thoughts and thank you's

The night before the march, I started thinking about our team t-shirts which feature Zachary's feet as our logo. I started wondering what people would think of his feet. Like, would they feel sad that his feet are so small? Or sad that those feet belong to one of the ones that didn't survive? I actually started to even feel a little sad about those feet...sad that I would never get to see them again before Heaven...sad that they will never get to wear shoes...or play in sand.....or play sports....or be tickled....

But then I realized something that continually brings comfort....Those little feet are scampering around the golden streets of Heaven....and he's even more perfect now than he was when he was with me.....and I will see him again...I wonder what Heaven is like for my little boy....is there a playground? He probably doesn't even have to wear shoes......and he definitely doesn't miss sand or playing sports because his "time" is filled with the most rewarding activities there could possibly be!! Also, imagine my little boy who was limited to a small incubator while alive now occupying his very own MANSION! I wonder what it looks like....My thoughts of him are happy...I'm proud of the life he had and absolutely positive that he got an upgrade on life.

I had so much fun at the March for Babies, and I'm accumulating mental notes for next year...

First off, thanks to so many of my sponsors!!!! I raised $1300!! When I turned in my sponsor form, I got a special little lanyard that said "Top Walker" on it because I raised over a $1,000...honestly, as excited as I was about my lanyard (yes, I actually was REALLY excited about it even though I tried to act cool), I didn't do anything besides letting all of you know about the need and then you filled it!! You guys are awesome and I'm so thankful for you and your support.

To my fellow team members: I hope you had as much fun as I did and that you all got some FREE pulled pork sandwiches from Texas Roadhouse. Tara and I went to every tent and tried to pick up as much free stuff as possible :) I'm also jealous to hear that Nuno took them up on the offer for the free massage. Ah, I pretty much love free stuff even if it's junk...it still made it's way in my bag :) Anyways, throughout the day, I felt very appreciative of you. You will probably not even understand how much it meant to me that you were all there. I know many of you were walking in support of us and in memory of Zachary. It was a true honor to have you all there.

That's it for now....I'm gonna get back to daydreaming about chillin' in my son's mansion someday!!

Thanks again for everything!!

the reason i'm marching

I was 24 weeks pregnant to the day when I went to the doctor for nothing more than an "instinctual feeling" that something was wrong and light spotting. Once being examined, my doctor told me that I was going to be transported to the hospital by ambulance immediately. I was already 6cm dilated...apparently having contractions back to back...the doctor told me I should be hemorrhaging! I was rushed to the hospital where I was met with my husband. When I saw him come through the doors, I seriously think I may have heard a superhero theme song! I was so relieved to see him. Immediately upon arriving at Women and Infants hospital, I was connected with my triage nurse, and also a pediatrician who explained the risks associated with a baby born prematurely including the statistics of survival...etc. I was also treated with my first steroid shot which was given to help develop the lungs faster and a medication to slow down or stop my contractions. I was transported to the Labor Delivery floor where I received only the highest quality care from my nurses. I loved my nurses!! At such an uncomfortable time, they did everything they could to keep me as comfortable as possible. From the moment I was at the hospital, my bed was tilted so my head was lower than my feet in order to take pressure off the uterus. I couldn't imagine being in that position for 10 weeks but they encouraged me that I could do it and I felt hopeful! Being on the Labor Delivery floor, I can clearly remember the sounds of other babies entering the world. It was amazing to hear the rush of nurses, the holding breath, the cry of life, and the welcoming cheers. I could only pray that my son's entry would be as perfect! I spent only a few days in Labor Delivery and then they transferred me to floor 5, High Risk Pregnancy. I spent only a few hours on that floor. That night I tried to sleep but I was so cold with uncontrollable shaking. We called the nurse and she came and took my temperature and it was still normal so she gave me heated blankets to try to help me warm up. After a half hour or so I was still shaking and my temperature spiked during that short time...this unfortunately signified that there may be infection. The doctor came in and did an ultrasound checking the position of my baby and decided the best option would be an emergency c-section delivery. What happened next was a whirlwind of mixed emotion- fear, anticipation, hope, wonder, faith. It is hard to explain the heart of a mother during a time such as this. When Zachary came out all I remember is his little cry...it was quiet, but it was there and surged my heart with hope. My husband was so excited! He went over and watched the doctors working on Zachary with such speed and precision. We felt like our son was in the best hands medically possible. I didn't get to meet Zachary for the first time until several hours later. When I finally saw him, I was utterly amazed! By all standards, my son was a beautiful miracle of God!! I couldn't believe that all of this had happened and could not possibly explain why it happened; but we trusted in God's all-knowing control over our lives and truly believed that His plans were bigger than the plans we could ever prepare for ourselves. Zach had several nurses who became his friends...it felt so much better leaving your child with people who you trust! Zachary started out with the most unbelievable head start! We had no doubt that our son was a fighter...a champion even! Every day was a roller coaster ride of medical diagnosis and emotional upheaval. It is so difficult to watch your child whom you've dreamed so many dreams for and hoped so many things locked up in his "womb with a view" with no access to hugs or kisses...the feeling is so helpless for a parent. Zachary lived a life full of love and victory for 18 short days and then he truly was in the best hands possible. He now lives with his Maker in Heaven and rests in our Savior's loving arms while waiting for our reunion. Life isn't an easy thing to understand. Everyone at one point unwillingly surrenders themselves to a plan outside of their own control. Death is an even more difficult thing to understand, especially the death of a child. With all the mystery of life and death, there is always one thing that is certain: God knows the plan for our lives. He loves us and is in control of that plan. We unashamedly admit that our relationship with our Heavenly Father is the only thing that brings us peace at this time in our lives. We still wonder what is in store for our lives without Zachary, but continue to trust in His perfect will. We will always love Zachary...he remains forever in our hearts and in our thoughts daily. He will always be our first child; and we will always look forward to Heaven!

