name

when i think about how special My relationship is right now with baby girl, i can't help but think about how special our relationship is with our Heavenly Father...especially when it comes to the matter of names. with zachary, we had a few boy names picked, but we knew his name for sure when it was obvious he was arriving soon.

i've known Baby Girl's name for quite some time now and it's so fun to know something that no one (except a few others...and by this point, maybe you...hint, hint) know...it's so sneaky...

...but when i think about God...(yeah, the God of the Universe)...knowing MY NAME...that's Just Amazing!!

what's more?? my name was written in the book of life before the creation of the world?? (Rev 17:8) what?? yup, so not only did He know my name...but He intimately knew me!

i just don't see it happening...

i get new pocketbooks all the time...i get super excited about it, use it for a week or two; but it inevitably always ends up on my closet floor...

i get bored with my hairstyle...if i have short hair, i want long...

and you guessed it, if i have long, i need short...

i get cravings for food and continue to eat them until the thought of eating it again literally makes me ill...

i consume my brain with hobbys, initially investing numerous hours into it until i get bored and need to move on to something new...

i get bored at work....ALL. THE. TIME.

but one thing i don't think i could ever get bored with is

dreaming of Baby Girl...it's an impossibility...

i think about her all day long... i imagine her face...the sound of her voice...i'm looking forward to finally having someone to color with on my restaurant placemats...i look forward to finally having a reason to go on the kiddie rides at Six Flags...

i have a feeling, i'm going to be getting much fewer strange glances directed my way...

i just don't see myself ever getting bored with her.

i love this little girl! i know that every day i've gotten with her has been a true gift...and i so look forward to holding her hand while we walk across the street.

perks

being labeled "high risk" is annoying...only depending on who's doing the labeling...when it's my doctor, it gives me a sense of security...it's like, "hmm...she knows i need her to pay attention to me"...it's incredibly reassuring to have that on the front page of my file :)

another perk to this label is bi-monthly ultrasounds...mine started at 16 weeks and will continue until delivery. i may even get to go every week leading up to week 24. with all the stress that comes with the label, it's rewarding to see my baby growing in front of my eyes.

so, this past monday, my husband and i anxiously went for our first ultrasound since the tadpole-looking days...we knew that being 16 plus however many days along that we might be able to find out whether "it" is a "he" or "she"...

the ultrasound tech preceded to spread the usual messy concoction all over my stomach all while commenting on how modest my baby is...this will be good in the future, post-utero stages; but right then, i was looking for a serious reveal... i reluctantly began understanding that we probably weren't gonna get the tell-all pictures we were hoping for when all of a sudden we heard these sweet words:

you're having a baby girl!!

baby girl? baby girl?!?!

...that was 3 days ago...since then i've been tailspinning in a world of baby beautifulness...pink Red Sox hoodie, cutie owl onesies, crib bedding...

i'm hopelessly

in love

with this baby girl

(and all her accessories).

...and i'll see her sweet face again on April 27th...i already can't wait.

hope in pain

i remember going back to work after zachary passed away...

...i was there, but i wasn't there... i felt as though i was living in some other alternate universe where all i felt was pain and no one noticed...it seemed life went on for every one else...because when does life ever stop?? wouldn't it be nice to just pause life when tragedy strikes? but usually, the demands of life keep us forging ahead, however fake our attempt may be to get through the day.

...i've realized recently that although i felt very alone...i know (i KNOW) that i never was. life can't stop, but it doesn't mean people weren't thinking of me, praying for me,

sighing on my behalf....

...i realized this the last couple of weeks watching my father after he lost his twin brother. my heart desperately hurts for him and i miss the connection he had with him. part of me wishes life would stop so that my dad knows how much we are sharing in his pain...because i know for him, he's probably feeling the same way i did.

i'm so thankful that Heaven is for real! it's not an imaginary crutch used by people grasping for some positive outlook when dealing with the issues of losing someone...it's a REAL place...where my REAL God lives...and i can't wait to see it all.

in my mind, i long to be there to see zachary again...but i really believe that once i'm there, seeing him will be a minor attraction of heaven...i think i may just be distracted by meeting Jesus face-to-face. it's a comfort knowing that zachary KNOWS Jesus...he even knows His face...and that's cool to me...the same is true for my uncle.

...can't wait to see them both again.