several times in everyone's life when they will feel a sense of pride...not the boastful kind of pride, but the loving kind of pride....
I don't know if I'm just feeling sentimental lately or what, but let me share some things that have made me feel proud...
First of all, I'm proud of my sister.... My sister has always had a strong personality...Not only in the sense that she has a high threshold for pain, but also in her initiative and independence....she also has some strong-willed characteristics :) Nothing she has ever done has made me more proud of her as watching her bring Jayden into the world... All of our moms deserve respect for that :) She gathered strength from the very depth of her love for her son... Seriously. The whole process of childbirth seems unnatural even though it's the most natural thing in the world... Anyways, back on subject... Not only that, but now I get to see her care for him and love him. What an honor to see my little sister grow up and start her own family.
Second of all, I'm proud of my whole family... We travel in a group. We linger. We get separation anxiety :) It takes us too long to say goodbye to each other...and even if you do say goodbye, it doesn't mean you are leaving because you can easily get sucked back into another conversation. We are each other's entourage....We are each other's posse... There are few familes that would sit in a waiting room for over 24 hrs....but mine would. There are few parents who would sacrifice anything to meet the needs of their children...but mine would. There are few who have a brother so kind and gentle but also ready to kick anyone's butt if they ever really hurt you....but mine would. I love my family; and I'm proud to be part of it.
Third, I'm proud of my son and all of the lessons I've learned because of him. I miss him a lot today, but I know that he's in Heaven busy being perfect and sportin' a pretty cool crown...
I don't know if I'm just feeling sentimental lately or what, but let me share some things that have made me feel proud...
First of all, I'm proud of my sister.... My sister has always had a strong personality...Not only in the sense that she has a high threshold for pain, but also in her initiative and independence....she also has some strong-willed characteristics :) Nothing she has ever done has made me more proud of her as watching her bring Jayden into the world... All of our moms deserve respect for that :) She gathered strength from the very depth of her love for her son... Seriously. The whole process of childbirth seems unnatural even though it's the most natural thing in the world... Anyways, back on subject... Not only that, but now I get to see her care for him and love him. What an honor to see my little sister grow up and start her own family.
Second of all, I'm proud of my whole family... We travel in a group. We linger. We get separation anxiety :) It takes us too long to say goodbye to each other...and even if you do say goodbye, it doesn't mean you are leaving because you can easily get sucked back into another conversation. We are each other's entourage....We are each other's posse... There are few familes that would sit in a waiting room for over 24 hrs....but mine would. There are few parents who would sacrifice anything to meet the needs of their children...but mine would. There are few who have a brother so kind and gentle but also ready to kick anyone's butt if they ever really hurt you....but mine would. I love my family; and I'm proud to be part of it.
Third, I'm proud of my son and all of the lessons I've learned because of him. I miss him a lot today, but I know that he's in Heaven busy being perfect and sportin' a pretty cool crown...
what a little model!
Here's a sneak peek of Jayden's first professional photo shoot...the rest will be coming soon...
Shout out to Shari who took these awesome pictures!! Head over to her website and check out her talent.... www.imagesbyshari.info
Saturday, May 9, 2009
delight
I've been thinking today about the verse in the bible that says, "Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart".....What do you think this verse means?
Right now, I'm waiting on God for a couple of BIG things that I don't really want to get into right now on the internet. I feel like I "delight in the Lord" and He knows the "desires of my heart" so what's the hold up? I can't help but wonder, "Why am I still waiting?"
It's times like this that I have to remember that God's perfect timing is far greater than mine...I actually prefer His timing above my own....But does God refrain from giving you what you want in order to "teach" you or "mold" you? I think so....
Also, I was talking to a friend about this....I was only slightly frustrated at the time and I asked "How much more does He want me to learn?!! I feel like I already learned a lot!"....Her reply was simple but struck a chord in me...."Maybe He's teaching someone else through you". I'm gonna have to be ok with that...once you surrender yourself to what God wants to use you for, you become His instrument to be used how He wants to, when He wants to...
So, while I'm waiting...what is God doing? I don't think He is up there twiddling His thumbs or sitting on His hands.....and I don't think He's holding out on me....I think He's preparing something great!! And I think when it is revealed, all of us will step back and say, "Wow, look at how AWESOME God is!"
So, while I'm waiting....What will I be doing? the song tells it all....
Right now, I'm waiting on God for a couple of BIG things that I don't really want to get into right now on the internet. I feel like I "delight in the Lord" and He knows the "desires of my heart" so what's the hold up? I can't help but wonder, "Why am I still waiting?"
It's times like this that I have to remember that God's perfect timing is far greater than mine...I actually prefer His timing above my own....But does God refrain from giving you what you want in order to "teach" you or "mold" you? I think so....
