rising or setting

this weekend we went to PA and saw the Liberty Bell and Independence Hall....my favorite was Independence Hall and seeing the old architecture...we also saw George Washington's original chair that he sat in as he led meetings to declare Independence!

if you notice in the top, it has a sun etched in it....James Madison reported Ben Franklin to say, "I have often looked at that behind the president without being able to tell whether it was rising or setting. But now I....know that it is a rising..sun"

i couldn't help but relate to that....there are times in life when you just aren't sure if you are making right decisions...whether what you're going through is going to destroy you...

keep hoping.....it's a rising sun...not a setting.

desert vs dessert

when i was a kid, i learned a lot of fun ways to remember how to spell things...for instance, NECESSARY is Norman Eats Candy, Eggs, Sardine Sandwiches and Raw Yolks (gross)....SEPARATE- you always want to be sepArate from A RAT (get it?)....

a lot of spelling i learned from cheerleading too...i will never forget how to spell PSYCHED, AGGRESSIVE, or SUCCESS...ever!

the way i remember the difference between desert and dessert is the secret found in the s's...

the one with two s's is the one you usually want MORE of....DESSERT...yummy, chocolate, delicious.....frosting....mmMMMmmm....(ok, fatty, get back to your post...)

anyways, i thought today about how that's how we are in life....we are always looking more for DeSSert...the good and usually temporary things in life....not realizing that sometimes the dry, DeSert parts of our life are equally, if not MORE, important because they produce things that are lasting!!

if you are going through a deSert time, remember... "tested faith produces endurance, maturity and God's rich reward". (also, check out this song)

.....and God's RICH reward will be better than chocolate!

hope unbroken...

"Jesus Christ is the same...

Yesterday,

Today,

and Forever."

thoughts re: warts

I wait so long to blog that i never really get to do a "fun" post...I'm always doing a boring "update"...err...if only my life was more interesting :)

so, lately, I've been busy, busy...good things...

busy with dr appts (see previous posts because I'm not going "there" today)

busy with church projects (so happy that I can be used in any capacity that encourages others)

busy with event planning course (still on unit c, but I'm loving it)

busy with event planning business ideas (more on this in the future)

sometimes being busy is good...in fact, I LOVE being busy! but often times, when you are busy, it involves lots of decision making...some very serious, life-changing even...some not-so-serious. regardless of the severity of the decision, I feel like for me it's easy to become quite anxious.


I REALLY liked this video from Andy Stanley!



wow, right? good points to consider and to practice. i'm definitely a "worry wart" (ewww...gross...who thought of that saying?!?!)

here's another great quote i found on my friend's facebook status :)

"In this crazy world, there's an enormous distinction between good times and bad, between sorrow and joy. But in the eyes of God, they're never separated. Where there is pain, there is healing. Where there is mourning, there is dancing. Where there is poverty, there is the Kingdom." - Henri Nouwen

I feel like this quote goes along perfectly with the A.Stanley video...our society worries a lot about H1N1 (i'm among them, for sure...being a germaphobe doesn't help), war, the economy, being laid off, financial security, homeland security..... the possiblity of becoming a wart is pretty high!

I think it's easy to sit back and say, "What is God thinking?"...especially, knowing that He has full power to change it all. How amazing to know that He knows our secret (and even not-so secret) fears and doubts!

Now, maybe you're wondering what "good" it does for God to know our fears and doubts if you don't see Him doing anything "good" with them...hmmm...

I don't have any pat answers for any of this...I only know what the Bible says and what I feel I know is true in my heart. I've had many reasons to ask God such things. I know that what is seen is temporary and what is unseen is eternally lasting...maybe, there are more things happening that are "unseen" than we could possibly know. I know that God allows things to happen for our good, our benefit, our growth and our character. I know that God loves me...and he loves you too! I know that God's word is MORE than enough...and I know that God's word tells us that God doesn't want us to live in fear, worry or doubt. I know that God made us in His image...and from even from the scientific point of view, our human bodies are amazing and full of wonder!

How can we wonder why God allows bad things to happen, but we never question where the good comes from? Or how can we give God credit for the good, but then wonder what's He thinking or discredit His power when it comes to the "bad"?