Among the extensive medical team that worked closest with Zachary- his favorite nurses, his Doctor and many other wonderful people at Woman and Infants- We are also thankful for the March of Dimes support team present at the hospital and for the work they are diving into to find the reasons for prematurity and the cure for it. The money donated to their cause is money that I believe is well-spent. Besides the research, they provide very practical things such as tiny clothing and hats, blankets, books to read to our babies during the countless hours of being beside an incubator, and tremendous emotional and educational support….I remember that when Zachary was ready to go to Heaven, the hospital provided a room for my entire family to spend time with him away from the medical alarms, and during that time the March of Dimes support team provided a beautiful buffet to make sure that we took care of ourselves by remembering to eat. That meant a lot to us.

Donating to this cause may not guarantee that your children or your grandchildren won’t end up in the Neonatal Intensive Care Unit….BUT; it does guarantee one step closer to the day when all babies will be born healthy.

“For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother's womb. I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made.” Psalm 139:13

impact

I got this from a friend of our's this weekend. He is taking an English Composition class and had to observe a setting and then write about it...He chose Highland Memorial Park...where Zach is! (Well, Zach is in Heaven, but you know what I mean)...The first part was written about the setting of the park (it was really eloquently written with really good metaphors), but the last paragraph was written about my little man!!! I'm gonna share just the last part with you! Here it goes:

"Finally, I arrive. It's Zach's grave. Oh boy, I remember one of the most emotional times of my life when two very special friends of mine had a premature baby that lived for eighteen days then went home to be with the LORD. Correction: It WAS the most emotional time of my life. But why eighteen days? Why even live at all? Quickly, I remember why. Eighteen days was the exact amount of time that it took for him to leave deep footprints in my heart! That little boy who couldn't speak, reason or do anything for that matter single-handedly brought families together before my eyes and caused us all to pause from our busy, routine lives and remember what's truly important: the LORD, family and love. Zach did more than some of the finest counselors I have ever seen; and he did it without a single word. He was the youngest missionary ever."

His final summary...

"Being here has caused me to reprioritize my life. That I must build my treasure in Heaven and not here on Earth. For we will all come to the grave and leave this world and it's possessions behind."

I'd have to agree with this writer on all points. When I go and "visit" Zachary, I witness a lot of people visiting their loved ones and can't help but wonder about their stories...Who are they visiting? Is this new grief?

I'm much more aware now of the temporary trappings of this life. There are people "out there" dealing with real stuff...real loss, real hopelessness...and when you've been filled and re-filled over and over again with the Hope that Jesus offers like I have been, you want to share it with those people. This life is short. Death is a certainty for all of us. And unfortunately, for some it comes too soon according to our standards. But the most important thing is that you have the promise of Heaven...eternal life, forgiveness of sins, the redemption of His blood that He shed for YOU and for ME!!!!!