Also, I was talking to a friend about this....I was only slightly frustrated at the time and I asked "How much more does He want me to learn?!! I feel like I already learned a lot!"....Her reply was simple but struck a chord in me...."Maybe He's teaching someone else through you". I'm gonna have to be ok with that...once you surrender yourself to what God wants to use you for, you become His instrument to be used how He wants to, when He wants to...
So, while I'm waiting...what is God doing? I don't think He is up there twiddling His thumbs or sitting on His hands.....and I don't think He's holding out on me....I think He's preparing something great!! And I think when it is revealed, all of us will step back and say, "Wow, look at how AWESOME God is!"
So, while I'm waiting....What will I be doing? the song tells it all....
Thursday, May 7, 2009
jayden....duh, what else would i blog about?!
Tuesday, I signed the back of my paycheck and started writing "Jayden" instead of "Jaclyn"....guess you could figure what I'm thinking about....constantly...
Have you noticed the similarities between my name and his? Maybe he was subconsciously named after me!!?
If Jayden's name was spelled J-a-d-y-n it would look a lot more like my name because my "c" and "l" would fuse together and make a "d" :) We should look into getting it changed legally.
I told my Dad that Jayden was named after me and he replied, "His initials are J.C...he was named after Jesus"...haha
I'm not gonna clean my room until the next time I have a baby...everyone is cleaning Jill's house, organizing, buying groceries, bringing over dinner....this is the life...her house is now cleaner than mine and she has way more food...
Here's a list of things that I love about Jayden so far:
1. his nose
2. his chin
3. his lips
4. his eyes closed
5. his eyes open
6. his fuzzy head
7. his left ear
8. his right ear (they look diffferent)
9. his tongue
10. the way his mouth looks so clean
11. the way he yawns
12. his little neck
13. the way his chest inflates when he breathes
14. the way you can feel his breath on you when you are near his face
15. his back
16. his bum
17. his little diapers
18. his little clothes
19. the shape of his head
20. his new baby smell
21. his toes 1-10
22. his fingers 1-10
23. how he squirms while he sleeps
24. how he puckers his lips
25. how he makes Jill and Eric so happy
It's so easy to love him.
Have you noticed the similarities between my name and his? Maybe he was subconsciously named after me!!?
If Jayden's name was spelled J-a-d-y-n it would look a lot more like my name because my "c" and "l" would fuse together and make a "d" :) We should look into getting it changed legally.
I told my Dad that Jayden was named after me and he replied, "His initials are J.C...he was named after Jesus"...haha
I'm not gonna clean my room until the next time I have a baby...everyone is cleaning Jill's house, organizing, buying groceries, bringing over dinner....this is the life...her house is now cleaner than mine and she has way more food...
Here's a list of things that I love about Jayden so far:
1. his nose
2. his chin
3. his lips
4. his eyes closed
5. his eyes open
6. his fuzzy head
7. his left ear
8. his right ear (they look diffferent)
9. his tongue
10. the way his mouth looks so clean
11. the way he yawns
12. his little neck
13. the way his chest inflates when he breathes
14. the way you can feel his breath on you when you are near his face
15. his back
16. his bum
17. his little diapers
18. his little clothes
19. the shape of his head
20. his new baby smell
21. his toes 1-10
22. his fingers 1-10
23. how he squirms while he sleeps
24. how he puckers his lips
25. how he makes Jill and Eric so happy
It's so easy to love him.
Wednesday, May 6, 2009
Jayden week continues
This is a poem I wrote for my sister and read at her baby shower....Her bridal shower was a fairytale theme so there's a little bit of that in here to make it seem like the sequel....I also read a poem at her bridal shower...
Anyways, Here it is....
As young children, I think that most would agree
Our favorite place was reading stories up on Mommy's knee
We've heard of the beanstalk and the three little pigs,
Hansel and Gretel and the wolf, bad and big
But maybe someday, when baby is grown,
He'll ask you the story of how he became your own...
It all began way back when Mike and Cheryl said "I Do"
And let's not forget Gloria and Camille who shared their vows too
Relationships continued and love did abound
And several years later discoveries were found
Mike and Cheryl had Jill
Gloria and Camille had Eric
Little did they know, they started a love lyric.
Eric and Jill finally met. God's plan was clear.
Jill's Prince Charming was finally here!
They had a fairytale wedding-Jill looked like Cinderella!
(Even Eric kinda looked like a handsome young fella')
Often times in a book, the story ends there
But "Happily Ever After" is no where near
There's more to the story. There's more to be told.
It's the story of the arrival of a baby to hold.
Just a short time later, there was a stirring inside.
The baby was so small but LIFE could not be denied!
Little Baby was there just the size of a bean
The love of a mom was easily seen
Headaches, Nausea, Cravings and all
It wasn't long 'til that belly wasn't so small!
