fears and faith

i have a long list of fears...here's a few for your reading pleasure:

people coughing/sneezing directly on me or into their hand and then shaking mine

vomit...terrified of this one

doctors...which is weird because i have one for every part of my body pretty much

cancer...because you might not know it's there until it's too late

rejection...because everyone loves to be accepted

failure...because i want to be really good at something

drowning...because...this is self-explanatory....

heights...because i don't want to fall

closed in spaces...because i love an easily accessible escape route

loneliness...because i love Nate so much...i never want to be without him

i have fears...a lot of them...more than what i listed here...

i have fears about my future...fears that i'll never have another child...fears that i've put other dreams on hold for so long and that one day, it will be too late....fears that i'll focus on one dream over another and i'll have regrets...

i've realized that the only reason these are fears is because there's some dark shadowing hovering over them...every one of these things invokes a feeling of uncertainty...

but...

here's my faith...and it's a short list:

"Thy word is a lamp unto my feet

and a light unto my path".

God's word tell us that He'll supply light for each step...and i don't need to know what happens around the bend where the shadow is...yep, the road can be uncertain at times...and that's ok...because He'll supply the light i need to make sure my foot is in the right place.

waiting for the harvest

a facebook friend of mine posted this status and i am in love with it...

‎"God will never send us into the valley and ask us to bow to His authority there without sooner or later bringing a harvest from the ground watered by our sweat and tears." ~Beth Moore

i've been in a valley for the last 3 years it seems and this quote is just a sweet reminder that there's a purpose for it!

being in a valley...
1. makes you recognize the mountain

2. humbles you, placing you in your proper place under God's authority

3. exhausts you, but worth the view from the mountaintop

4. brings God so near to us...near enough to capture those tears in a bottle.

5. reaps a harvest!!!!

God loves us so much and His plans are perfect!

...and I'll just keep waiting, waiting, waiting for the harvest...
BUT, i should keep my eyes open because the "fruit" might not look like how i expect...
God's plan might not be the same as my plan, but I'm confident that no matter what...
there will be fruit.

nothing is wasted.

it's no surprise that the recent prayers for our baby have increased....or that the recent heaviness on my heart has coincided with the baby boom among my friends and zachary's anniversary of life.

plain and simple: i just really want a baby.

as if you didn't already know that.

there's something about the chaos that a newborn brings that seems so enticing.

i want all of it.

i'm incredibly happy for my friends. i love them...and i love their kiddos. but, fear creaps up and speaks words of doubt to me...doubt that i'll ever have my own to hold...doubt that i'll ever be able to have playdates...

doubt. it stinks.

enough said about that.

sometimes, a "congratulations" is painfully similar to an admission of the things i don't have...and it's painful to admit you want "more" out of your life (if that makes sense.)

the overwhelming positive i find is that God uses everything.

literally, nothing is wasted...

i love that.

Zachary's Feet

You may have noticed that i added a picture of Zachary's feet in my sidebar. They are actual size on my computer...if they are just under 2 inches, they are actual size on yours.

It's pretty unbelievable that someone that small could be so complete.

"...fearfully and wonderfully made..." indeed!

eye contact

maybe you've seen a mom do this before...it's likely that it's been done to you or that you've done it to your child....

the child is just misbehaving and not listening at all...or maybe the child is just restless and not paying full attention...but the mom will grab hold of the child's face with both hands, get some eye contact and repeat her orders.

it seems to work.

there are things in life that happen and it causes me to wonder if God is trying to get my attention or trying to get me to refocus.

is He holding my face and looking for eye contact?

it's true even in the case of Peter. Jesus was off praying alone and the boat went afar off into the water by the time He was done. He walked on the water towards the boat and the fisherman that knew Jesus became scared thinking that it was a ghost! the men KNEW Jesus personally and in some strange way, didn't recognize Him and didn't recognize His power. so Peter said, "if that's You, then command me to come to You on the water". Jesus replied, "come". so Peter got out of the boat and began walking towards Jesus. He was walking on water! Obviously, this is something supernatural that took place, but even in that moment when Peter was experiencing the power of God, he got distracted and focused on the wind and the crashing waves. the fear and circumstances of his experience began to trump the faith he had in the One that gave him the power to pass over the water without sinking!

let it not be said of me!

Peter cried out to Him and immediately Jesus reached out His hand.

all Peter needed was a little eye contact.

my goal is for others to witness me walking on water,

and just like the fisherman watching from the boat, they'll say...

"Truly, You are the Son of God"

this blog.

i was talking with a friend today about different themes that people stick to while in blogworld...

there are the quiliting blogs, sewing blogs, general crafting blogs, photography blogs, family blogs, design blogs, spiritual blogs, ranting blogs...(blog is a weird "word" now).

i was saying that i typically write about zachary and don't usually share anything other that...there are no cute pictures or tutorials for fun crafts i'm working on....just the plain guts of the inner parts of my heart...i share my thoughts when i come to some resolution in my own heart...and that's why my posts are few and far between.

she said, "i'm sure you'll post about your future children".

....and that made me happy....

this blog has been an outlet for me to share the hope i've found after losing Zachary...

my readers, you've followed me when my grief was new...when i was standing in the front line of battle struggling to find some sense of reality after losing Zachary.

you've read about the victory i've found in Jesus...the peace He gives...my ability to rely on Him easier because i've felt the strength of His hands.

you've continued to read as i've struggled with the very personal pain of trying to grow our family...

my blog, just like my life, has gone through different phases...

and i look forward to the next phase to share alongside you.

outliving

as i listened to my favorite Christian radio station this morning, KLOVE...i was touched to hear stories of "outliving your life"....basically, the idea of leaving a legacy.

i love the idea of a legacy. it reminds of Nichole Nordeman's lyrics:

"i want to leave a legacy

how will they remember me?

did i choose to love?

did i point to You enough

to make a mark on things?

i want to leave an offering,

a child of mercy and grace who

blessed Your Name unapologetically

and leave that kind of legacy.

i don't have to look too far or too long awhile

to make a lengthy list of all that i enjoy

it's an accumulating trinket and a treasure pile

where moth and rust, thieves and such will soon enough destroy

not well-traveled, not well-read, not well-to-do or well bred

just want to hear instead,

"Well done, good and faithful one."

this idea of a legacy, is one of the reasons it's always my pleasure to share Zachary's story.

i can't talk about Zachary without pointing to Jesus...

it was His Grace, His Mercy, His Love that kept us sane...

without Him, i have no story worth mentioning.

interesting to me that typically we believe that most children outlive the lives of their parents...

that didn't happen in Zach's case...

but he DID outlive his own.