I think if we realize that "every good and perfect thing comes from above", we could be grateful to the God that gives us the good AND the bad. If we could acknowledge that God works mysteriously even using methods that seem unfair, we could be grateful...yup, even for the "bad"...because we would know that somehow, in ways I don't always understand...it's really for our good. I think if we realized that God was already in control of everything and we REALLY understood His sovereignty, we would feel ridiculous worrying about things....even things as serious as our health, our children and war. I think that when we say "God is in control", we think we are giving Him control...not true, He IS...ALWAYS has been...ALWAYS will be...in control...We have to admit that otherwise we could mislead ourselves into thinking that we have some power...and as long as we feel we can control things, i don't think we could stop worrying...we would have no peace. Even if we refuse to acknowledge that He is in control, doesn't change the fact that He is, in fact, still completely in control.....even over people that do not believe in Him.

so, this is my random chatter for the day...sorry if my thought are out of order...i'm at work! :)

it's a good thing

I felt kinda awkward after my last post....that was really all personal stuff that I don't really like anyone to know...but at the same time, I think it is important that people understand that Zachary is still very much a part of my life! Brokenness and vulnerability are a good thing sometimes!

Sheila Walsh (Woman of Faith) has said "Brokenness is a far greater bridge to people than a pretend wholeness ever is". Hopefully, that's what I did with my last post. Maybe my honesty became a bridge to you...and maybe you can relate to much of what I wrote...

My life experience have not made me bitter or question God's providence...If anything, they have made me rely more and more on my Provider on a daily basis than ever before. I wait for Him.

brutal, but honest

If you've noticed, I go through patterns of posting...I will post a lot; and then, I will hardly post at all for weeks...I try really, really hard to only post positive things...A lot of times, what I "feel" is ugly...I know it's ugly because it "feels" ugly...and well, I don't want to wear it ugly on the outside...maybe that makes sense. During the times that I don't post, it's usually because I'm waiting for the victory. Sometimes, I feel though that I don't really give an honest picture of what it's like to go through something like losing your child...and sometimes I feel like I need to be vulnerable and honest...and maybe that's what you need to read...so here it goes...it's gonna be brutal...probably more brutal for me to "publicly" express these emotions than for you to read it...

Please know this....I NEVER look for sympathy...I don't want it...actually, that is the worst thing when people feel bad for you. I tell you this because I really feel pressed to...and maybe you could pray for me :)

Ok, honesty...here it goes....

I would have to be honest and say that I'm jealous.
I'm jealous of mom's that get to stay home and take care of their babies.
I'm jealous of play dates.

I would have to be honest and say that I'm angry....sometimes.
I'm angry that I lost innocence that I never expected to lose....bad things really do happen...
I'm angry that I can't walk through the baby clothes section for a reason.
I'm angry that I will never have a "normal" pregnancy without the constant fear of losing my child.
I'm angry that I resent my job because my only job was suppose to be taking care of my son...and then, I would be arranging play dates...

I would have to be honest and say that I'm still grieving...Maybe I always will be...Seriously though, it makes me sad when people are new to this thing called grief and they feel stuck there...I was stuck there once too...It does get easier to bare; but sometimes, it's still pretty intense. It's not only grieving the loss of my son, it's also grieving the loss of the life I knew for myself and the life I expected for our family.

I would have to be honest and say that it's frustrating to try for baby number two and for it to be so unsuccessful...it's getting to the point that I can't even imagine our family.

I would have to be honest and say that sometimes I feel really guilty....Guilty that I didn't make it to the Dr's earlier because I didn't want to leave work....Zach might still be here if I left.

I would have to be honest and say that sometimes I feel really sad....Sometimes, it's hard to not cry at my desk while I'm working...so I go through the day with a sore throat instead of just letting it loose. I'm sad that I relate too well to songs about loss and healing...but it's those songs that actually get me through those days.
I'm sad that my memory box is full of miniature blood pressure cuffs and preemie diapers, and not pictures of his first Red Sox game or mementos from his first road trip. I'm sad that my memories are more of the events surrounding his birth and death instead of memories of my time spent with him...

I would have to be honest and say that there is regret...I wish I had skin-to-skin time with him at least once...even if it was when we were saying "goodbye".

I would have to be honest and say that sometimes I get offended about the stupidest things...like, if someone announces they are pregnant (which happens practically every Sunday in our Sunday School Class) that someone would say "It must be in the water"....not like that person could ever know that I'm having a hard time making Baby #2 a reality...I wish it WAS in the water!!

I would have to be honest and say that sometimes I wonder if the delay of baby #2 is because God knows that I'm not able to handle what's coming next...

I would have to be honest and say that I fight the urge every day to cross my arms, scrunch up my face, stomp my feet and protest "It's not fair" like a spoiled two year old that didn't get what she wanted.