Around the 18th week, there was news to enjoy
All the parts were present to make a baby a BOY!!
It's a boy! It's a boy! We can't wait to meet
Little Jayden St. Onge and his cute, little feet!
The next months were filled with such anticipation
As we all looked ahead with great expectations
Our new roles as Auntie, Grandma and Mom
Bring great responsibility to keep Jayden from harm
To love him the most with kisses and hugs
To showcase his face in frames, calendars and mugs
To kiss boo-boos on fingers and bandage his knees
To make sure he eats all of his carrots and peas
To train him up in the way he should go
And be a good example so in Christ he will grow
It won't be long now 'til we finally see
The perfect addition to our family
Being a mom is a calling- the highest there is
And Jayden is so blessed that you are his
Enjoy the gift he has already been
And when he arrives- oh, the hearts he will win!
God gave you a miracle-a gift from above
And now we have Jayden all because two fell in love.
The End....or just the beginning...
Anyways, Here it is....
As young children, I think that most would agree
Our favorite place was reading stories up on Mommy's knee
We've heard of the beanstalk and the three little pigs,
Hansel and Gretel and the wolf, bad and big
But maybe someday, when baby is grown,
He'll ask you the story of how he became your own...
It all began way back when Mike and Cheryl said "I Do"
And let's not forget Gloria and Camille who shared their vows too
Relationships continued and love did abound
And several years later discoveries were found
Mike and Cheryl had Jill
Gloria and Camille had Eric
Little did they know, they started a love lyric.
Eric and Jill finally met. God's plan was clear.
Jill's Prince Charming was finally here!
They had a fairytale wedding-Jill looked like Cinderella!
(Even Eric kinda looked like a handsome young fella')
Often times in a book, the story ends there
But "Happily Ever After" is no where near
There's more to the story. There's more to be told.
It's the story of the arrival of a baby to hold.
Just a short time later, there was a stirring inside.
The baby was so small but LIFE could not be denied!
Little Baby was there just the size of a bean
The love of a mom was easily seen
Headaches, Nausea, Cravings and all
It wasn't long 'til that belly wasn't so small!
Around the 18th week, there was news to enjoy
All the parts were present to make a baby a BOY!!
It's a boy! It's a boy! We can't wait to meet
Little Jayden St. Onge and his cute, little feet!
The next months were filled with such anticipation
As we all looked ahead with great expectations
Our new roles as Auntie, Grandma and Mom
Bring great responsibility to keep Jayden from harm
To love him the most with kisses and hugs
To showcase his face in frames, calendars and mugs
To kiss boo-boos on fingers and bandage his knees
To make sure he eats all of his carrots and peas
To train him up in the way he should go
And be a good example so in Christ he will grow
It won't be long now 'til we finally see
The perfect addition to our family
Being a mom is a calling- the highest there is
And Jayden is so blessed that you are his
Enjoy the gift he has already been
And when he arrives- oh, the hearts he will win!
God gave you a miracle-a gift from above
And now we have Jayden all because two fell in love.
The End....or just the beginning...
Monday, May 4, 2009
Jayden is Here!!!
Jayden arrived at 2:41 this morning, May 4, 2009!!! He is 6 pounds even and 20 inches long...He is a seriously handsome, little guy!!
I think it's going to be difficult to spoil him the most...a lot of people already love him!
Especially these guys :)
See what I mean?
I think it's going to be difficult to spoil him the most...a lot of people already love him!
Especially these guys :)Congratulations to Jill and Eric!!
I was very excited to get the call on Sunday morning from Jill telling me that I could come in the Labor Delivery Room...I was beyond honored and excited!!! I'm so impressed with Jill's strength and endurance...If you ever get the opportunity to get in that room, DO IT! It's not only educational, but also incredibly awesome to witness that kind of miracle!!!!
Jayden, you rock and I love you! Happy Birthday!
Jayden, you rock and I love you! Happy Birthday!
Sunday, May 3, 2009
Jayden is Coming!!!!!!!
I'm very pleased to announce that Jayden Christopher St. Onge, my handsome nephew, is on his way!!
I'm thinking about declaring this week "Jayden Week" so that I can share all the fun Aunt things I'm learning...so stay tuned! There's plenty of cute pictures coming soon!
Check out this funny video of my sister!! We were cracking up!!! The nurse was trying to get the contractions started back up and it worked!
More pictures when he arrives later tonight!!
I'm thinking about declaring this week "Jayden Week" so that I can share all the fun Aunt things I'm learning...so stay tuned! There's plenty of cute pictures coming soon!
Check out this funny video of my sister!! We were cracking up!!! The nurse was trying to get the contractions started back up and it worked!
More pictures when he arrives later tonight!!
