senses

taste. feel. touch. sound. sight.

it's amazing how God designed us with senses that help us take advantage of His creation...we can witness a flock of birds bursting out of a tree, aligning themselves into the perfect "v" formation....we can be brought to another country by tasting the palette of flavors in any cuisine...we can be reminded of our childhood teddy bear by brushing our skin up against a familiar texture...

i love that the smell of my lipgloss brings me back to the nicu...i obsessively applied my lipgloss while in the nicu and the smell of it now reminds me of the days that zachary was still here with us...i refuse to switch flavors and i don't know what i'll do when Bath & Body no longer makes it...

i hate the smell of purell...it reminds me of how much i had to un-contaminate myself before even seeing him...it just reminds me that i didn't get to hold him...BUT, it also reminds me of how excited i use to feel knowing that washing our hands in the scrub down room meant we were going to see him.

i love that there's a small part on nate's forehead that feels just like zachary's....it's the part right before the hair line that has that baby hair feel...

i love that i have pictures to help remind me of those days....

but i hate that staring at them can never bring him back. i can stare at the only picture i have of me kissing zachary on the forehead, but nothing can bring me back to that kind of physical closeness with him (while i'm still here on earth, of course...)

today kinda stinks. i miss my little man...

i'm thankful for my senses that bring me back to him.

pending

Growing Our Family: pending

Class Certification: pending

Hospital Claims: pending

Home Improvements: pending

Loss of Sanity: pending

What do you do when everything in your life seems to be in pending status?

Watch this video as a reminder of the best thing to do...NOTHING...just BE STILL and KNOW that HE is GOD!!!

updates, let downs, pick me ups...and all the other directions

So...I figure now is as good a time as any to update BlogWorld on all my "plans" etc...

Some of you already know, but I've been working on a kinda non-profit idea for a while called "No Life Too Small"...see the blog here... you can get the main idea from the NLTS blog, but let me add a little more personal sidenote: I can't wait for this thing to take off and get officially started! I know that it will be such a blessing to me and I can only hope that it will be a blessing to those who are recipients of our efforts! So, I have a TON of flannel fabric in my house...like, bolts and bolts of flannel fabric!! It needs to be cut, washed and sewn into blankets that measure 18"x18" (a little big for a premie, but just the right size for premie OR full size baby :) Planning a sewing party soon so if you want to get involved and you can sew (only basic skills are necessary) let me know!! We need to make a lot of these little blankets in time to celebrate Zachary's birthday on October 26th....I can't believe it's already almost been two years! Did I mention that inside each blanket is a little handwritten prayer for the baby that receives the blanket?? That's my favorite part of it all!!!! So, check out the blog and email me if you want to help us sew!

Also, I've been looking for some "direction" in my life as far as careers blah, blah, blah.... Looked into going back to school and found out I was still a freshman (which was pretty sad if you ask me)... After some deliberation, I made the decision to pursue Wedding & Event Planning!! I'm pretty excited about it...although, also a little scared considering there was a financial investment to take the certification course, but mostly excited!! Can't wait to be self-employed, creative, organized and a snazzy dresser.... Do I have a dream in my head of being like Jennifer Lopez in The Wedding Planner movie? Of course! I mean, she gets huge accounts, wears a fanny pack full of all the necessary equipment to make an event run seamlessly...and let's not forget the super awesome walkie talkie!!! My study books should be mailed out today and now it's an 8-10 business day wait....

Speaking of waiting...I'm getting awful good at it! We are still waiting for the news of Baby #2. Urgh! My dr in her medical wisdom thought it would be best to refer me to a specialist in the field so I'm currently in the overwhelming, anxiety inducing procedure of setting up additional tests and appointments. Have I ever mentioned that I hate doctors...and tests...and more importantly, examinations?!?! Not happy about not being able to see my dr and having to meet an entirely new person (why did I use the word "entirely" there? like I could meet a half of a person??...not changing it now) So, bottom line: I'm not excited at all about the extra "work" that is necessary, but will do anything to make it happen! Well, almost anything! Not looking for sextuplets....just one...or two....ok, and maybe three, but we'll see how it goes!

