life and laughter

today...is...crazy.....

i hardly slept at all last night cuz i kept having bad dreams that i would be late to the courthouse...a lot of different scenarios plagued my dreams last night...i had to wake up at 6:15 in order to be there at 8am sharp...i left a half hour to make time for getting lost (i always schedule time for that since it happens so ridiculously often)

i was on my way and felt pretty good about the direction i was heading...everything seemed familiar UNTIL i went too far...then i started hitting a whole bunch of one way streets and i got nervous...so i called nate and he was no help...told me to call my mom....she told me that i abruptly woke her up and now i'm stressing her out...not to mention, my dad in the back ground...

anyways, i was so stressed! now. where to park? aha! an empty parking lot! i'll park here.

i go inside and stand in line to talk to the clerk...long line...she then tells me to sit in the court room

so there i was...mixed in with hardened criminals...some having spent time at the ACI....one that got arrested several times for firearms and disorderly conduct...one that had over 60 arrests since 1968...oh, the streets of providence!

then, there's me...a white girl with a GAP collared shirt and loafers....there to debate a $100 parking ticket i received by innocently parking too close to the sidewalk at work (i was in the parking lot, but just was pushed over too far onto the sidewalk.....i never even knew that was the sidewalk!)

i felt $100 was a really big punishment for something i did out of mere ignorance...not like i have a criminal mind...so, pleaded not-guilty with an explanation...

they called my name and took off my cuffs...(haha...did i catch you? no, of course i didn't have cuffs on, but some did) and here's how it went:

Judge: Nathaniel Wasson?

Me: Good Morning, Your Honor! My name is Jaclyn. I'm his wife, the one who actually got the ticket.

Judge: You pleaded not-guilty in a timely fashion...what is your explanation?

Me: WELL....I actually DID park on the sidewalk, but my explanation is that I didn't know that was even a sidewalk until after i got the ticket! I think $100 is a lot for something i didn't intentionally do.

Judge: $20

Me: Thank you, Your Honor

something to that effect....

i was elated to only have to pay $20!! i mean, of course it would have been better if it was completely dismissed, but i was already planning on spending around $25 for court fees...now i only have to pay $20!

YEEHAW! IT'S MY LUCKY DAY!!

i was walking back to my car in a pretty happy mood....everyone at the courthouse was pretty friendly and actually enjoyed my experience watching other people's victories...the defeats were also pretty funny!

i now refer to the parking lot where i parked my vehicle as "the scene of the crime".....MY CAR WAS MISSING!! i stood there....dumbfounded. seriously, did my car just get stolen? is this the right parking lot? and then, my answer...clear as stinkin' day!!! glancing over at the chainlink fence i saw what i should have seen earlier that morning...i would have seen it if i wasn't so flustered about running slightly late...a warning "Do Not Park. All Unauthorized Vehicles Will Be Towed At Owner's Expense"...there may have been 10 signs just like this one bordering the entire parking lot...makes me wonder how i could be so blind.

so there i was....white girl with a GAP collared shirt and loafers abandoned in what isn't really the safest city in the world...

i had to ruin my mom's day a little further by notifying her of my (eh, hem) predicament...and that she had to pick me up and bring me to the tow lot in south providence...

luckily, while waiting, i was able to laugh it off with the police officer posted for security....he helped me with getting in touch with the tow company etc...i was pacing outside and he told me i was making him nervous so i should come inside and sit down at the tables and relax. i said, "actually, i was just thinking that i'll probably get a ticket for loiterring so...yeah, i'll come in"

the tow lot was nothing but intimidatingly filthy...seriously, felt like i could have been in danger if my mom wasn't present...luckily, we made it out...alive...and i don't think we got infected with any strange disease or anything.

i can't help but wonder...why didn't i just pay the ticket?

this is one of those days that people would say, "someday you will look back at today and think it was funny"...truth is, i'm already laughing...this isn't the worst day i've ever had...and i will have many more "bad" days....take it in stride...and laugh along the way!

p.s. thanks, mom, for my rescue!

it's a good thing

I felt kinda awkward after my last post....that was really all personal stuff that I don't really like anyone to know...but at the same time, I think it is important that people understand that Zachary is still very much a part of my life! Brokenness and vulnerability are a good thing sometimes!

Sheila Walsh (Woman of Faith) has said "Brokenness is a far greater bridge to people than a pretend wholeness ever is". Hopefully, that's what I did with my last post. Maybe my honesty became a bridge to you...and maybe you can relate to much of what I wrote...

My life experience have not made me bitter or question God's providence...If anything, they have made me rely more and more on my Provider on a daily basis than ever before. I wait for Him.

brutal, but honest

If you've noticed, I go through patterns of posting...I will post a lot; and then, I will hardly post at all for weeks...I try really, really hard to only post positive things...A lot of times, what I "feel" is ugly...I know it's ugly because it "feels" ugly...and well, I don't want to wear it ugly on the outside...maybe that makes sense. During the times that I don't post, it's usually because I'm waiting for the victory. Sometimes, I feel though that I don't really give an honest picture of what it's like to go through something like losing your child...and sometimes I feel like I need to be vulnerable and honest...and maybe that's what you need to read...so here it goes...it's gonna be brutal...probably more brutal for me to "publicly" express these emotions than for you to read it...

