affirmation.

Sometimes, M will be doing something...

coloring crazy

running in circles

putting her shoes on

and she'll look at my husband just to see if he's watching.

When she confirms that he is,

she quickly goes back to what she was doing with a little smirk on her face.

I love that she looks for affirmation from him...

..."hey, daddy! look what I'm doing!!!"...

Even more, I love that he's already looking at her when she seeks it.

acceptance

acknowledgement

security

Mykenzie always gives me sweet reminders of what my relationship with God is like...

Yes, sometimes, I just need to be noticed...don't you?

washing dishes

doing laundry

looking for her "dinty" again

Go ahead. Seek His affirmation. 

He's already watching you. 

I just smirked. Did you?

a note for M

Dear M,

There was a time I would daydream about owning a business. 

I'd come up with multiple ideas to market, advertise and package my product.

I hoped to one day plan extravagant parties where there was color and laughter and confetti.

I planned to write my stories down and share them with the world.

I attempted creativity in almost every form.

I can't say I was successful at any of these things.

Perhaps my motivation was to "make a name for myself",

or to be known,

or to be recognized,

or to leave an imprint when my life is over.

I realize now that if no one hears my stories but you, 

I'd be sharing them with my whole world.

If the most creative thing I do today is make play-doh into a strawberry, 

then I opened your mind to a new way of seeing things.

If I plan parties, 

let them be to celebrate you.

I'm feeling sentimental while I'm realizing that you recognized me the moment you heard my voice,

smelled my scent,

were held in my arms.

Perhaps...

YOU're my imprint on this world, sweet girl,

and that all my chasing is just that....chasing...

 I've already made a name for myself...

the best one I can think of...

and I'm reminded of that each time I hear you say "Mommy".

If being your mommy is the one thing I'm successful at...

well, I'm truly satisfied.

There was a time I daydreamed about having it all,

...and now I realize...

I do.

just a thought.

i had this thought yesterday....

 

the only scars that will be in Heaven will be worn by Jesus.

 

we go through temporary pain...resulting in scars, both physical and emotional...

but in Heaven, they'll be erased.

 

Jesus' scars are perfectly eternal.

the miracle of His resurrection is eternal.

we'll never forget what He did for us.

 

i just pictured all the perfection that is in Heaven...

the gold streets...

the singing...

the worship...

the angels...

the trumpets....

and then, Jesus' scars?

 

perfectly redeeming scars.

 

perfectly healing scarred hands.

 

perfectly all-powerful wounded hands.

 

they definitely belong there.

order of events.

1. momma got a new flash!! yay!

...but she doesn't know how to use it!! boo!

2. try to get away! fast!

3. lose my mind.

4. get mocked.

things i've learned {second installment}

I've learned that...

16. you should do everything you can while in the bathroom with the door shut, because once you open it, you're immediately back on duty.

17. other people's comments about how their kids are the best or the cutest can cause an internal rage inside of you that can only be compared to the Hulk as you fight every childish inclination to argue that YOUR baby is, in fact, the cutest and the best.

18. a clean diaper means a poop is imminent.

19. squealing and yelling really are acceptable forms of communication...unfortunately, that's just not true for adults.

20. what i know is a difficult poop session, my husband will think is a seizure.

21. food makes a great distraction.

22. cartoons are really meant for adults.

23. hearing your husband talking to her in the other room about how her little, white denim shorts are "almost as cute as she is" will make you melt.

24. Baby Einstein can cause the same internal rage (see number 17) if watched consecutively. not recommended.

25. getting out of the house on time should be an Olympic sport (with or without baby).

26. crumbs, paper, paper towel, toilet paper, string or anything of swallowable size can become a meal.

27. dressed in a completely pink outfit, with ears pierced and a bow on her head....and i'll still be asked how old HE is!

28. remote controls work best as toys without batteries.

29. she'll find options on my iPhone that i didn't even know existed.