I keep trying to find lessons in my life and sometimes I feel like there is a TON, but really I come back to the same one and all the others are like mini-variations of the main lesson....GOD HAS A PLAN FOR ME! So, if the lessons of my life are set up in outline form, it would look like this :)

I. God Has A Plan For Me
A. Trust His Plan
B. Do Not Force My Plan
C. My Plans Are Tentative
D. Do Not Rush His Perfect Timing
E. His Plan and His Timing are Perfect


Get it? There's no Roman numeral II...it's just more and more of Roman numeral I.

I might not be super excited about this plan that He's concocted for me at this point, but I know that His plan is PERFECT and I need to rejoice in the fact that He's in control of my future...because of this, I have a HOPE that is unwavering...even when I feel sick to my stomach and can't breathe :)

it's a good thing

I felt kinda awkward after my last post....that was really all personal stuff that I don't really like anyone to know...but at the same time, I think it is important that people understand that Zachary is still very much a part of my life! Brokenness and vulnerability are a good thing sometimes!

Sheila Walsh (Woman of Faith) has said "Brokenness is a far greater bridge to people than a pretend wholeness ever is". Hopefully, that's what I did with my last post. Maybe my honesty became a bridge to you...and maybe you can relate to much of what I wrote...

My life experience have not made me bitter or question God's providence...If anything, they have made me rely more and more on my Provider on a daily basis than ever before. I wait for Him.

brutal, but honest

If you've noticed, I go through patterns of posting...I will post a lot; and then, I will hardly post at all for weeks...I try really, really hard to only post positive things...A lot of times, what I "feel" is ugly...I know it's ugly because it "feels" ugly...and well, I don't want to wear it ugly on the outside...maybe that makes sense. During the times that I don't post, it's usually because I'm waiting for the victory. Sometimes, I feel though that I don't really give an honest picture of what it's like to go through something like losing your child...and sometimes I feel like I need to be vulnerable and honest...and maybe that's what you need to read...so here it goes...it's gonna be brutal...probably more brutal for me to "publicly" express these emotions than for you to read it...

Please know this....I NEVER look for sympathy...I don't want it...actually, that is the worst thing when people feel bad for you. I tell you this because I really feel pressed to...and maybe you could pray for me :)

Ok, honesty...here it goes....

I would have to be honest and say that I'm jealous.
I'm jealous of mom's that get to stay home and take care of their babies.
I'm jealous of play dates.

I would have to be honest and say that I'm angry....sometimes.
I'm angry that I lost innocence that I never expected to lose....bad things really do happen...
I'm angry that I can't walk through the baby clothes section for a reason.
I'm angry that I will never have a "normal" pregnancy without the constant fear of losing my child.
I'm angry that I resent my job because my only job was suppose to be taking care of my son...and then, I would be arranging play dates...

I would have to be honest and say that I'm still grieving...Maybe I always will be...Seriously though, it makes me sad when people are new to this thing called grief and they feel stuck there...I was stuck there once too...It does get easier to bare; but sometimes, it's still pretty intense. It's not only grieving the loss of my son, it's also grieving the loss of the life I knew for myself and the life I expected for our family.

I would have to be honest and say that it's frustrating to try for baby number two and for it to be so unsuccessful...it's getting to the point that I can't even imagine our family.

I would have to be honest and say that sometimes I feel really guilty....Guilty that I didn't make it to the Dr's earlier because I didn't want to leave work....Zach might still be here if I left.

I would have to be honest and say that sometimes I feel really sad....Sometimes, it's hard to not cry at my desk while I'm working...so I go through the day with a sore throat instead of just letting it loose. I'm sad that I relate too well to songs about loss and healing...but it's those songs that actually get me through those days.
I'm sad that my memory box is full of miniature blood pressure cuffs and preemie diapers, and not pictures of his first Red Sox game or mementos from his first road trip. I'm sad that my memories are more of the events surrounding his birth and death instead of memories of my time spent with him...

I would have to be honest and say that there is regret...I wish I had skin-to-skin time with him at least once...even if it was when we were saying "goodbye".

I would have to be honest and say that sometimes I get offended about the stupidest things...like, if someone announces they are pregnant (which happens practically every Sunday in our Sunday School Class) that someone would say "It must be in the water"....not like that person could ever know that I'm having a hard time making Baby #2 a reality...I wish it WAS in the water!!

