What exactly is healing anyways? Is it moving on with my life? Is it forgetting the past? Is it when it doesn't hurt anymore?
I think I found a lot of healing within the last year or so. Based on the fact that I've accepted God's plan for my life...found peace through His Word and prayer...sought counsel from wise people...and have stopped asking "why?" and started asking "what does God want to use it for?"
I don't think that healing is any of those things presented in the questions above.
I could move on with my life...have another baby...never speak of what happened, but that doesn't mean I found healing. It doesn't mean that some days it won't hurt like crazy...or that I won't feel empty without him. It doesn't mean that I smile all day every day and never shed a tear for the little boy I will never know as a toddler, teen or young man.
When a wound heals, does it not leave scar?
Saturday, April 11, 2009
Sunday, April 5, 2009
good grief (?)
I've been using the saying "good grief!" on and off lately; and since I've had my fair share of grief, I'm starting to wonder if there is any such thing as "good" grief...I don't know...what do you think?
It's amazing to me when I reflect back on the last year and a half...It has been a roller coaster ride with lots of twists and turns with no prediction of how the ride was gonna end...all I know is that on that ride, I've had tears of excitement, tears of anger and grief, the sick knot in my stomach when going up and the weightless feel going down...basically, every "out of control" feeling there is...
I know that lots of positive things can come out of grief...For example, I have a passionate desire to reach out to other people that have been in similar situations as me...believe me, that NICU is full of families that don't know HOPE outside of the hope that the medical field offers....All medicine aside, there is a HOPE that NEVER FAILS...and I want to share that with them...I can't imagine going through this stage without the benefits of knowing Jesus personally...
However, even with the understanding that God is on my side...and the knowledge that He is in control of all things and has a plan for everything...it is still really difficult day to day. Most days are getting quite "easy", but then other days you are broadsided with unpredictable emotions that are usually initiated by a pregnancy announcement from a friend, group discussions about motherhood, or just the awkwardness of wondering if people can see right through me. I forget that people don't see Zachary the way that I do...and when I show people videos or pictures that it can be unsettling or disturbing to see a little 1 pound 12 ounce baby surrounded by life support...I should keep those moments to myself...
Bottom line is...I had an "experience" (even that is kinda an understatement) that I love to share with people...God worked a lot of things out in our lives and gave me a new direction because of Zachary! I have a totally new perspective on who God is...BUT it is an awkward realization when I'm done telling my story and remember that I don't have a baby to hold.
I'm starting to realize that going to the cemetary and talking to a patch of grass just isn't enough anymore...that use to bring comfort, now it just kinda makes me feel empty-handed.
Even as I write this, I wonder what you, my readers, are thinking....Was this too personal to share?
It's amazing to me when I reflect back on the last year and a half...It has been a roller coaster ride with lots of twists and turns with no prediction of how the ride was gonna end...all I know is that on that ride, I've had tears of excitement, tears of anger and grief, the sick knot in my stomach when going up and the weightless feel going down...basically, every "out of control" feeling there is...
I know that lots of positive things can come out of grief...For example, I have a passionate desire to reach out to other people that have been in similar situations as me...believe me, that NICU is full of families that don't know HOPE outside of the hope that the medical field offers....All medicine aside, there is a HOPE that NEVER FAILS...and I want to share that with them...I can't imagine going through this stage without the benefits of knowing Jesus personally...
However, even with the understanding that God is on my side...and the knowledge that He is in control of all things and has a plan for everything...it is still really difficult day to day. Most days are getting quite "easy", but then other days you are broadsided with unpredictable emotions that are usually initiated by a pregnancy announcement from a friend, group discussions about motherhood, or just the awkwardness of wondering if people can see right through me. I forget that people don't see Zachary the way that I do...and when I show people videos or pictures that it can be unsettling or disturbing to see a little 1 pound 12 ounce baby surrounded by life support...I should keep those moments to myself...
Bottom line is...I had an "experience" (even that is kinda an understatement) that I love to share with people...God worked a lot of things out in our lives and gave me a new direction because of Zachary! I have a totally new perspective on who God is...BUT it is an awkward realization when I'm done telling my story and remember that I don't have a baby to hold.
I'm starting to realize that going to the cemetary and talking to a patch of grass just isn't enough anymore...that use to bring comfort, now it just kinda makes me feel empty-handed.
Even as I write this, I wonder what you, my readers, are thinking....Was this too personal to share?
Tuesday, March 3, 2009
take a chance on this one
So, in my family, we have to be extremely careful discussing movies that we've seen..."one" (eh hem...no names...eh hem...DAD) usually goes too far and gives the twists and turns...I am usually careful to recommend movies to people outside of family, but take a chance on this one...it's really good. well, I think so anyways.
Taking Chance is an HBO movie that is currently onDemand...I watched it because it was recommended to me and I found it to be very touching. I will give nothing away that isn't shown already in the previews.
Basically, this movie is about a high rank officer that volunteers to escort the body of a 19 year old local boy back home. Along the way, many people are touched by this boy's sacrifice and show such deserving respect and honor. This movie was patriotic not in the way that it was pro-America, but in the way that it was pro-appreciation. Whether you agree with the war or not we cannot deny that many have sacrificed their lives for it...for us! I'm thankful for those that serve our great country!
So, the thing that amazed me the most was the degree that people were touched by a boy they never knew. He made a difference in their lives.
Taking Chance is an HBO movie that is currently onDemand...I watched it because it was recommended to me and I found it to be very touching. I will give nothing away that isn't shown already in the previews.
Basically, this movie is about a high rank officer that volunteers to escort the body of a 19 year old local boy back home. Along the way, many people are touched by this boy's sacrifice and show such deserving respect and honor. This movie was patriotic not in the way that it was pro-America, but in the way that it was pro-appreciation. Whether you agree with the war or not we cannot deny that many have sacrificed their lives for it...for us! I'm thankful for those that serve our great country!
So, the thing that amazed me the most was the degree that people were touched by a boy they never knew. He made a difference in their lives.
Saturday, January 31, 2009
what freeedom looks like
Watch this video....it is about ten minutes long, but the last minute or so will make you want to watch it all over again!
Monday, January 19, 2009
Saturday, January 17, 2009
Spreading the Word
So, here is the link to one of the most fabulous blogs ever! I love this blog and read it daily...I find it inspiring in every creative way and am always impressed with Keri's crafty genius. Today is Keri's blogiversary and, in honor of this special occasion, she is hosting a special giveaway of one of her masterpieces. Go to her blog and check out all of her wonderful ideas and enter her giveaway!! Enjoy!
Friday, January 9, 2009
HaHa
Where is this guy's top lip? This has been bugging me all day on Yahoo's Homepage....hahahahaha
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