I would have to be honest and say that I cringe every time I hear someone say that they wish their pregnancy was over way too early....or when they jokingly say that they will give me their kids like they are all done with them....Seriously, this makes it seem like they are saying "I'm better off" and I'm not...
I also cringe(and I feel bad admitting this because these people really mean to be an encouragement) when people say "It won't happen again", or "You KNOW you will have more children"...I wonder what their knowledge is based on...What they think is fair? Because last time I checked, neither of us were in control and it's up to God to figure out His perfect will...I've learned there's no limit to what God will or will not do...and if He sees fit to take away all my children...or my ability to even have children...then that's what He's gonna do! Seriously, I know that God could make me She-Job of the Present Day (shout out to Tara!!) and take away EVERYTHING...that's what is scary...no guarantees on the road God will bring you to find His blessings...

I would have to be honest and say that I wish more people understood the depths of my feelings...Like, how when I find out month after month that I'm not pregnant again that it feels like I've lost Zachary over and over again....

So, that' about all I can spill out right now...in an attempt to keep things light and fluffy I want to also share a few more things....TRUTHS that get me through the day.

One verse I really like is, "All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be" Psalm 139:16 NIV...I use this verse a lot when I miss the days that I didn't get to spend with Zachary...There's no reason for me to feel guilt...God ORDAINED Zachary's days...and If He is the Author of Zach's days than I have to also admit that He is the Author of mine as well.

I've never really felt like "Why Me?"....I don't really know what I'm deserving of...it's not for me to decide...but if I start acting like a victim, the only Person I can hold responsible is God Himself...because I know that He is in control of ALL things...If I make myself a victim, then I also make Him the culprit....He is only guilty of loving me to the point of death on the cross and making my life so much better than I ever deserve because of that.

One thing I try to remember is that you cannot deny these things on your own....things like jealousy, guilt, anger....don't tire yourself out fighting against these things...don't accept them either...even when grieving, there is a desirable standard that God wants us to keep....Offer these things to God to be refurbished into something not so ugly....and when you put these things off, make sure you put something beautiful back on like contentment, love, peace...

Sometimes, it feels easier to be negative....but it's so much more rewarding to be positive.

after the wound heals...

So, a reply to this post led to this post; and a reply to that post has led to this post...Following me? My MIL gave me permission to share part of an email that she wrote to me...you may want to read the previous blog posts first...

"A comment about healing wounds leaving a scar. When I was 12, I was burned very badly on my lower arms. They were a mess. And well, mother didn't take me to the doctor and they became much worse. To go on, my Grannie Fran came out from California to visit with us. She lovingly and with much patience cleaned my burns and "doctored" them every day for over six weeks. The wounds began to heal and at the time, there were awful scars. A firey red in color and then over the months, as she continued have me apply a cream, the scars were better. Not so ugly and they didn't hurt as much. Now, a life time later, there are still a few scars. But you know, when I notice them, I don't so much remember the pain I was in but the love that I received from my grandmother. So the scars are a reminder of that. Her love. And well, I'm glad I have the reminder."

What a beautiful picture and reminder of the loving care that Our Father offers to us when we feel wounded through life's trials!

Losing Zachary will always hurt to a degree...and yes, it's painful...but the wounds have healed...they have been cared for by the One who knows the pain too well. He has given the soul healing and restoration.

And now, when I see the scars, they are a reminder of that. His love. And well, I'm glad I have that reminder.

delight

I've been thinking today about the verse in the bible that says, "Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart".....What do you think this verse means?

Right now, I'm waiting on God for a couple of BIG things that I don't really want to get into right now on the internet. I feel like I "delight in the Lord" and He knows the "desires of my heart" so what's the hold up? I can't help but wonder, "Why am I still waiting?"

It's times like this that I have to remember that God's perfect timing is far greater than mine...I actually prefer His timing above my own....But does God refrain from giving you what you want in order to "teach" you or "mold" you? I think so....

Also, I was talking to a friend about this....I was only slightly frustrated at the time and I asked "How much more does He want me to learn?!! I feel like I already learned a lot!"....Her reply was simple but struck a chord in me...."Maybe He's teaching someone else through you". I'm gonna have to be ok with that...once you surrender yourself to what God wants to use you for, you become His instrument to be used how He wants to, when He wants to...

So, while I'm waiting...what is God doing? I don't think He is up there twiddling His thumbs or sitting on His hands.....and I don't think He's holding out on me....I think He's preparing something great!! And I think when it is revealed, all of us will step back and say, "Wow, look at how AWESOME God is!"

So, while I'm waiting....What will I be doing? the song tells it all....