I would have to be honest and say that sometimes I wonder if the delay of baby #2 is because God knows that I'm not able to handle what's coming next...

I would have to be honest and say that I fight the urge every day to cross my arms, scrunch up my face, stomp my feet and protest "It's not fair" like a spoiled two year old that didn't get what she wanted.

I would have to be honest and say that I cringe every time I hear someone say that they wish their pregnancy was over way too early....or when they jokingly say that they will give me their kids like they are all done with them....Seriously, this makes it seem like they are saying "I'm better off" and I'm not...
I also cringe(and I feel bad admitting this because these people really mean to be an encouragement) when people say "It won't happen again", or "You KNOW you will have more children"...I wonder what their knowledge is based on...What they think is fair? Because last time I checked, neither of us were in control and it's up to God to figure out His perfect will...I've learned there's no limit to what God will or will not do...and if He sees fit to take away all my children...or my ability to even have children...then that's what He's gonna do! Seriously, I know that God could make me She-Job of the Present Day (shout out to Tara!!) and take away EVERYTHING...that's what is scary...no guarantees on the road God will bring you to find His blessings...

I would have to be honest and say that I wish more people understood the depths of my feelings...Like, how when I find out month after month that I'm not pregnant again that it feels like I've lost Zachary over and over again....

So, that' about all I can spill out right now...in an attempt to keep things light and fluffy I want to also share a few more things....TRUTHS that get me through the day.

One verse I really like is, "All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be" Psalm 139:16 NIV...I use this verse a lot when I miss the days that I didn't get to spend with Zachary...There's no reason for me to feel guilt...God ORDAINED Zachary's days...and If He is the Author of Zach's days than I have to also admit that He is the Author of mine as well.

I've never really felt like "Why Me?"....I don't really know what I'm deserving of...it's not for me to decide...but if I start acting like a victim, the only Person I can hold responsible is God Himself...because I know that He is in control of ALL things...If I make myself a victim, then I also make Him the culprit....He is only guilty of loving me to the point of death on the cross and making my life so much better than I ever deserve because of that.

One thing I try to remember is that you cannot deny these things on your own....things like jealousy, guilt, anger....don't tire yourself out fighting against these things...don't accept them either...even when grieving, there is a desirable standard that God wants us to keep....Offer these things to God to be refurbished into something not so ugly....and when you put these things off, make sure you put something beautiful back on like contentment, love, peace...

Sometimes, it feels easier to be negative....but it's so much more rewarding to be positive.

after the wound heals...

So, a reply to this post led to this post; and a reply to that post has led to this post...Following me? My MIL gave me permission to share part of an email that she wrote to me...you may want to read the previous blog posts first...

"A comment about healing wounds leaving a scar. When I was 12, I was burned very badly on my lower arms. They were a mess. And well, mother didn't take me to the doctor and they became much worse. To go on, my Grannie Fran came out from California to visit with us. She lovingly and with much patience cleaned my burns and "doctored" them every day for over six weeks. The wounds began to heal and at the time, there were awful scars. A firey red in color and then over the months, as she continued have me apply a cream, the scars were better. Not so ugly and they didn't hurt as much. Now, a life time later, there are still a few scars. But you know, when I notice them, I don't so much remember the pain I was in but the love that I received from my grandmother. So the scars are a reminder of that. Her love. And well, I'm glad I have the reminder."

What a beautiful picture and reminder of the loving care that Our Father offers to us when we feel wounded through life's trials!

Losing Zachary will always hurt to a degree...and yes, it's painful...but the wounds have healed...they have been cared for by the One who knows the pain too well. He has given the soul healing and restoration.

And now, when I see the scars, they are a reminder of that. His love. And well, I'm glad I have that reminder.

thoughts and thank you's

The night before the march, I started thinking about our team t-shirts which feature Zachary's feet as our logo. I started wondering what people would think of his feet. Like, would they feel sad that his feet are so small? Or sad that those feet belong to one of the ones that didn't survive? I actually started to even feel a little sad about those feet...sad that I would never get to see them again before Heaven...sad that they will never get to wear shoes...or play in sand.....or play sports....or be tickled....

