my guy

i've been thinking a lot about my husband recently...

how four years ago, we experienced the same thing...

but there will always be snippets of our experience that might be a little different.

for instance, as i was on bed rest, he had to visit the nicu...

he saw preemie babies and he saw the kind of situation we might be in...

and he did that without me.

i remember he came upstairs and told me,

 "those babies are too small. he needs to stay in. we need to pray he stays in."

i know he prayed silently...
while i was protected from our reality.

i know i had dreams for zachary...

and he had dreams for him just the same...

i know he dreamed of taking him to a Red Sox game and teaching him all about baseball...

the day he went to heaven, we were sitting on the side of his isolate when the doctors abruptly pulled our seats from underneath us and began cpr on my little boy...i saw them trying to bring him back to life and my husband stood between and hid my face in his chest knowing that although we had to be there for zachary, he had to be there for me.

i'm thankful that mixed into the most horrifying moment of my life,

i have a sweet memory of our marriage vows in action.

when we were in the depths of grief, i could only think about my own survival...

at times, i was consumed with it...

he should know that when i lost my mind and he held me, he was literally holding me together.

he showed me God's love when i couldn't "feel" it...he was God's arms to me.

God used him to keep me sane. He's the reason i'm here.

i wish i could have been that same strength for him.

as the mom, i get too much credit for staying strong.

he's my strength.

 i'm so grateful to have him on my team....

because for every time that i showed strength,
there were behind the scene discussions of how i didn't think it was fair...
when he lovingly refocused my attention...
and refreshed my memories of zachary.

...and i'm thankful that God brought us through together.

i really think we can handle whatever comes our way...

we say, "eh, we've been through worse".

i love that we've had conversations that are never meant to be shared.
"just us"
things only we know.
because we went through it together.
we're veterans.

we talk a lot about how we were just kids when we got married...

we could have easily unravelled with our life experiences...

but honestly, we love our life together...

we think it's crazy and twisted and messy...

we are certainly not perfect...

we argue...

and roll our eyes...

...and just downright get on eachother's nerves...
but we're together...

and we have no regrets.