Sunday, April 26, 2009
thoughts and thank you's
The night before the march, I started thinking about our team t-shirts which feature Zachary's feet as our logo. I started wondering what people would think of his feet. Like, would they feel sad that his feet are so small? Or sad that those feet belong to one of the ones that didn't survive? I actually started to even feel a little sad about those feet...sad that I would never get to see them again before Heaven...sad that they will never get to wear shoes...or play in sand.....or play sports....or be tickled....
But then I realized something that continually brings comfort....Those little feet are scampering around the golden streets of Heaven....and he's even more perfect now than he was when he was with me.....and I will see him again...I wonder what Heaven is like for my little boy....is there a playground? He probably doesn't even have to wear shoes......and he definitely doesn't miss sand or playing sports because his "time" is filled with the most rewarding activities there could possibly be!! Also, imagine my little boy who was limited to a small incubator while alive now occupying his very own MANSION! I wonder what it looks like....My thoughts of him are happy...I'm proud of the life he had and absolutely positive that he got an upgrade on life.
I had so much fun at the March for Babies, and I'm accumulating mental notes for next year...
First off, thanks to so many of my sponsors!!!! I raised $1300!! When I turned in my sponsor form, I got a special little lanyard that said "Top Walker" on it because I raised over a $1,000...honestly, as excited as I was about my lanyard (yes, I actually was REALLY excited about it even though I tried to act cool), I didn't do anything besides letting all of you know about the need and then you filled it!! You guys are awesome and I'm so thankful for you and your support.
To my fellow team members: I hope you had as much fun as I did and that you all got some FREE pulled pork sandwiches from Texas Roadhouse. Tara and I went to every tent and tried to pick up as much free stuff as possible :) I'm also jealous to hear that Nuno took them up on the offer for the free massage. Ah, I pretty much love free stuff even if it's junk...it still made it's way in my bag :) Anyways, throughout the day, I felt very appreciative of you. You will probably not even understand how much it meant to me that you were all there. I know many of you were walking in support of us and in memory of Zachary. It was a true honor to have you all there.
That's it for now....I'm gonna get back to daydreaming about chillin' in my son's mansion someday!!
Thanks again for everything!!
Wednesday, April 22, 2009
the reason i'm marching
I was 24 weeks pregnant to the day when I went to the doctor for nothing more than an "instinctual feeling" that something was wrong and light spotting. Once being examined, my doctor told me that I was going to be transported to the hospital by ambulance immediately. I was already 6cm dilated...apparently having contractions back to back...the doctor told me I should be hemorrhaging! I was rushed to the hospital where I was met with my husband. When I saw him come through the doors, I seriously think I may have heard a superhero theme song! I was so relieved to see him. Immediately upon arriving at Women and Infants hospital, I was connected with my triage nurse, and also a pediatrician who explained the risks associated with a baby born prematurely including the statistics of survival...etc. I was also treated with my first steroid shot which was given to help develop the lungs faster and a medication to slow down or stop my contractions. I was transported to the Labor Delivery floor where I received only the highest quality care from my nurses. I loved my nurses!! At such an uncomfortable time, they did everything they could to keep me as comfortable as possible. From the moment I was at the hospital, my bed was tilted so my head was lower than my feet in order to take pressure off the uterus. I couldn't imagine being in that position for 10 weeks but they encouraged me that I could do it and I felt hopeful! Being on the Labor Delivery floor, I can clearly remember the sounds of other babies entering the world. It was amazing to hear the rush of nurses, the holding breath, the cry of life, and the welcoming cheers. I could only pray that my son's entry would be as perfect! I spent only a few days in Labor Delivery and then they transferred me to floor 5, High Risk Pregnancy. I spent only a few hours on that floor. That night I tried to sleep but I was so cold with uncontrollable shaking. We called the nurse and she came and took my temperature and it was still normal so she gave me heated blankets to try to help me warm up. After a half hour or so I was still shaking and my temperature spiked during that short time...this unfortunately signified that there may be infection. The doctor came in and did an ultrasound checking the position of my baby and decided the best option would be an emergency c-section delivery. What happened next was a whirlwind of mixed emotion- fear, anticipation, hope, wonder, faith. It is hard to explain the heart of a mother during a time such as this. When Zachary came out all I remember is his little cry...it was quiet, but it was there and surged my heart with hope. My husband was so excited! He went over and watched the doctors working on Zachary with such speed and precision. We felt like our son was in the best hands medically possible. I didn't get to meet Zachary for the first time until several hours later. When I finally saw him, I was utterly amazed! By all standards, my son was a beautiful miracle of God!! I couldn't believe that all of this had happened and could not possibly explain why it happened; but we trusted in God's all-knowing control over our lives and truly believed that His plans were bigger than the plans we could ever prepare for ourselves. Zach had several nurses who became his friends...it felt so much better leaving your child with people who you trust! Zachary started out with the most unbelievable head start! We had no doubt that our son was a fighter...a champion