But then I realized something that continually brings comfort....Those little feet are scampering around the golden streets of Heaven....and he's even more perfect now than he was when he was with me.....and I will see him again...I wonder what Heaven is like for my little boy....is there a playground? He probably doesn't even have to wear shoes......and he definitely doesn't miss sand or playing sports because his "time" is filled with the most rewarding activities there could possibly be!! Also, imagine my little boy who was limited to a small incubator while alive now occupying his very own MANSION! I wonder what it looks like....My thoughts of him are happy...I'm proud of the life he had and absolutely positive that he got an upgrade on life.

I had so much fun at the March for Babies, and I'm accumulating mental notes for next year...

First off, thanks to so many of my sponsors!!!! I raised $1300!! When I turned in my sponsor form, I got a special little lanyard that said "Top Walker" on it because I raised over a $1,000...honestly, as excited as I was about my lanyard (yes, I actually was REALLY excited about it even though I tried to act cool), I didn't do anything besides letting all of you know about the need and then you filled it!! You guys are awesome and I'm so thankful for you and your support.

To my fellow team members: I hope you had as much fun as I did and that you all got some FREE pulled pork sandwiches from Texas Roadhouse. Tara and I went to every tent and tried to pick up as much free stuff as possible :) I'm also jealous to hear that Nuno took them up on the offer for the free massage. Ah, I pretty much love free stuff even if it's junk...it still made it's way in my bag :) Anyways, throughout the day, I felt very appreciative of you. You will probably not even understand how much it meant to me that you were all there. I know many of you were walking in support of us and in memory of Zachary. It was a true honor to have you all there.

That's it for now....I'm gonna get back to daydreaming about chillin' in my son's mansion someday!!

Thanks again for everything!!

the reason i'm marching

I was 24 weeks pregnant to the day when I went to the doctor for nothing more than an "instinctual feeling" that something was wrong and light spotting. Once being examined, my doctor told me that I was going to be transported to the hospital by ambulance immediately. I was already 6cm dilated...apparently having contractions back to back...the doctor told me I should be hemorrhaging! I was rushed to the hospital where I was met with my husband. When I saw him come through the doors, I seriously think I may have heard a superhero theme song! I was so relieved to see him. Immediately upon arriving at Women and Infants hospital, I was connected with my triage nurse, and also a pediatrician who explained the risks associated with a baby born prematurely including the statistics of survival...etc. I was also treated with my first steroid shot which was given to help develop the lungs faster and a medication to slow down or stop my contractions. I was transported to the Labor Delivery floor where I received only the highest quality care from my nurses. I loved my nurses!! At such an uncomfortable time, they did everything they could to keep me as comfortable as possible. From the moment I was at the hospital, my bed was tilted so my head was lower than my feet in order to take pressure off the uterus. I couldn't imagine being in that position for 10 weeks but they encouraged me that I could do it and I felt hopeful! Being on the Labor Delivery floor, I can clearly remember the sounds of other babies entering the world. It was amazing to hear the rush of nurses, the holding breath, the cry of life, and the welcoming cheers. I could only pray that my son's entry would be as perfect! I spent only a few days in Labor Delivery and then they transferred me to floor 5, High Risk Pregnancy. I spent only a few hours on that floor. That night I tried to sleep but I was so cold with uncontrollable shaking. We called the nurse and she came and took my temperature and it was still normal so she gave me heated blankets to try to help me warm up. After a half hour or so I was still shaking and my temperature spiked during that short time...this unfortunately signified that there may be infection. The doctor came in and did an ultrasound checking the position of my baby and decided the best option would be an emergency c-section delivery. What happened next was a whirlwind of mixed emotion- fear, anticipation, hope, wonder, faith. It is hard to explain the heart of a mother during a time such as this. When Zachary came out all I remember is his little cry...it was quiet, but it was there and surged my heart with hope. My husband was so excited! He went over and watched the doctors working on Zachary with such speed and precision. We felt like our son was in the best hands medically possible. I didn't get to meet Zachary for the first time until several hours later. When I finally saw him, I was utterly amazed! By all standards, my son was a beautiful miracle of God!! I couldn't believe that all of this had happened and could not possibly explain why it happened; but we trusted in God's all-knowing control over our lives and truly believed that His plans were bigger than the plans we could ever prepare for ourselves. Zach had several nurses who became his friends...it felt so much better leaving your child with people who you trust! Zachary started out with the most unbelievable head start! We had no doubt that our son was a fighter...a champion even! Every day was a roller coaster ride of medical diagnosis and emotional upheaval. It is so difficult to watch your child whom you've dreamed so many dreams for and hoped so many things locked up in his "womb with a view" with no access to hugs or kisses...the feeling is so helpless for a parent. Zachary lived a life full of love and victory for 18 short days and then he truly was in the best hands possible. He now lives with his Maker in Heaven and rests in our Savior's loving arms while waiting for our reunion. Life isn't an easy thing to understand. Everyone at one point unwillingly surrenders themselves to a plan outside of their own control. Death is an even more difficult thing to understand, especially the death of a child. With all the mystery of life and death, there is always one thing that is certain: God knows the plan for our lives. He loves us and is in control of that plan. We unashamedly admit that our relationship with our Heavenly Father is the only thing that brings us peace at this time in our lives. We still wonder what is in store for our lives without Zachary, but continue to trust in His perfect will. We will always love Zachary...he remains forever in our hearts and in our thoughts daily. He will always be our first child; and we will always look forward to Heaven!