Please know this....I NEVER look for sympathy...I don't want it...actually, that is the worst thing when people feel bad for you. I tell you this because I really feel pressed to...and maybe you could pray for me :)

Ok, honesty...here it goes....

I would have to be honest and say that I'm jealous.
I'm jealous of mom's that get to stay home and take care of their babies.
I'm jealous of play dates.

I would have to be honest and say that I'm angry....sometimes.
I'm angry that I lost innocence that I never expected to lose....bad things really do happen...
I'm angry that I can't walk through the baby clothes section for a reason.
I'm angry that I will never have a "normal" pregnancy without the constant fear of losing my child.
I'm angry that I resent my job because my only job was suppose to be taking care of my son...and then, I would be arranging play dates...

I would have to be honest and say that I'm still grieving...Maybe I always will be...Seriously though, it makes me sad when people are new to this thing called grief and they feel stuck there...I was stuck there once too...It does get easier to bare; but sometimes, it's still pretty intense. It's not only grieving the loss of my son, it's also grieving the loss of the life I knew for myself and the life I expected for our family.

I would have to be honest and say that it's frustrating to try for baby number two and for it to be so unsuccessful...it's getting to the point that I can't even imagine our family.

I would have to be honest and say that sometimes I feel really guilty....Guilty that I didn't make it to the Dr's earlier because I didn't want to leave work....Zach might still be here if I left.

I would have to be honest and say that sometimes I feel really sad....Sometimes, it's hard to not cry at my desk while I'm working...so I go through the day with a sore throat instead of just letting it loose. I'm sad that I relate too well to songs about loss and healing...but it's those songs that actually get me through those days.
I'm sad that my memory box is full of miniature blood pressure cuffs and preemie diapers, and not pictures of his first Red Sox game or mementos from his first road trip. I'm sad that my memories are more of the events surrounding his birth and death instead of memories of my time spent with him...

I would have to be honest and say that there is regret...I wish I had skin-to-skin time with him at least once...even if it was when we were saying "goodbye".

I would have to be honest and say that sometimes I get offended about the stupidest things...like, if someone announces they are pregnant (which happens practically every Sunday in our Sunday School Class) that someone would say "It must be in the water"....not like that person could ever know that I'm having a hard time making Baby #2 a reality...I wish it WAS in the water!!

I would have to be honest and say that sometimes I wonder if the delay of baby #2 is because God knows that I'm not able to handle what's coming next...

I would have to be honest and say that I fight the urge every day to cross my arms, scrunch up my face, stomp my feet and protest "It's not fair" like a spoiled two year old that didn't get what she wanted.

I would have to be honest and say that I cringe every time I hear someone say that they wish their pregnancy was over way too early....or when they jokingly say that they will give me their kids like they are all done with them....Seriously, this makes it seem like they are saying "I'm better off" and I'm not...
I also cringe(and I feel bad admitting this because these people really mean to be an encouragement) when people say "It won't happen again", or "You KNOW you will have more children"...I wonder what their knowledge is based on...What they think is fair? Because last time I checked, neither of us were in control and it's up to God to figure out His perfect will...I've learned there's no limit to what God will or will not do...and if He sees fit to take away all my children...or my ability to even have children...then that's what He's gonna do! Seriously, I know that God could make me She-Job of the Present Day (shout out to Tara!!) and take away EVERYTHING...that's what is scary...no guarantees on the road God will bring you to find His blessings...

I would have to be honest and say that I wish more people understood the depths of my feelings...Like, how when I find out month after month that I'm not pregnant again that it feels like I've lost Zachary over and over again....

So, that' about all I can spill out right now...in an attempt to keep things light and fluffy I want to also share a few more things....TRUTHS that get me through the day.

One verse I really like is, "All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be" Psalm 139:16 NIV...I use this verse a lot when I miss the days that I didn't get to spend with Zachary...There's no reason for me to feel guilt...God ORDAINED Zachary's days...and If He is the Author of Zach's days than I have to also admit that He is the Author of mine as well.

I've never really felt like "Why Me?"....I don't really know what I'm deserving of...it's not for me to decide...but if I start acting like a victim, the only Person I can hold responsible is God Himself...because I know that He is in control of ALL things...If I make myself a victim, then I also make Him the culprit....He is only guilty of loving me to the point of death on the cross and making my life so much better than I ever deserve because of that.

One thing I try to remember is that you cannot deny these things on your own....things like jealousy, guilt, anger....don't tire yourself out fighting against these things...don't accept them either...even when grieving, there is a desirable standard that God wants us to keep....Offer these things to God to be refurbished into something not so ugly....and when you put these things off, make sure you put something beautiful back on like contentment, love, peace...

Sometimes, it feels easier to be negative....but it's so much more rewarding to be positive.