even! Every day was a roller coaster ride of medical diagnosis and emotional upheaval. It is so difficult to watch your child whom you've dreamed so many dreams for and hoped so many things locked up in his "womb with a view" with no access to hugs or kisses...the feeling is so helpless for a parent. Zachary lived a life full of love and victory for 18 short days and then he truly was in the best hands possible. He now lives with his Maker in Heaven and rests in our Savior's loving arms while waiting for our reunion. Life isn't an easy thing to understand. Everyone at one point unwillingly surrenders themselves to a plan outside of their own control. Death is an even more difficult thing to understand, especially the death of a child. With all the mystery of life and death, there is always one thing that is certain: God knows the plan for our lives. He loves us and is in control of that plan. We unashamedly admit that our relationship with our Heavenly Father is the only thing that brings us peace at this time in our lives. We still wonder what is in store for our lives without Zachary, but continue to trust in His perfect will. We will always love Zachary...he remains forever in our hearts and in our thoughts daily. He will always be our first child; and we will always look forward to Heaven!Among the extensive medical team that worked closest with Zachary- his favorite nurses, his Doctor and many other wonderful people at Woman and Infants- We are also thankful for the March of Dimes support team present at the hospital and for the work they are diving into to find the reasons for prematurity and the cure for it. The money donated to their cause is money that I believe is well-spent. Besides the research, they provide very practical things such as tiny clothing and hats, blankets, books to read to our babies during the countless hours of being beside an incubator, and tremendous emotional and educational support….I remember that when Zachary was ready to go to Heaven, the hospital provided a room for my entire family to spend time with him away from the medical alarms, and during that time the March of Dimes support team provided a beautiful buffet to make sure that we took care of ourselves by remembering to eat. That meant a lot to us.
Donating to this cause may not guarantee that your children or your grandchildren won’t end up in the Neonatal Intensive Care Unit….BUT; it does guarantee one step closer to the day when all babies will be born healthy.
“For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother's womb. I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made.” Psalm 139:13
Monday, April 20, 2009
impact
I got this from a friend of our's this weekend. He is taking an English Composition class and had to observe a setting and then write about it...He chose Highland Memorial Park...where Zach is! (Well, Zach is in Heaven, but you know what I mean)...The first part was written about the setting of the park (it was really eloquently written with really good metaphors), but the last paragraph was written about my little man!!! I'm gonna share just the last part with you! Here it goes:
"Finally, I arrive. It's Zach's grave. Oh boy, I remember one of the most emotional times of my life when two very special friends of mine had a premature baby that lived for eighteen days then went home to be with the LORD. Correction: It WAS the most emotional time of my life. But why eighteen days? Why even live at all? Quickly, I remember why. Eighteen days was the exact amount of time that it took for him to leave deep footprints in my heart! That little boy who couldn't speak, reason or do anything for that matter single-handedly brought families together before my eyes and caused us all to pause from our busy, routine lives and remember what's truly important: the LORD, family and love. Zach did more than some of the finest counselors I have ever seen; and he did it without a single word. He was the youngest missionary ever."
His final summary...
"Being here has caused me to reprioritize my life. That I must build my treasure in Heaven and not here on Earth. For we will all come to the grave and leave this world and it's possessions behind."
I'd have to agree with this writer on all points. When I go and "visit" Zachary, I witness a lot of people visiting their loved ones and can't help but wonder about their stories...Who are they visiting? Is this new grief?
I'm much more aware now of the temporary trappings of this life. There are people "out there" dealing with real stuff...real loss, real hopelessness...and when you've been filled and re-filled over and over again with the Hope that Jesus offers like I have been, you want to share it with those people. This life is short. Death is a certainty for all of us. And unfortunately, for some it comes too soon according to our standards. But the most important thing is that you have the promise of Heaven...eternal life, forgiveness of sins, the redemption of His blood that He shed for YOU and for ME!!!!!
My son has made a bigger impact in his short 18 days than I ever have!! He STILL remains to make an impact on not only my life but many others!!
What kind of impact am I making while I still have life to do it? I want to be more like Zachary! Little, humble...even incapable at times...BUT do BIG things for God!!
p.s...He got an A!
"Finally, I arrive. It's Zach's grave. Oh boy, I remember one of the most emotional times of my life when two very special friends of mine had a premature baby that lived for eighteen days then went home to be with the LORD. Correction: It WAS the most emotional time of my life. But why eighteen days? Why even live at all? Quickly, I remember why. Eighteen days was the exact amount of time that it took for him to leave deep footprints in my heart! That little boy who couldn't speak, reason or do anything for that matter single-handedly brought families together before my eyes and caused us all to pause from our busy, routine lives and remember what's truly important: the LORD, family and love. Zach did more than some of the finest counselors I have ever seen; and he did it without a single word. He was the youngest missionary ever."