Among the extensive medical team that worked closest with Zachary- his favorite nurses, his Doctor and many other wonderful people at Woman and Infants- We are also thankful for the March of Dimes support team present at the hospital and for the work they are diving into to find the reasons for prematurity and the cure for it. The money donated to their cause is money that I believe is well-spent. Besides the research, they provide very practical things such as tiny clothing and hats, blankets, books to read to our babies during the countless hours of being beside an incubator, and tremendous emotional and educational support….I remember that when Zachary was ready to go to Heaven, the hospital provided a room for my entire family to spend time with him away from the medical alarms, and during that time the March of Dimes support team provided a beautiful buffet to make sure that we took care of ourselves by remembering to eat. That meant a lot to us.

Donating to this cause may not guarantee that your children or your grandchildren won’t end up in the Neonatal Intensive Care Unit….BUT; it does guarantee one step closer to the day when all babies will be born healthy.

“For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother's womb. I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made.” Psalm 139:13

impact

I got this from a friend of our's this weekend. He is taking an English Composition class and had to observe a setting and then write about it...He chose Highland Memorial Park...where Zach is! (Well, Zach is in Heaven, but you know what I mean)...The first part was written about the setting of the park (it was really eloquently written with really good metaphors), but the last paragraph was written about my little man!!! I'm gonna share just the last part with you! Here it goes:

"Finally, I arrive. It's Zach's grave. Oh boy, I remember one of the most emotional times of my life when two very special friends of mine had a premature baby that lived for eighteen days then went home to be with the LORD. Correction: It WAS the most emotional time of my life. But why eighteen days? Why even live at all? Quickly, I remember why. Eighteen days was the exact amount of time that it took for him to leave deep footprints in my heart! That little boy who couldn't speak, reason or do anything for that matter single-handedly brought families together before my eyes and caused us all to pause from our busy, routine lives and remember what's truly important: the LORD, family and love. Zach did more than some of the finest counselors I have ever seen; and he did it without a single word. He was the youngest missionary ever."

His final summary...

"Being here has caused me to reprioritize my life. That I must build my treasure in Heaven and not here on Earth. For we will all come to the grave and leave this world and it's possessions behind."

I'd have to agree with this writer on all points. When I go and "visit" Zachary, I witness a lot of people visiting their loved ones and can't help but wonder about their stories...Who are they visiting? Is this new grief?

I'm much more aware now of the temporary trappings of this life. There are people "out there" dealing with real stuff...real loss, real hopelessness...and when you've been filled and re-filled over and over again with the Hope that Jesus offers like I have been, you want to share it with those people. This life is short. Death is a certainty for all of us. And unfortunately, for some it comes too soon according to our standards. But the most important thing is that you have the promise of Heaven...eternal life, forgiveness of sins, the redemption of His blood that He shed for YOU and for ME!!!!!

My son has made a bigger impact in his short 18 days than I ever have!! He STILL remains to make an impact on not only my life but many others!!

