dancing with my eyes closed

Stephen Curtis Chapman used his creative expertise to dedicate an entire album to his adopted daughter Maria Sue. She was tragically killed in a home accident a few years ago....and his honesty is overwhelming in this cd...he put into songs emotions that i could never put into words.

The song that the album is named after has these lyrics and they are constantly in my head lately...

"Out of these ashes,

Beauty will rise...

and I will dance among the ruins

I'll see it with my own eyes"

I can't help but consider the magnitude of what it means to "dance among the ruins".....to, regardless of circumstances, praise God for the "ruins" because you KNOW He will make something incredibly beautiful from it. Such sweet abandonment in the arms of our Saviour!

footprints

when we first moved into this house, we noticed a cat that daily rested outside our door on the second floor. nate hated this cat....it scared us as we exited.....it slept on the hood of our car.....it lurked in our backyard.....anyways, for a long time, we didn't see it....

but then, it snowed....

....and little cat footprints lead from the street to the car...to the backyard...to the steps....to our door.

stupid cat.

we are dog people.

my point is this:

if it wasn't for the snowstorm, we would have never seen the tracks...we would have never known that the cat was still alive.....it would have left no impact on us at all...if i didn't see the tracks, i would have never thought, "hmmm...i wonder what that cat is up to?" or "i wonder where that stupid cat lives" or "that cat better not be scratching the hood of the car".

and then i wonder....

if it wasn't for the storms in my life....maybe I wouldn't leave any tracks either.

"oh may all who come behind us find us faithful
may the fire of our devotion light their way
may the footprints that we leave
lead them to believe
and the lives we live, inspire them to obey"

notes to self; prayers to God

last night, i perused the pages of the Bible i was reading a little over 2 years ago....it was a brand-new Bible at the time; but now it's torn...passages are underlined....notes are written in the side column.

it brought me back to a time that i hungered to be in His Word....i needed it....i needed it to focus my mind....to give me pure material to meditate on....to keep me on the right path....to ruthlessly trust my Saviour.....to convince me that His plan is better than mine.....to remind me that He isn't finished with me yet.

it dawned on me that 2 years ago, i felt the farthest from God that i ever have before that time; but the pages of my Bible prove otherwise. the words i wrote weren't words of someone who was not close to God....or didn't know Him....they were the words of someone who was clinging to Him.

those dark days were intimidating and honestly, some days i would have rather died; but how much more i appreciate His Light and life now! Jesus came to give us life and life MORE abundantly!

today, the Bible i use has very few underlined sections...very rarely do i see a note....i'm not saying that this is a mark of a non-growing Christian...i'm just noticing that my darkest hour was the hour that Jesus shined brightest.....and although i felt that God was not near, it seems He was right there all along.

senses

taste. feel. touch. sound. sight.

it's amazing how God designed us with senses that help us take advantage of His creation...we can witness a flock of birds bursting out of a tree, aligning themselves into the perfect "v" formation....we can be brought to another country by tasting the palette of flavors in any cuisine...we can be reminded of our childhood teddy bear by brushing our skin up against a familiar texture...

i love that the smell of my lipgloss brings me back to the nicu...i obsessively applied my lipgloss while in the nicu and the smell of it now reminds me of the days that zachary was still here with us...i refuse to switch flavors and i don't know what i'll do when Bath & Body no longer makes it...

i hate the smell of purell...it reminds me of how much i had to un-contaminate myself before even seeing him...it just reminds me that i didn't get to hold him...BUT, it also reminds me of how excited i use to feel knowing that washing our hands in the scrub down room meant we were going to see him.

i love that there's a small part on nate's forehead that feels just like zachary's....it's the part right before the hair line that has that baby hair feel...

i love that i have pictures to help remind me of those days....

but i hate that staring at them can never bring him back. i can stare at the only picture i have of me kissing zachary on the forehead, but nothing can bring me back to that kind of physical closeness with him (while i'm still here on earth, of course...)

today kinda stinks. i miss my little man...

i'm thankful for my senses that bring me back to him.

i've been delurking myself all week

CALLING ALL LURKERS!!! Now is the time to come out of those dark corners of the internet and boldly pronounce that you've found some kind of interest in reading my random thoughts...Yes, you check in monthly, weekly...or maybe even daily and you read what should be just scribbles in a notebook....You've been found out! I know you are out there! You are more than welcome to peruse the pages of this site in complete privacy, but I beckon to you to disclose your identity by taking 2 seconds to leave a comment!

As always, thanks for reading my blog! I just want to get to know who's out there so I can follow you too!!!

coincidence?!?!

i made a resolution (more on this later) to read the whole Bible in a year....granted, i have other facebook friends that have decided to do it in 90 days which kinda makes my commitment look kinda shabby; but regardless, it's a commitment! i chose my reading plan at YouVersion.com. you can also set up an account and read along with me...i chose the "life journal reading plan"...which schedules you to read the old testament once and the new testament twice in year...i tried to do this last year, but got stumped somewhere in the middle of Leviticus

anyways, i was totally blessed yesterday as i was reading because technically, it was my first day.....yes, you read that right....my resolution was already failing only 6 days into the new year so I had a lot of catching up to do....

i started with the chapters i was scheduled to read in Genesis and what do you think it had for me there?! well, they were the chapters where Abraham and Sarah doubt that God would bless them with the many children promised to them......and what about the chapters i was scheduled to read in Luke?!?! it was the chapters where Elizabeth who was barren found out she conceived John and Mary found out about the miraculous conception of Jesus......

my heart was happy when i realized that miracles STILL happen....

my hope is that at the end of my life, it can be said "BY FAITH, Jaclyn dealt with many dark days, the grief of losing her son, the hardship caused by poor decisions, the fear of failure, anxiety over the future......and because of her FAITH, she NEVER lost sight of God's love and the HOPE He offers so freely....because of her salvation, she stands firm upon the promise of Heaven where all wrongs will be made right and there is no more tears...despite her circumstances, she always remained confident in God's bigger purpose"

so.....that sounded like a eulogy but you get my point :)

rising or setting

this weekend we went to PA and saw the Liberty Bell and Independence Hall....my favorite was Independence Hall and seeing the old architecture...we also saw George Washington's original chair that he sat in as he led meetings to declare Independence!

if you notice in the top, it has a sun etched in it....James Madison reported Ben Franklin to say, "I have often looked at that behind the president without being able to tell whether it was rising or setting. But now I....know that it is a rising..sun"

i couldn't help but relate to that....there are times in life when you just aren't sure if you are making right decisions...whether what you're going through is going to destroy you...

keep hoping.....it's a rising sun...not a setting.