His final summary...
"Being here has caused me to reprioritize my life. That I must build my treasure in Heaven and not here on Earth. For we will all come to the grave and leave this world and it's possessions behind."
I'd have to agree with this writer on all points. When I go and "visit" Zachary, I witness a lot of people visiting their loved ones and can't help but wonder about their stories...Who are they visiting? Is this new grief?
I'm much more aware now of the temporary trappings of this life. There are people "out there" dealing with real stuff...real loss, real hopelessness...and when you've been filled and re-filled over and over again with the Hope that Jesus offers like I have been, you want to share it with those people. This life is short. Death is a certainty for all of us. And unfortunately, for some it comes too soon according to our standards. But the most important thing is that you have the promise of Heaven...eternal life, forgiveness of sins, the redemption of His blood that He shed for YOU and for ME!!!!!
My son has made a bigger impact in his short 18 days than I ever have!! He STILL remains to make an impact on not only my life but many others!!
What kind of impact am I making while I still have life to do it? I want to be more like Zachary! Little, humble...even incapable at times...BUT do BIG things for God!!
p.s...He got an A!
Saturday, April 18, 2009
add these to the list
I'm thinking it may be a little early to add this to the list of my favorite things, but I'm pretty much loving it!! What is it you ask? Sewing!!! I had my first lesson today. Who knew I would enjoy it so much?!?! I started a straight skirt and finished half of it thanks to the help of my wonderful sewing mentor!! It should be completed next weekend! Maybe I will move on to a dress...I found about 7 beautiful patterns for dresses on voguepatterns.com....pretty excited about this!
I also took up guitar lessons...I've only had two but I'm liking it! Can't wait til I can REALLY play it!!
So, adding these things makes me feel like I'm reinventing myself a little...I love learning new things...especially creative things!! Somehow, it makes me feel alive!
I also took up guitar lessons...I've only had two but I'm liking it! Can't wait til I can REALLY play it!!
So, adding these things makes me feel like I'm reinventing myself a little...I love learning new things...especially creative things!! Somehow, it makes me feel alive!
Wednesday, April 15, 2009
marching for my baby
I'm totally LOVING all things March of Dimes right now! It feels so good to do this in memory of Zachary! So far, I've personally raised $585 for our team!! Our team T-shirts were designed and ordered this week...I can't wait to see them!! Props to my brother who patiently listens to my computer illiterate rantings...it pays to have a graphic designer for a brother :) I will be posting pictures of the walkathon so you will be able to see them...they even feature the footprints of the one and only Zachary Kyle Wasson!! Those little feet were perfect!
I'm overwhelmed with the response of my friends! I think there are currently 31 members of team "No Life Too Small"; and our team fundraising total equals $1,015 so far! I'm proud of our team!
I also finished up a little flyer about the walk and attached it to a "short" version of our story...maybe I will share it next week as the march approaches.
I urge you to get involved in the March of Dimes whether by donating or finding a local march where you live...it is well worth the effort!
I'm overwhelmed with the response of my friends! I think there are currently 31 members of team "No Life Too Small"; and our team fundraising total equals $1,015 so far! I'm proud of our team!
I also finished up a little flyer about the walk and attached it to a "short" version of our story...maybe I will share it next week as the march approaches.
I urge you to get involved in the March of Dimes whether by donating or finding a local march where you live...it is well worth the effort!
Saturday, April 11, 2009
healing.
What exactly is healing anyways? Is it moving on with my life? Is it forgetting the past? Is it when it doesn't hurt anymore?
I think I found a lot of healing within the last year or so. Based on the fact that I've accepted God's plan for my life...found peace through His Word and prayer...sought counsel from wise people...and have stopped asking "why?" and started asking "what does God want to use it for?"
I don't think that healing is any of those things presented in the questions above.
I could move on with my life...have another baby...never speak of what happened, but that doesn't mean I found healing. It doesn't mean that some days it won't hurt like crazy...or that I won't feel empty without him. It doesn't mean that I smile all day every day and never shed a tear for the little boy I will never know as a toddler, teen or young man.
When a wound heals, does it not leave scar?
I think I found a lot of healing within the last year or so. Based on the fact that I've accepted God's plan for my life...found peace through His Word and prayer...sought counsel from wise people...and have stopped asking "why?" and started asking "what does God want to use it for?"
I don't think that healing is any of those things presented in the questions above.
I could move on with my life...have another baby...never speak of what happened, but that doesn't mean I found healing. It doesn't mean that some days it won't hurt like crazy...or that I won't feel empty without him. It doesn't mean that I smile all day every day and never shed a tear for the little boy I will never know as a toddler, teen or young man.