What kind of impact am I making while I still have life to do it? I want to be more like Zachary! Little, humble...even incapable at times...BUT do BIG things for God!!

p.s...He got an A!

marching for my baby

I'm totally LOVING all things March of Dimes right now! It feels so good to do this in memory of Zachary! So far, I've personally raised $585 for our team!! Our team T-shirts were designed and ordered this week...I can't wait to see them!! Props to my brother who patiently listens to my computer illiterate rantings...it pays to have a graphic designer for a brother :) I will be posting pictures of the walkathon so you will be able to see them...they even feature the footprints of the one and only Zachary Kyle Wasson!! Those little feet were perfect!

I'm overwhelmed with the response of my friends! I think there are currently 31 members of team "No Life Too Small"; and our team fundraising total equals $1,015 so far! I'm proud of our team!

I also finished up a little flyer about the walk and attached it to a "short" version of our story...maybe I will share it next week as the march approaches.

I urge you to get involved in the March of Dimes whether by donating or finding a local march where you live...it is well worth the effort!

healing.

What exactly is healing anyways? Is it moving on with my life? Is it forgetting the past? Is it when it doesn't hurt anymore?

I think I found a lot of healing within the last year or so. Based on the fact that I've accepted God's plan for my life...found peace through His Word and prayer...sought counsel from wise people...and have stopped asking "why?" and started asking "what does God want to use it for?"

I don't think that healing is any of those things presented in the questions above.

I could move on with my life...have another baby...never speak of what happened, but that doesn't mean I found healing. It doesn't mean that some days it won't hurt like crazy...or that I won't feel empty without him. It doesn't mean that I smile all day every day and never shed a tear for the little boy I will never know as a toddler, teen or young man.

When a wound heals, does it not leave scar?

good grief (?)

I've been using the saying "good grief!" on and off lately; and since I've had my fair share of grief, I'm starting to wonder if there is any such thing as "good" grief...I don't know...what do you think?

It's amazing to me when I reflect back on the last year and a half...It has been a roller coaster ride with lots of twists and turns with no prediction of how the ride was gonna end...all I know is that on that ride, I've had tears of excitement, tears of anger and grief, the sick knot in my stomach when going up and the weightless feel going down...basically, every "out of control" feeling there is...

I know that lots of positive things can come out of grief...For example, I have a passionate desire to reach out to other people that have been in similar situations as me...believe me, that NICU is full of families that don't know HOPE outside of the hope that the medical field offers....All medicine aside, there is a HOPE that NEVER FAILS...and I want to share that with them...I can't imagine going through this stage without the benefits of knowing Jesus personally...

However, even with the understanding that God is on my side...and the knowledge that He is in control of all things and has a plan for everything...it is still really difficult day to day. Most days are getting quite "easy", but then other days you are broadsided with unpredictable emotions that are usually initiated by a pregnancy announcement from a friend, group discussions about motherhood, or just the awkwardness of wondering if people can see right through me. I forget that people don't see Zachary the way that I do...and when I show people videos or pictures that it can be unsettling or disturbing to see a little 1 pound 12 ounce baby surrounded by life support...I should keep those moments to myself...

Bottom line is...I had an "experience" (even that is kinda an understatement) that I love to share with people...God worked a lot of things out in our lives and gave me a new direction because of Zachary! I have a totally new perspective on who God is...BUT it is an awkward realization when I'm done telling my story and remember that I don't have a baby to hold.

I'm starting to realize that going to the cemetary and talking to a patch of grass just isn't enough anymore...that use to bring comfort, now it just kinda makes me feel empty-handed.

Even as I write this, I wonder what you, my readers, are thinking....Was this too personal to share?

Powerful

Love This...

I can't help but think of Aaron and Zachary when I hear this song...

Tear Jerker

I forget where I got this from, but I love it! Grab some tissue...

For our little man, Zachary Kyle...

Precious, tiny, little one
You'll always be to me
So perfect, pure and innocent-
Part of Heaven's family

We dreamed of you and your life
And all that it would be
We waited and longed for you to come
And join our family

We never had the chance to play,
to laugh, to rock, to wiggle
We long to hold you, touch you now
And listen to you giggle

I'll always be your Mother,
He'll always be your Dad
You will always be our child,
The child that we had

But now you're gone...but yet you're here
We sense you everywhere
You are our sorrow and our joy
There's love in every tear

Just know our love goes deep and strong
We'll forget you NEVER-
The child we had but never had,
And yet will have Forever!