30. she will wave at her shadow, her reflection, the food she dropped on the floor, the light fixtures, but NOT the cute, old lady in line behind me in Whole Foods.

see the first installment of "things i've learned" here

not home.

people usually question the negative circumstances in their lives...

why did i lose my job?

why did he die?

why is my marriage so hard?

why am i having so many financial problems?

i often wonder why zachary was taken away from us...and i don't know why i wonder...because i know it was for Heaven's gain! i think God knew i would need a purpose for living...even though when zachary left us, i didn't want to live anymore...honestly, i didn't want to take my life, but i really didn't want to live either. zachary's short life was and is a reminder to me that this world is not our home...thank God! our circumstances, no matter what they are, are temporary...and that was something i needed to learn in order to continue to live with HOPE!

hope:noun

4. a person or thing in which expectations are centered

verb (used with object)

6. to look forward to with desire and reasonable confidence.

7. to believe, desire, or trust

my hope is found in nothing less than Jesus' blood and righteousness. this is the Person and thing in which my expectations are centered. because of this, i look forward to heaven and have confidence in His faithfulness. i believe...i trust in His ways, His plan, His direction and His will for me.

so don't get caught up in your negative circumstances...there's usually something invisible happening. what is your hope? hold on to it...and remember, if you know Jesus, this world is not your home.

Feeling like a refugee
Like it don't belong to me
The colors flash across the sky

This air feels strange to me
Feeling like a tragedy
Take a deep breath and close my eyes
One last time

Storms on the wasteland
Dark clouds on the plains again
We were born into the fight

But I'm not sentimental
This skin and bones is a rental

And no one makes it out alive

Until I die I'll sing these songs
On the shores of Babylon
Still looking for a home
In a world where I belong

Where the weak are finally strong
Where the righteous right the wrongs
Still looking for a home
In a world where I belong

Feels like we're just waiting, waiting
While our hearts are just breaking, breaking
Feels like we're fighting against the tide

I wanna see the earth shaking
I wanna see a generation
Finally waking up inside

Until I die I'll sing these songs
On the shores of Babylon
Still looking for a home
In a world where I belong

Where the weak are finally strong
Where the righteous right the wrongs
Still looking for a home
In a world where I belong

In a world where I belong

This body's not my own
This world is not my own
But I can still hear the sound
Of my heart beating out
So let's go boys, play it loud

On the final day I die
I want to hold my head up high
I want to tell you that I tried
To live it like a song

And when I reach the other side
I want to look you in the eye
And know that I've arrived
In a world where I belong
Where I belong

I still believe we can live forever
You and I we begin forever now
Forever now
Forever
I still believe in us together
You and I we're here together now
Together now
Together now
Forever now
Forever now

 

things i've learned {first installment}

i've learned that...

1. her definition of "the end of the world" is not the same as mine.

2. a low grade fever can cause hours and hours of research on the internet...coupled with a rash, it could cause a near mental breakdown.

3. sending text messages about poop is acceptable...picture texts are borderline.

4. empty paper towel rolls, tags, my pocketbook and the package of wipes are the best toys.

5. doctors don't know everything.

6. her laugh changes everything.

7. mandarin oranges, blueberries, green beans and peas are all weird when seen post-digestion (see number 3)

8. i can sleep through a blaring alarm clock; but if her breathing changes slightly, i'm wide awake.

9. people who think dogs are the same as kids are delusional.

10. ironing clothes is overrated because we're just going to be wrinkled again in .25 seconds.

11. being with her all day is physically exhausting...but getting the chance to be out alone is almost just as exhausting emotionally.

12. teething bites (pun intended).

13. she thinks i'm the worst mom in the world because i force her to wear her seatbelt in her car seat, i wash her hands and face, and i change her clothes... worst. mom. in the world.

14. she's pretty resilient with a 5 second rebound.

15. taking care of my cranky baby in the middle of the night makes me feel like the most important person in the world.