When a wound heals, does it not leave scar?
Sunday, April 5, 2009
good grief (?)
I've been using the saying "good grief!" on and off lately; and since I've had my fair share of grief, I'm starting to wonder if there is any such thing as "good" grief...I don't know...what do you think?
It's amazing to me when I reflect back on the last year and a half...It has been a roller coaster ride with lots of twists and turns with no prediction of how the ride was gonna end...all I know is that on that ride, I've had tears of excitement, tears of anger and grief, the sick knot in my stomach when going up and the weightless feel going down...basically, every "out of control" feeling there is...
I know that lots of positive things can come out of grief...For example, I have a passionate desire to reach out to other people that have been in similar situations as me...believe me, that NICU is full of families that don't know HOPE outside of the hope that the medical field offers....All medicine aside, there is a HOPE that NEVER FAILS...and I want to share that with them...I can't imagine going through this stage without the benefits of knowing Jesus personally...
However, even with the understanding that God is on my side...and the knowledge that He is in control of all things and has a plan for everything...it is still really difficult day to day. Most days are getting quite "easy", but then other days you are broadsided with unpredictable emotions that are usually initiated by a pregnancy announcement from a friend, group discussions about motherhood, or just the awkwardness of wondering if people can see right through me. I forget that people don't see Zachary the way that I do...and when I show people videos or pictures that it can be unsettling or disturbing to see a little 1 pound 12 ounce baby surrounded by life support...I should keep those moments to myself...
Bottom line is...I had an "experience" (even that is kinda an understatement) that I love to share with people...God worked a lot of things out in our lives and gave me a new direction because of Zachary! I have a totally new perspective on who God is...BUT it is an awkward realization when I'm done telling my story and remember that I don't have a baby to hold.
I'm starting to realize that going to the cemetary and talking to a patch of grass just isn't enough anymore...that use to bring comfort, now it just kinda makes me feel empty-handed.
Even as I write this, I wonder what you, my readers, are thinking....Was this too personal to share?
It's amazing to me when I reflect back on the last year and a half...It has been a roller coaster ride with lots of twists and turns with no prediction of how the ride was gonna end...all I know is that on that ride, I've had tears of excitement, tears of anger and grief, the sick knot in my stomach when going up and the weightless feel going down...basically, every "out of control" feeling there is...
I know that lots of positive things can come out of grief...For example, I have a passionate desire to reach out to other people that have been in similar situations as me...believe me, that NICU is full of families that don't know HOPE outside of the hope that the medical field offers....All medicine aside, there is a HOPE that NEVER FAILS...and I want to share that with them...I can't imagine going through this stage without the benefits of knowing Jesus personally...
However, even with the understanding that God is on my side...and the knowledge that He is in control of all things and has a plan for everything...it is still really difficult day to day. Most days are getting quite "easy", but then other days you are broadsided with unpredictable emotions that are usually initiated by a pregnancy announcement from a friend, group discussions about motherhood, or just the awkwardness of wondering if people can see right through me. I forget that people don't see Zachary the way that I do...and when I show people videos or pictures that it can be unsettling or disturbing to see a little 1 pound 12 ounce baby surrounded by life support...I should keep those moments to myself...
Bottom line is...I had an "experience" (even that is kinda an understatement) that I love to share with people...God worked a lot of things out in our lives and gave me a new direction because of Zachary! I have a totally new perspective on who God is...BUT it is an awkward realization when I'm done telling my story and remember that I don't have a baby to hold.
I'm starting to realize that going to the cemetary and talking to a patch of grass just isn't enough anymore...that use to bring comfort, now it just kinda makes me feel empty-handed.
Even as I write this, I wonder what you, my readers, are thinking....Was this too personal to share?
Tuesday, March 3, 2009
take a chance on this one
So, in my family, we have to be extremely careful discussing movies that we've seen..."one" (eh hem...no names...eh hem...DAD) usually goes too far and gives the twists and turns...I am usually careful to recommend movies to people outside of family, but take a chance on this one...it's really good. well, I think so anyways.
Taking Chance is an HBO movie that is currently onDemand...I watched it because it was recommended to me and I found it to be very touching. I will give nothing away that isn't shown already in the previews.
Basically, this movie is about a high rank officer that volunteers to escort the body of a 19 year old local boy back home. Along the way, many people are touched by this boy's sacrifice and show such deserving respect and honor. This movie was patriotic not in the way that it was pro-America, but in the way that it was pro-appreciation. Whether you agree with the war or not we cannot deny that many have sacrificed their lives for it...for us! I'm thankful for those that serve our great country!
So, the thing that amazed me the most was the degree that people were touched by a boy they never knew. He made a difference in their lives.