My son has made a bigger impact in his short 18 days than I ever have!! He STILL remains to make an impact on not only my life but many others!!

What kind of impact am I making while I still have life to do it? I want to be more like Zachary! Little, humble...even incapable at times...BUT do BIG things for God!!

p.s...He got an A!

add these to the list

I'm thinking it may be a little early to add this to the list of my favorite things, but I'm pretty much loving it!! What is it you ask? Sewing!!! I had my first lesson today. Who knew I would enjoy it so much?!?! I started a straight skirt and finished half of it thanks to the help of my wonderful sewing mentor!! It should be completed next weekend! Maybe I will move on to a dress...I found about 7 beautiful patterns for dresses on voguepatterns.com....pretty excited about this!

I also took up guitar lessons...I've only had two but I'm liking it! Can't wait til I can REALLY play it!!

So, adding these things makes me feel like I'm reinventing myself a little...I love learning new things...especially creative things!! Somehow, it makes me feel alive!

marching for my baby

I'm totally LOVING all things March of Dimes right now! It feels so good to do this in memory of Zachary! So far, I've personally raised $585 for our team!! Our team T-shirts were designed and ordered this week...I can't wait to see them!! Props to my brother who patiently listens to my computer illiterate rantings...it pays to have a graphic designer for a brother :) I will be posting pictures of the walkathon so you will be able to see them...they even feature the footprints of the one and only Zachary Kyle Wasson!! Those little feet were perfect!

I'm overwhelmed with the response of my friends! I think there are currently 31 members of team "No Life Too Small"; and our team fundraising total equals $1,015 so far! I'm proud of our team!

I also finished up a little flyer about the walk and attached it to a "short" version of our story...maybe I will share it next week as the march approaches.

I urge you to get involved in the March of Dimes whether by donating or finding a local march where you live...it is well worth the effort!

healing.

What exactly is healing anyways? Is it moving on with my life? Is it forgetting the past? Is it when it doesn't hurt anymore?

I think I found a lot of healing within the last year or so. Based on the fact that I've accepted God's plan for my life...found peace through His Word and prayer...sought counsel from wise people...and have stopped asking "why?" and started asking "what does God want to use it for?"

I don't think that healing is any of those things presented in the questions above.

I could move on with my life...have another baby...never speak of what happened, but that doesn't mean I found healing. It doesn't mean that some days it won't hurt like crazy...or that I won't feel empty without him. It doesn't mean that I smile all day every day and never shed a tear for the little boy I will never know as a toddler, teen or young man.

When a wound heals, does it not leave scar?

good grief (?)

I've been using the saying "good grief!" on and off lately; and since I've had my fair share of grief, I'm starting to wonder if there is any such thing as "good" grief...I don't know...what do you think?

It's amazing to me when I reflect back on the last year and a half...It has been a roller coaster ride with lots of twists and turns with no prediction of how the ride was gonna end...all I know is that on that ride, I've had tears of excitement, tears of anger and grief, the sick knot in my stomach when going up and the weightless feel going down...basically, every "out of control" feeling there is...

I know that lots of positive things can come out of grief...For example, I have a passionate desire to reach out to other people that have been in similar situations as me...believe me, that NICU is full of families that don't know HOPE outside of the hope that the medical field offers....All medicine aside, there is a HOPE that NEVER FAILS...and I want to share that with them...I can't imagine going through this stage without the benefits of knowing Jesus personally...

However, even with the understanding that God is on my side...and the knowledge that He is in control of all things and has a plan for everything...it is still really difficult day to day. Most days are getting quite "easy", but then other days you are broadsided with unpredictable emotions that are usually initiated by a pregnancy announcement from a friend, group discussions about motherhood, or just the awkwardness of wondering if people can see right through me. I forget that people don't see Zachary the way that I do...and when I show people videos or pictures that it can be unsettling or disturbing to see a little 1 pound 12 ounce baby surrounded by life support...I should keep those moments to myself...

Bottom line is...I had an "experience" (even that is kinda an understatement) that I love to share with people...God worked a lot of things out in our lives and gave me a new direction because of Zachary! I have a totally new perspective on who God is...BUT it is an awkward realization when I'm done telling my story and remember that I don't have a baby to hold.

I'm starting to realize that going to the cemetary and talking to a patch of grass just isn't enough anymore...that use to bring comfort, now it just kinda makes me feel empty-handed.

Even as I write this, I wonder what you, my readers, are thinking....Was this too personal to share?