Taking Chance is an HBO movie that is currently onDemand...I watched it because it was recommended to me and I found it to be very touching. I will give nothing away that isn't shown already in the previews.
Basically, this movie is about a high rank officer that volunteers to escort the body of a 19 year old local boy back home. Along the way, many people are touched by this boy's sacrifice and show such deserving respect and honor. This movie was patriotic not in the way that it was pro-America, but in the way that it was pro-appreciation. Whether you agree with the war or not we cannot deny that many have sacrificed their lives for it...for us! I'm thankful for those that serve our great country!
So, the thing that amazed me the most was the degree that people were touched by a boy they never knew. He made a difference in their lives.
Saturday, January 31, 2009
what freeedom looks like
Watch this video....it is about ten minutes long, but the last minute or so will make you want to watch it all over again!
Monday, January 19, 2009
Saturday, January 17, 2009
Spreading the Word
So, here is the link to one of the most fabulous blogs ever! I love this blog and read it daily...I find it inspiring in every creative way and am always impressed with Keri's crafty genius. Today is Keri's blogiversary and, in honor of this special occasion, she is hosting a special giveaway of one of her masterpieces. Go to her blog and check out all of her wonderful ideas and enter her giveaway!! Enjoy!
Friday, January 9, 2009
HaHa
Where is this guy's top lip? This has been bugging me all day on Yahoo's Homepage....hahahahaha
Update
About a month ago, I challenged you to a health and fitness challenge...Ultimately, I was challenging myself, but kidnapping you in the process. Anyways, it has been a while and I figured that maybe I should update you on my progress.
My progress has been...ugh...nothing at all. In fact, I ate cake and pies and all the butter-enriched holiday foods I could get my hands on. What was I thinking setting an impossible goal for myself?
I just love food! Why does it have to be so good?!
Food is a necessary evil...you have to eat to live...BUT you don't have to eat enjoy living...I think that is where the thin line is. My experience at LA Weightloss Center revealed several truths about woman in general...here are a few:
1. We reward ourselves with food.
2. We punish ourselves with food.
3. We comfort ourselves with food.
One time I received a phone call from a woman. The client on the other end felt desperate. She was at a work Christmas party and a plate of fudge was left on the corner of her desk. She called looking for someone to talk her into not eating a piece. She was practically crying! Now, I, as a counsellor, tried to level with her.
I told her, "move the plate"...
she said, "I can't. I will eat one."
I said, "have someone else take it away"...
she said, "but I want one"
I said, "Then have one!"...
she said "I won't be able to stop once I start"...
Now, I, as a woman, said in my head, "Woman, grow up!! It's just food! It's just fudge! Don't be so pathetic!" I really felt like I was talking her off the ledge if you know what I mean...
Anyways, my reason for the story is this....
EATING healthy in order to BE healthy is a must!! God gave us these bodies and we have to take care of them! Eating healthy and exercising consistently require DISCIPLINE!
Maybe I'm not like the woman on the phone...maybe not quite as desperate...but I do find myself somewhere in that category of complaining about my body, knowing there is a need to be healthy, and not doing what it takes to get me there.
This year, I desire to be more DISCIPLINED...not to look like a super model...to be healthy for myself and my family.
My progress has been...ugh...nothing at all. In fact, I ate cake and pies and all the butter-enriched holiday foods I could get my hands on. What was I thinking setting an impossible goal for myself?
I just love food! Why does it have to be so good?!
Food is a necessary evil...you have to eat to live...BUT you don't have to eat enjoy living...I think that is where the thin line is. My experience at LA Weightloss Center revealed several truths about woman in general...here are a few:
1. We reward ourselves with food.
2. We punish ourselves with food.
3. We comfort ourselves with food.
One time I received a phone call from a woman. The client on the other end felt desperate. She was at a work Christmas party and a plate of fudge was left on the corner of her desk. She called looking for someone to talk her into not eating a piece. She was practically crying! Now, I, as a counsellor, tried to level with her.
I told her, "move the plate"...
she said, "I can't. I will eat one."
I said, "have someone else take it away"...
she said, "but I want one"
I said, "Then have one!"...
she said "I won't be able to stop once I start"...
Now, I, as a woman, said in my head, "Woman, grow up!! It's just food! It's just fudge! Don't be so pathetic!" I really felt like I was talking her off the ledge if you know what I mean...
Anyways, my reason for the story is this....
EATING healthy in order to BE healthy is a must!! God gave us these bodies and we have to take care of them! Eating healthy and exercising consistently require DISCIPLINE!
Maybe I'm not like the woman on the phone...maybe not quite as desperate...but I do find myself somewhere in that category of complaining about my body, knowing there is a need to be healthy, and not doing what it takes to get me there.
This year, I desire to be more DISCIPLINED...not to look like a super model...to be healthy for myself and my family.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)